


Sunshowers

by littlecakes



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Attempted Sexual Assault, Depression, Developed backstory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Marijuana, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, i don't want to put too many tags on here for spoiler prevention, so much handholding it's sickening
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-04-23 21:50:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 71,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14341620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlecakes/pseuds/littlecakes
Summary: Two best friends accidentally discover each other while travelling their own roads of self-discovery.





	1. Chapter 1

“Sebastian.” 

“Mm.” 

“Sebastian.” 

“Mmm.” 

“I hate to do this to you dude, I really do,” Sam said as he flipped the lightswitch in Sebastian’s room. 

“Fuck you.” Sebastian growled, pulling his dark comforter over his head before the dingy light hanging on a chain from the ceiling could sear his retinas any further. 

“I know you wanna lay in bed all day, but it’s one o’clock in the afternoon and we have Prep-ocalypse before Jonathan and Abigail’s New Year’s party later.” Sam said, dropping himself onto the loveseat next to the stairs. “If you sleep any longer, we’re gonna have to do it tomorrow and that’s gonna suck with a hangover.” 

Sebastian grumbled before sitting up. Sam was right. As much as he wanted to sleep this day away- as much as he wanted to sleep this whole upcoming year away- there were still other people that were happy to be living in this abhorrently tiny town, and his best friend was one of them. 

“What did you just say?” 

“I said I know you wanna lay in bed all day, but it’s one o’clock in the afternoon and we have Prepocalypse-” 

“What the hell is that?” 

“We have to get our new characters ready for our year-long campaign which we are starting TOMORROW, Seb!” 

“You would name it that.” Seb grumbled as he stood up. He and Sam had agreed that this would be the year that they finally finished an entire campaign of Solarion Chronicles. They had spent most of the winter season designing new scenarios and refreshing old ones. Sebastian had been excited about it. It was the only new-ish thing happening this year. 

_Another year_ , he thought, _Doing the same old shit._

“Alright man, let’s get you some coffee and a cig, and then we can get started!!” Sam cheered, clapping Sebastian on the back as he followed him up the stairs. Sebastian followed the fresh, biting aroma of coffee to the kitchen, where Robin was standing facing the sink. She was elbows deep in the breakfast dishes. Robin was only slightly shorter than Sebastian, who was already on the short side, especially compared to Sam, who stood almost a head taller than he did. Robin’s yellow shirt only enhanced the redness of her hair, which was stacked haphazardly on the top of her head in a ponytail. 

“Hi, Robin!” Sam said, patting Robin’s shoulder. 

“Oh! Sam! Hey, handsome!” Robin said, giving him a tight squeeze. “Are you excited for the party tonight? Abigail just called, asking me to bring firewood for a bonfire. Sounds like a good time!” 

“I’m really excited, yeah, it’s gonna be so awesome!” Sam replied enthusiastically. 

The two continued chatting away while Sebastian shuffled over to the coffeemaker. Thankfully, Demetrius and Maru hadn’t drank it all. Robin had trained them over the years to leave Sebastian at least a cup sitting in the coffeemaker. He smiled groggily to himself as he poured a cup of the dark brown liquid. It was almost as if a cartoon aroma snuck out of the cup and caressed his nose. It smelled fantastic. 

“Good morning, Sebby,” Robin said, kissing his cheek. 

“Hey. I’ll be right back,” he mumbled, scuffling out of the kitchen. He could hear Sam and Robin chatting away in the kitchen as he slipped on his sneakers, crushing the heels under his feet as he couldn’t be trouble to tie them this early in the day. Sebastian slipped out the front door and fished his pack of cigarettes out of his hoodie pocket. Sebastian sighed happily as he walked to the edge of the lake. This was a cherished daily ritual, the first cigarette. He wasn’t going to have a cigarette that day that tasted better than that first one. It was almost sad, he thought. Almost sad until that tobacco hit his lips and that silky smoke snaked its way into his lungs. A little shiver travelled down his spine as he exhaled. The nicotine flooded his brain and make the hair on his arms prickle. 

The snowy banks of the lake sent dazzling splinters of light across the surface of the lake. It was an unusually sunny day for the winter season. Sebastian watched the gentle, sparkling waves ebb and flow from the shore as he took a long drag from his cigarette. He quickly realised that this would indeed be the best cigarette he was going to have that day. Just him, a steaming hot cup of coffee, and the lake. 

Of course, moments are moments for a reason. Just as quickly as he’d lit it, the cigarette was already gone. Sebastian strongly debated lighting another one before he heard footsteps crunching in the snow behind him. They were heavy, with long pauses in between. Someone tall, Sebastian thought. 

Sam stepped quietly onto the snowy sand beside his best friend. His hands were buried deep in the pockets of his denim jacket and the tip of his pale nose was growing pink. Sam stood close enough to Sebastian to brush arms, if only to absorb some of the warmth the sunlight was radiating into Sebastian’s worn, black hoodie. 

Sebastian simply nodded to Sam as he stuck his cigarette butt in a soda can that he liked to hide half-buried in the roots of an old tree. He wasn’t in the mood for talking. Lucky for him, Sam knew him better than anyone else. Sebastian didn’t have to explain himself to Sam, for which he was always grateful. He held out his cup of steaming hot coffee to the blonde, who took it and slurped greedily from it. 

A heavy, happy sigh escaped Sam’s lips as he handed the mug back to Sebastian. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

“Welcome,” Sebastian replied as he finished the last, bitter dregs of the coffee. The young men stood at the shore and watched the water for a brief moment before Sebastian chose to break the silence. “I can’t believe another year’s gone.” 

“I know. It felt like Jonathan just moved here yesterday and the community center was still haunted.” Sam said with a chuckle. 

“The community center was never haunted,” Sebastian snorted. 

“You didn’t see them! These little ghosts that would run away and disappear…” 

“Dude, we’ve gone over this.” 

“Whatever, I saw what I saw.”  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  


“Do you have my calculator?” Sam, said, rifling through his backpack. 

“Huh?” 

“Dude, keep it together,” Sam laughed as Sebastian took a long drag from his bong. The low coffee table in Sebastian’s bedroom was covered in a swarth of papers, books, and hand-drawn maps. They’d spent the better part of the afternoon planning for their campaign and now it was finally finished. Sam was relieved to be done, and anxiously anticipating their first game. He knew it was gonna be a good one. 

“Pass me that,” Sam said as he held out his hands. Sebastian thrust the bong into his hands along with an old, greasy lighter. It had an S carved into it, one that looked like the silly edgy cartoon S’s he and Sebastian would draw all over their belongings in middle school. It was a mystery as to who the lighter originally belonged to. It had been passed between the two of them for years. 

Sam took a long drag, filling the bong with smoke before pulling the bowl. The smoke was quickly whisked up the shaft of the bong and into his mouth. It was harsh, heavy, and ashy, like every last hit in the bong was. Sam always hated taking the last hit. He coughed and sputtered before reaching for his water bottle. 

“Oh my god. Fucking dork,” Sebastian laughed as he took the bong out of Sam’s hands. 

“I hate-” Sam coughed, “The last hit!” 

“I know,” Sebastian snickered. 

“Douche,” Sam said with a grin. He could feel the tears streaking down his face as he caught his breath. “Are you ready to go?” 

Sebastian’s eyes rolled into his head as he flopped back into the couch. “We should just stay here. Order a pizza from Gus’s and watch scary movies.” 

“Dude,” Sam groaned. “We promised Abby we would go. She wants us to hang out with Jonathan.” 

“Fucking Abby has to go falling for the town superstar,” Sebastian grumbled. “The whole stupid town’s gonna be there.” 

“And you will survive,” Sam said with a smile. He extended a hand and pulled Sebastian up from the couch and clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s only one night, and you might have fun!” 

Sebastian merely grumbled as they left his house. They took the mountain road behind Robin’s house to the farm. Through the trees, Sam could see the twinkling lights that Jonathan and Abby had strung up all around the house’s wrap around patio. Sam couldn’t really envision Abby settling on a farm, milking cows and harvesting crops, but Jonathan made her happy so he couldn’t complain. It was nice to see one of the trio growing up and branching out. 

The clamor of voices could be heard from the house as Sam and Sebastian approached. It certainly did sound like the entire town was in there. Sebastian was being quiet, even for him. There was this nagging feeling in the back of Sam’s brain that something was bothering him, but before he could ask, the front door of the farmhouse swang right open and Abby burst out. 

“You clowns are late!” She whined. “Everyone’s already here.” 

“Sorry, we had stuff we had to do,” Sam shrugged. 

“I know, I can smell it on you. Oh my god…” Abigail groaned. Sam and Sebastian laughed quietly to themselves. Abigail rolled her eyes. “Whatever, just… come inside. It’s freezing out here.” 

The living room was packed with people, as was the kitchen. Penny and Maru waved to the boys, which Sam returned. He turned to find Sebastian heading to a table covered in booze and quickly followed before returning to the girls with beers in hand. 

“Hi Sam,” Penny said, a pink tinge to her cheeks. “Hi, Sebastian.” 

“Hey Penny,” Sam said, giving her a quick hug. Sebastian gestured to her with his beer before taking a long draught from it. 

“Hi guys. You guys missed the dinner, it was awesome.” Maru said teasingly. 

“That’s okay, we pigged out on snacks at Seb’s. Have they lit the bonfire yet?” 

“Not yet,” Penny said. “Jonathan was waiting for you guys. You should go find him.” 

“Got it,” Sam said. He waved bye to the others before heading to the kitchen, where Jonathan and Abigail were arguing quietly under their breaths. 

“You said you’d be ready by New Year’s,” Jonathan murmured. 

“Yeah, and I might be ready but if you propose to me at this party-” 

“Sam! Hey, man!” Jonathan said loudly, shaking his hand. Abigail crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. 

“Hey dude, sorry we’re late. You should start that bonfire. Good stargazing out tonight.” 

“Good to know,” Jonathan said before leaning over to whisper in Abigail’s ear. Her cheeks reddened before Jonathan walked through the door. 

“Damn dude, he’s got you locked down,” Sam prodded. 

“Shut up,” Abigail jeered, her cheeks still red. 

The crowd slowly filtered outside to gather around the growing fire. The flames reached hungrily up into the air as another huge log was hurled onto the fire. Sam had never seen a fire so big. Standing close to it was like putting his face into an oven. Looking around, Sam could see that most people weren’t standing as close as he was, especially Sebastian, who was still standing on the porch, nursing a beer. 

“What’s with you? You’re usually good at faking being sociable, at least,” Sam said as he approached. Sebastian shrugged. 

“Seriously, dude. You’re like this dark little cloud hiding out over here,” Sam laughed. Sebastian gave him a burning look that was almost as intense as the bonfire before replying. 

“I’m just not in the mood for this,” he muttered. 

Sam sighed as he looked around the porch. Sebastian wasn’t going to cooperate unless Sam could get him out of earshot of the party. There. A ladder was leaning against the side of the farmhouse. Sam grabbed it and leaned it against the roof. 

“Come on,” Sam urged as he climbed up the ladder. Sebastian said nothing, but he could hear him coming up the ladder behind him. Sam walked carefully across the shingles before perching himself right atop the highest ridge on the roof. Sebastian plopped down next to him before pulling his pack of cigarettes out of his pockets. It was a long time before Sebastian said anything. 

“How long have we lived in this town, Sam?” 

“I dunno, I’ve been here since I was born and you’ve been here since I can remember. Why?” 

“Pretty much my whole life I’ve been in this town. I know you said that the town’s changed a lot this year. It has. But I didn’t change at all. Nothing changed for me. I still live in my mom’s fucking basement, for God’s sake, dude.” 

“You pay rent.” 

“ _To live in my mom’s basement_.” 

Sam sighed. 

“I just wish something would change. Maybe something would get better or something.” Seb took a long drag from his cigarette. Sam reached for it, gently taking it out of Sebastian’s hands before taking a drag from it himself. The beeswax chapstick that Sebastian regularly wore tasted minty on the filter. 

“Maybe you should try changing it.” Sam suggested. 

“What can I do?” Sebastian scoffed. 

“I dunno dude, but we’ll figure it out.” 

“I hope so man. I really do.” 

“Don’t worry. You have me, and I’ll help you and cheer you on,” Sam said. “You’ll have a gameplan soon.” 

Sebastian smiled a wistful smile at his friend. “Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it.” 

“No problem, dude,” Sam said, tossing his arm around Sebastian’s shoulder and pulling him into a hug. “What are friends for?”


	2. Chapter 2

Sam almost had a heart attack when he’d awoken to pitch black until he remembered that he’d slept over at Sebastian’s last night. His house was way closer to the farm, which helpful when Sam had had to help a tipsy Sebastian home and into bed last night. A champagne hangover was officially the worst kind of hangover, Sam thought. He closed his eyes tight as he remembered the night before. 

_“Sam. Saaaaaaaam.”_

_“What, Seb.” Sam groaned from the couch. He had almost fallen asleep despite the slight spinning effect that the world seemed to be having when he closed his eyes._

_“I’m so alone, Sam. And I’m a sad person.”_

_“Why are you sad?? Why are you not letting me sleep?” he slurred._

_“No, not sad like I feel sad. Sad, like I AM sad. I never do anything to change my life, I just…. I just fucking complain, dude.”_

_Sam sighed._

_“Come here.” Sebastian said._

_“Nah, couch is fine.”_

_“Please?”_

Sam had eventually caved and awkwardly crawled into bed next to Sebastian, who had muttered a ‘thanks man, you’re the best,’ and passed the fuck out. Sam knew he’d fallen asleep. He’d had to listen to his drunken snoring all night long. 

It hadn’t been the snoring that had kept him up all night. It’d been his heart, which was racing. Sam hadn’t slept in a bed with another person ever, in his life. The fact that it would be Sebastian…. Maybe he was overthinking it. After all, Maru and Abigail always slept in the same bed when Abigail slept over there, too. No big deal. Same thing, right? 

Sam rolled onto his back and sighed. It was the first of the year, officially. His dad’s deployment was ending today. That meant that he’d be home. Jodi and Vincent had been talking about it all Winter, and Sam had feigned an equal level of enthusiasm. Secretly, Sam had been dreading it. 

He quietly slipped out of Sebastian’s bed and flipped on his phone’s flashlight so he could find his shoes. Hopefully it would be late enough that the rest of the Bainard clan would be gone. He wouldn’t have to try to make small talk through this ridiculous hangover. Luckily, Sebastian was still snoring lightly as Sam left his room and creeped out of his house. 

God, the sunlight was blistering. Beautiful and blistering. The day had finally come and there was no escaping it. 

Sam could hear Jodi crashing around in the kitchen when he came through the door. Vincent was sitting on the floor of the living room, playing with his favorite fire truck. He was dressed up in a little red button-down that matched his hair. 

“Sammy! You’re home! Thank God, I need you to come in here.” Jodi called from the kitchen. 

“What’s up mom?” Sam said, casually strolling over to a cabinet and taking out some ibuprofen. He shook three into his hand and gulped them down eagerly with a glass of water as a chaser. 

“I can’t- reach- oh, Sammy. Will you get this stupid cookie jar for me?” Jodi said, pointing at the cookie jar above the cabinet. It was ceramic and had Jodi, Sam, Vincent, and Kent’s faces cast into the sides. Leah had made it for Jodi’s birthday last year. Sam grabbed it effortlessly and set it on the counter in front of her. 

“Oh, thank you, sweetie. Now that your father’s coming home I won’t have to lean on you so much for such silly things.” 

“Ain’t no thing, momma,” Sam said, kissing the top of his mom’s head. 

“Go get changed. We have to be at the bus stop in half an hour!” 

“I can’t just wear this?” Sam said, holding his arms out and puffing up his chest. 

“For one, you smell like… I don’t want to know what that smell is!” Jodi huffed. “Secondly, if your father sees that ‘punk’ jacket again, he’s going to have a fit. Just… go put on something normal, please?” 

Sam grumbled something quietly (‘Indie rock isn’t punk, not like you would know’) and went to his room. He stripped his shirt before digging around in his closet for something more… suitable. Of course, his mom just wanted things to go smoothly since it was his dad’s first day back. No fights about things Sam considered part of his core identity. Things that Kent hated. 

Vincent walked into the room to find Sam staring angrily into his closet. 

“Yeah, Sam, mom made me get dressed up too, I was so mad!” Vincent said, trying to sound grumpy. 

“Dude, you don’t even know.” Sam said with a breathy, half hearted laugh. 

“At least YOU get to pick your shirt. This shirt makes me look like a strawberry.” 

Sam shook his head as he pulled a grey button-up out of the closet and dressed himself. Even though he was considered walking sunshine in Pelican Town, even the sun sometimes hid behind a curtain of grey. 

He was saying hello to his father, but saying goodbye to parts of himself he particularly liked. The hair, for one. It was vain, but Sam loved spiking his hair up in a rebellious way, especially since Jodi wouldn’t let him shave the sides. And the jacket- it was a worn, old denim jacket that Sam had found years ago in Zuzu City and worn every day since. He’d patched the holes with patches from his favorite bands. 

And the music. God, did he love music. He lived it, breathed it, needed it. Sam always played his guitar when he woke up. There were even times late at night when he couldn’t sleep and Sebastian was too busy with work to be bothered, that he would plug his headphones into his amp and play until he fell asleep sitting up against his bed, guitar in hand. 

Kent hated these things and always pushed Sam away from them. Kent was the one who threw the clippers away. Who tore the first hole in the jacket when he tried to pull it off Sam and give it away, claiming ‘he didn’t raise no punk’. Kent was always the one to flip the breaker to Sam’s room some nights, claiming that Sam should be focusing on getting into college and meeting a nice girl. ‘Getting his life together.’ 

Sam swore under his breath as Jodi called his name. Silently, he followed along as Jodi and Vincent walked hand-in-hand to the bus stop. He could just turn around. He could just turn around and walk away and go be himself. But where would he go? He couldn’t hide at Sebastian’s forever… although he was really starting to wish that he could. 

“Kent!” His mom sobbed, taking the tall, quiet man into her arms. He looked so much older. Where his hair was a sandy, blonde color, just like Sam’s, was now gray. His eyes looked sunken and exhausted. Sam wasn’t sure if a year’s worth of sleep would wake up those eyes. And the scars. There were so many new, fresh scars that adorned his father’s face. Sam bit his lip and looked away. It broke his heart, at the very least, to see Kent that way. 

“My boys,” Kent said, stretching out his arms to embrace Vincent, who stuck to his father like velcro. Sam smiled weakly as he embraced his father, who held onto him tightly. He hugged him back with ferocity, and for a moment, he’d forgotten his sense of dread and only thought of how incredible it was to have his father back. 

“Good to see you, dad,” he whispered. 

“Back at you, kid. Hope you’ve been holding down the fort okay,” Kent said gruffly. He set his hand on Sam’s shoulder as he looked into his son’s eyes. Sam wasn’t sure if it was exhaustion. It looked more like pain in his eyes. The way they shined… 

“I’m- I’m good, I’ve been helping mom,” Sam stuttered. 

The family head back to the house, where they enjoyed a late lunch. Jodi had made Kent’s favorite- fiddlehead risotto. Kent said it was the way the fiddleheads crunched that made it his favorite dish. Sam could care less for them, but appreciated his mom’s effort just the same. 

“So what has everyone been up to? I know we all talk on the phone, but…” Kent started. 

“Well, Vinny has been going to school with a girl down the street and Miss Penny. He’s getting good grades! Penny says he’s a very smart boy!” Jodi said happily. 

“I got an A in PE!” Vincent said excitedly. Kent chuckled. 

“And you, Sam?” he asked. 

“Uh, well,” Sam stuttered. “I got a part-time job.” 

“Good, good,” Kent said. “Maybe you’ll be out on your own soon.” 

“Maybe... “ Sam muttered. 

“How’s Penny doing? You guys official yet?” 

“It’s not like that, dad.” Sam groaned. Kent set his fork down on the table loudly. 

“Well, son, you’ve got a valley full of beautiful women and not much competition. I don’t see why you’re not seeing someone. Getting married. Getting a job. Starting your life.” Kent argued. 

“I AM doing stuff dad, I have started my life.” 

“Don’t tell me you’re still making music. That is such bullshit, and you know it.” 

“Boys!” Jodi said, covering her mouth. “Your father just got home, Sam, and you’re starting already?” 

“Me? Start? He’s the one who started this shit! Picking on me for living my life the way I want to!” Sam said. “He hasn’t even been here two hours and he’s already harping on me!” 

“Well after two years being gone, I would expect my 24 year old son to get his shit together! Was two years not enough time, Sammy?” Kent yelled. The way he said Sam’s name made the hair stand on the back of Sam’s neck. He only called him Sammy to belittle him, make him feel small. Sam hated it. Sam stood up from the table and dropped his napkin on his plate. 

“I don’t have to sit here and take this from you, dad.” 

And he was out the door. He pulled out his phone and texted Sebastian. His hands were shaking from the encounter with his father. 

_Saloon?_

_Your dad hasn’t even been here a whole day yet dude, what happened?_

_I’ll tell you there. Too long to text_

_K_

“Hey Sam,” Gus called as Sam walked through the door. “Mondays, eh?” 

“Hey, Gus. Can I get two beers?” 

“Can’t be without your partner in crime, huh?” Gus chuckled. “Sure thing. Em, two beers!” 

“Gotcha, Gus, two beers for Sam,” Emily said with a smile as she poured the beers, foam running amok over the lip of the mug. “I’m surprised you’re not at home, with your dad coming back and all.” 

“Oh, you know, he needed time with mom,” Sam said, feigning a casual tone. “I’m sure she missed him way more than I did.” 

“You’re so sweet, Sam. Here you go,” she said, sliding the beers across the counter. Sam thanked her before taking the beers back to the billiards room. He wanted to grab the cue ball and just throw it. Throw it as hard as he could. Sam took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. 

“Jeez man, you’re wound up.” Sebastian said as he walked around the pool table. He reached around Sam to grab a beer off the table. 

“It’s my dad, dude,” Sam said, exasperated. “He hasn’t even been here a day and he’s already shitting all over me.” 

“Relax, it’s cool, dude,” Sebastian said, grabbing some pool cues. 

“How is this cool? I have to live with this dude. Next thing you know he’s gonna be setting up job interviews, and dates, and I don’t know why this guy can’t let me live my life the way I fucking want to. I just wanna make music and be happy.” 

Seb rested his chin on top of his hands that were perched on his pool cue. He leaned from side to side as he thought. “So do that.” 

“What?” 

“You’re always talking about how bad you wanna make music. You’re a good guitar player, and you can really sing. You should make music.” Sebastian said, shooting the six into a pocket. He looked up from the table at Sam and smiled. “I know I’m not the only one who thinks that. Abigail just told me the other day that she doesn’t know why you make her sing when you’re so much better.” 

Sam smiled a small smile as he watched Sebastian sink nearly every one of his balls on the table. Of course he was beating him. Sebastian was a gifted pool player, but Sam liked to attribute his skills to the fact that Sebastian didn’t like quitting for anything. He was stubborn as hell. Sam thought that maybe he needed to be more like him. 

“Thanks dude. Maybe I will start giving it a real shot.” 

“Fucking finally. By the way, you lost.” 

“I didn’t even get to play!” 

Sebastian shrugged as he re-racked the pool balls. Sebastian didn’t like to hear it, but Sam really was grateful for his friendship. He’d always backed Sam up no matter what. Even when it ended up with black eyes and a broken arm, or Lewis chewing them out, Sebastian was always there for him. 

“I think that we need an instant release, though. Becoming a rockstar takes way too long,” Sebastian said. 

“What are you thinking?” Sam asked inquisitively. 

“I’m thinking we need to get back at him,” Sebastian said. “A little prank never hurt.” 

Sam nodded eagerly.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun had set deep below the treeline when Sebastian and Sam set out for his house. Sam’s family always went for evening walks- this would prove useful, Sebastian thought. It would give them just enough time to pull off the prank. It was just a little one- just irritating enough to annoy Kent, without tipping him off that his own son was deliberately sabotaging him. 

Fucking deserves it, Sebastian thought. Kent had been torturing Sam for years, by Sebastian’s opinion, and deserved far more than what was coming to him. Sam was the best person Sebastian knew. He wouldn’t hurt anyone, nor ask anyone to change on his behalf. This already made him far better than Kent, who couldn’t be concerned with his own son’s individuality. Sebastian swore under his breath as he thought about it. 

“What’s the plan?” Sam asked as they slipped through the front door. The house was completely dark. The two boys felt their way down the hall towards Sebastian’s room. 

“I need your pliers,” Sebastian whispered. “The ones you use for your guitar.” 

“Gotcha,” Sam whispered as he turned on the lamp by his drum kit. It cast a gentle light across the room. Sebastian watched out the window as Sam dug through a small toolkit that he kept under his bed. No sign of the Hansens, thank goodness. They must have just left. Sebastian turned to watch Sam. His icy blue eyes glinted with a fire as he rifled through his room. He had to admit to himself- he’d never seen Sam so riled up, and he kind of liked it. For a guy who was always sunshine and rainbows, it was nice to see a spicy side to him. 

“What’s next?” Sam said, passing the pliers to Sebastian. 

“Where’s your dad’s fishing gear?” Sebastian suggested. 

“Oh shit!” Sam said, giggling. “It’s in his closet!” 

“Let’s go,” Sebastian said, hitting the lights and grabbing Sam’s arm. Sam could navigate his house in the dark better than Sebastian could. Sebastian could feel him trembling as they walked through the pitch-black house. 

“Dude, why are you shaking? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Sebastian murmured. There was no need for whispering, he realized, as they were alone in the house… but there was something about the nature of it all that seemed almost taboo, creeping around with Sam in the dark like this. He felt almost silly for it, but it was exciting. 

“No way, Seb. I’m just excited,” Sam whispered back. 

It only took a second to get down the hallway that traveled from the kitchen to the master bedroom. Sam whipped his phone out and turned on the flashlight to flood the room with a bluish light. The closet was across the room. In there would be Kent’s fishing supplies. Sam’s dad didn’t allow himself many hobbies. ‘‘Time-wasters,’ Sebastian remembered his father say once when he was chastising Sam for his interest in music yet again… but fishing was something his dad was nearly obsessed with. 

The tackle box was what Sebastian was searching for. Inside there was a multitude of hooks, bobbers, sinkers, and bait. Sebastian quickly got to work, carefully using the pliers to bend all of Kent’s hooks into straight barbs. Sebastian took the bobbers and cracked them open at the seam so they could be closed once he filled them with the rocks he’d collected out by the river. They would sink to the bottom of the riverbed, hopefully. He didn’t think Kent would get so far with straight hooks, though. 

“Dude, you’re a genius!” Sam squealed. 

“I’m not done yet. I want to loosen the joints in the fishing rod so when he finally gets a fish on the line, it pulls the rod apart.” 

“Savage,” Sam said gleefully. 

The fishing rods weren’t as easy to deal with, as Sebastian discovered. They were way more flexible than he gave them credit for, and they’d been assembled for such a long time that the joints were nearly impossible to take apart. Sebastian grunted under his breath as he fought against them, trying to get them to cooperate. 

That was when they heard the front door open. 

“Time for bed, Vincent,” Kent’s voice echoed from the living room. 

“Shit!” Sam swore. 

Sebastian and Sam rushed to reassemble Kent’s tackle box. Sam luckily remembered where everything went. Sebastian could feel himself begin to tremble as he struggled against the compromised fishing rods, which were even harder to put back together after being messed with. If he didn’t do the job properly, at least Kent would never be able to take them apart again. 

“Done, yes!” Sam cheered under his breath. 

“I’m going to bed, Jodi.” Kent called. Sebastian could hear his feet travelling down the hall. 

“Okay, dear. Goodnight!” Jodi replied. 

“Fuck, dude, your dad is coming down here.” Sebastian said. Sam looked around the room quickly, trying to come up with a solution. He looked to Sebastian, who just shrugged. He didn’t know what to do, either. 

“Quick, in the closet!” Sam said, pulling Sebastian into the closet with him and shutting the door. He squirmed through the clothes to the deep end of the closet, pulling Sebastian with him. Sebastian took Sam’s phone and turned off the flashlight just as they heard the bedroom door open. 

Sebastian could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he saw the light stream into the closet through the gap at the bottom of the door. Sam inhaled sharply next to him and held his breath. The light streaming in allowed Sebastian to just barely see Sam’s face. He was merely inches away. Was Sam blushing? It was hard to tell in the low light. Of course he wasn’t. It would be ridiculous to be embarrassed at a time like this. 

Kent opened the closet door, which caused Sam to squawk in fear. Sebastian quickly brought his hand to Sam’s mouth and covered it. He could only shake his head as he squished into the closet closer to Sam, hopefully staying invisible to the man rifling through the clothes hanging from the bar above their heads. Sebastian could feel Sam’s heart beating hard against his own chest. His breath seemed to be trapped in his throat. If they were caught, they were undeniably, absolutely screwed. 

“Jodi! Have you seen my pajamas?” Kent called. Sam closed his eyes tightly and Sebastian felt Sam’s hand close around his. Sebastian gripped it tightly. 

“It’s all in the dresser, babe,” Sebastian heard Jodi call faintly through the house. Kent closed the closet door and his footsteps could be heard walking to the other end of the room. Sebastian dropped his hand from Sam’s face, whose pallor was almost ghostly. He shuddered as he took a deep breath. Sebastian chuckled silently to himself. 

Suddenly, the light was turned off and Sebastian heard Kent get into bed. The old mattress squeaked in agony as Kent settled into it and groaned. 

“Is your dad going to bed?” Sebastian mouthed. Sam merely shrugged. “We’re gonna be stuck in here all night!” 

“He’s a heavy sleeper,” Sam mouthed quietly in return. “We only have to wait until he falls asleep.” 

Sebastian took a breath for the first time since Kent opened the closet door and closed his eyes. It was dark, so dark that he couldn’t even see his hand in front of his face. He could only feel Sam’s body pressed against his in the closet, still clutching his hand. Sebastian could still feel Sam’s heart fluttering like a bird in his chest. Impulsively, Sebastian squeezed Sam’s hand, trying to let him know that they were going to survive what turned out to be Sebastian’s worst idea in years. 

What was he doing? What the fuck was that? Holding Sam’s hand, let alone giving it a reassuring squeeze, was totally out of character. But them hiding in that closet, standing so close he could smell the beer on Sam’s breath… it was all because he’d suggested some stupid prank and Sam had gone with it in the heat of the moment. Was it so wrong, to just want his best friend to be happy? To want to reassure him, to want him to feel safe? 

The thoughts swam around in Sebastian’s head as he awaited Sam’s reaction to the hand-squeeze. He half expected Sam to laugh it off, drop his hand, and call him a homo or something. That was just their regular banter. Sam would never think a thing about it again and Sebastian’s brief flirtation with feelings for Sam would be long gone and forgotten. 

That is, until Sam squeezed back. It was so slight, and such a small gesture, that if Sebastian hadn’t been anxiously awaiting a reaction it would have gone unnoticed. It happened, though, and it made Sebastian’s heart leap up into this throat. Sebastian nervously dropped Sam’s hand and stuffed his hands in his pockets. 

It felt like an eternity passed as they stood in the closet, chest to chest. Sebastian was afraid to move an inch for fear of rustling the clothes or shifting a box. They heard Kent moving around as he got comfortable, but that was a long time ago. The two just stood in silence, the sound of the other’s breathing the only things they could hear. 

“I think he’s asleep now,” Sam whispered. “He hasn’t moved in a long time.” 

“You think?” Sebastian whispered. 

“Mhmmm,” Sam said as he squeezed past Sebastian and headed for the closet door. The room as just as dark as the closet. Sebastian could hear Kent’s steady, deep breathing as they crossed the room. Sam slowly opened the door to the kitchen and slipped through with Sebastian close behind. 

“Oh my god!” Sam exclaimed under his breath. “We fucking did it!” 

“That was insane, fuck,” Sebastian laughed equally quietly. 

Sam pulled Sebastian into a hug. He was a lot taller than Sebastian, which meant that Sebastian’s face was barely at neck-level. He could smell the trace of Sam’s cologne that still clung to his skin at the end of this very long day. Sebastian nervously hugged Sam back. 

“Thanks for doing this with me, Seb.” 

“It wasn’t anything.” 

“No, seriously. You always back me up. I don’t know what I’d do without you, dude.” Sam said, speaking softly. 

“Okay, okay,” Sebastian said, a smile curling across his lips. Sam broke the embrace and laughed awkwardly before heading down the hallway. 

“You can stay if you want, we can play Junimo Cart or something.” 

“Nah, I need to get home.” 

“Alright, dude. See ya.” 

Sebastian crept quietly past the kitchen where Jodi was doing dishes, through the living room, and out the front door. He felt like he was in high school and had just run the mandatory mile again- exhausted, out-of-breath, hot. Lacing his fingers behind his head, he stretched his back and shakily let a foggy breath out into the chilly air. It wasn’t until he took his cigarettes out of his pocket and tried to light one that he realized he was still shaking. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, as he finally lit one and pursed it between his lips. The smoke and nicotine soothed his trembling hands and the first one was quickly finished. It was promptly followed by a second one. Sebastian didn’t start heading home until the third one was gone. 

What the fuck just happened? 

It was just another prank. He and Sam pranked people all the time. Hell, they were still banned from participating in the egg toss at the Egg Festival after putting a rotten egg in the basket of eggs. He could still remember the putrid smell that emerged from the cracked shell after it hit the ground and laughed quietly to himself. 

He guessed what made it different was the fact that he’d acted on his emotions, rather than for the laughs. This time he wasn’t trying to impress Sam or anyone else with his antics. He was genuinely trying to make Sam feel better about this nasty situation he had been literally born into. Sebastian’s stomach twisted up as he thought about it, getting more and more upset again as he continued. 

As he made it to the lake outside his house, he fingered a smooth rock that he’d kept in his pocket. When he found it, he’d thought it was the perfect skipping stone, too good to put in one of Kent’s bobbers. Its soft edges were soothing to the touch as Sebastian turned it over and over in his hand. 

So what if he did have a feeling? Sam was the person he was closest to. He spent all his time with him. They were best friends, brothers practically. 

Maybe that’s why it felt so wrong. Even if hell froze over and Sebastian ever said anything to Sam about that moment they’d shared in the closet, it was unlikely that Sam would reciprocate. The last thing Sebastian wanted was to lose Sam. He told himself that it was fleeting, heat-of-the-moment, and should just be forgotten. 

He took the stone out of his pocket and hurled it across the lake.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me y'all know who MacGyuver is.

“So let me get this straight. You and Seb pranked your dad, who came home WHILE you were doing it, so you hid in the closet. And WHILE you were hiding in there, you smooshed up all close together and held hands and he squeezed your hand? And you squeezed his hand?” 

“Yeah, pretty much.” 

“So are you guys like dating now?” 

“No.” 

“Are you guys hooking up?” 

“No.” 

“Then it was nothing, forget about it.” 

“It sure didn’t feel like nothing.” 

Abigail harrumphed as Sam tipped the old, rickety chair back on its legs. They were sitting on the porch at Jonathan’s house, watching Jonathan plant cauliflower and rhubarb in the ground. Abigail watched him intently, giving him big, puppy dog eyes. A huge diamond, surrounded by tiny sparkling amethysts, sat upon her ring finger, which she stopped to admire about every thirty seconds. 

“God, you are so gross,” Sam chuckled. “Such a lovesick puppy.” 

“He just proposed! I am so allowed to be lovesick!” Abigail exclaimed. 

“Sure, sure, sure. When’s the wedding?” 

“Spirit’s Eve. Jonny said I could have it whenever I want,” she squealed. 

“Eew, you’re calling him Jonny now? Barf.” 

“You’re just jealous that I have Jon and all you have is… hmmm… how do I put it?” 

“Don’t-” 

“Homoerotic moments in the closet with your best friend?” 

“I should have never told you,” he groaned. “Promise you won’t say anything to Seb.” 

“No way, dude, he’s gonna be so grumpy about it, I don’t need that shit,” Abigail laughed. Sam’s phone started dancing across the table as it vibrated. He raced to grab it, but Abigail beat him to it. “Ohhh, Sammy, it’s your closet friend.” 

“Abigail,” he warned through gritted teeth. “Give me that.” 

Abigail handed over his phone. Sebastian had texted him. A horrible conglomeration of nervous excitement and dread creeped up his guts and into his throat. He swallowed thickly as he stared at the screen. ****

**NEW SMS NOTIFICATION**

**  
From: Seb**

**Hey**

**_Easy enough_ , Sam thought.**

**Hey man what up**

**Smoke?

@ Abigails, be there soon

**

Sam stood up from the ancient chair and stretched his arms high in the air. He was relieved everything seemed normal. Maybe he did read into it too much. He’d spent most of yesterday hiding behind the bush in front of Lewis’s house and thinking it over- how Sebastian simply squeezing his hand made him feel totally frozen and how he didn’t really think about it, he’d just impulsively squeezed back. 

Did he mean it? To do that? Of course he did, he thought. Sam didn’t really think when it came to people, he just did what he thought felt right. That was the scariest part. Holding hands with his best friend had felt _right_. 

“Shut up,” he muttered. 

“What?” Abigail said, absentmindedly picking some lint off of her ring. 

“I have to go,” Sam said, hopping down the old, creaky porch steps. “And I think you were right, it probably was nothing.” 

“I’m always right, aren’t I?” Abigail teased. 

“And always modest,” Sam jabbed back. 

“Aww, come here, Sammy,” Abigail said, leaning over the balcony to give the tall, lanky blonde a hug and a swift kiss on the cheek. “You’ll still visit me when I’m a farm girl, right?” 

“Duh,” Sam chuckled. “Bye.” 

Sam took the shortcut up behind the farm to get to the mountainside quickly. _Everything’s gonna be cool. Nothing’s gonna be weird. You like to overthink shit, remember? This is the shit you’re overthinking right now._

As he approached Sebastian’s house, he saw the dark-haired man standing by the lakeside. Sam almost shouted out to him to say hey, but instead bit his tongue. He stopped at the bottom of the path and watched, quietly, as Sebastian stared out at the crystal clear water. The late afternoon sun made the water shimmer and dance with a yellow tinge, just like the sunset. It was beautiful, like the rest of the Valley. 

Sebastian, of course, was smoking a cigarette. His slender fingers held it so haphazardly- it dangled lazily between his pointer and middle finger. Even when he wasn’t taking a drag, Sam could see the smoke trailing from it snake up into his nostrils and escape in little puffs as Sebastian breathed. When he did smoke, he cradled the cigarette against his lips gently and closed his eyes as if the smoke he was inhaling was some delicious treat. Sam distinctly remembered how those fingers had closed around his own hand, holding it just the same, gently but surely- 

“Hey, Seb,” Sam said, deliberately interrupting his own train of thought. 

“Hey,” Sebastian said, his gaze on the water unwavering. Instead, Sebastian held out his pack of cigarettes. Sam didn’t always smoke, but during some lazy afternoons Sam liked to have one or two while they stood by the lake and talked. He was happy to take the pack so he could have something to do with his hands. They were both quiet as they stood by the lake. 

“Your dad gone fishing yet?” Sebastian asked. 

“No, he’s still catching up on some stuff that the Republic needs him to do. He spends a lot of time sitting at his laptop in the kitchen.” 

“Bummer. I was wondering if you’d gotten strung up by your ankles or something,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Haven’t heard from your for a minute.” 

“Are you kidding? I’ve been avoiding that guy like the plague. I have to go to Abby’s to get something to eat. She’s eating vegetables now, you know,” Sam whined. “She tried to get me to eat some snow yams she and Jon had saved from the winter.” 

Seb wrinkled his nose. “Next time just come over here, dude. Robin considers you to be the son she never had. She’d be happy to feed you.” 

“But she has you!” 

“Exactly.” Sebastian laughed. “I’m not exactly a picture-perfect son.” 

“I think you’re alright. You don’t do hard drugs and you pay rent. There’s a lot worse you could do.” Sam suggested. 

Sebastian laughed. “Thanks, I’ll try to remember that the next time Demetrius comes down the stairs with another problem.” 

“I think you’re too hard on yourself,” Sam said, bending over to pick up a stone. He turned it over and over in his hand. The unyielding, gentle waves of the lake had worn the surfaces of the pebble into a smooth, flat stone. Sam half-wished he could have seen it when the process began. It probably looked nothing like this. “It just takes time to change and get better.” 

“I’m twenty six, don’t you think that time’s passed by now?” 

“Hey, don’t get too critical. I’m right there with you dude. My mom still tries to tell me when to come home, and I don’t even have a real job like you do.” 

“Sorry.” 

Sam smiled at Sebastian warmly. “Hey, don’t be. It’s okay to wanna be better.” 

True, genuine smiles from Sebastian were rare. Usually, it was a cynical little laugh paired with a sarcastic grin, or a devilish smile after he’d done something he knew wasn’t appropriate. Sam could tell by the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, or by the way the right side of his mouth pulled up further than his left, that Sebastian was really, really smiling. This time he was. 

“You’re right,” he murmured. Sebastian stuck his cigarette butt in the old can by the tree and put his pack of cigarettes in his pocket. They walked into the house, but no one could be found- typical for a Tuesday afternoon at Sebastian’s house. Robin was probably still at Pierre’s and Demetrius and Maru were doing God-knows-what for the sake of science. The boys headed to the kitchen, where Sebastian began rooting around the fridge. 

“We need snacks,” Sebastian said absentmindedly as he searched. 

“There’s always frozen pizzas, and I know your mom has those peanut butter pretzels,” Sam said. “Plus Jonathan gave me a bunch of strawberries.” 

“Perfect.” Seb said. 

Pizzas, pretzels, and strawberries, in tow, Sam and Sebastian headed down to the basement. They had smoke-proofing the room down perfectly after years of practice. Sam rolled the towel kept under a couch cushion and pressed it against the gap under the door. Sebastian was busy preparing the old paper towel tube- they’d macGyvered an old paper towel tube into an air freshener by covering one end in softener sheets Sam had stolen from his mom’s laundry stash and rubber banding them on. The fan was on and that was it- they were ready to go. 

“Ugh, I needed this,” Sebastian groaned as he hit the bong, hard. 

Sam laughed. “What could possibly stress you out?” Sebastian was right, though, the smell of the pot smoke in the air was already calming Sam. As he took a hit, he breathed deeply and held the smoke in his lungs. 

“I, uh. I was worried.” 

Sam, still holding the smoke in his lungs, waved Sebastian on to continue his story. He wasn’t ready to release his hit yet- it was too good and he knew that this one good lungful would take care of him for the rest of the afternoon. Sebastian took the bong from him and began inspecting the bowl for any residual pot that hadn’t gotten smoked yet. 

“I was worried about you,” he muttered out the corner of his mouth as he struck the mouth of the bowl flat against the tray on his coffee table. Sam’s stomach did a backflip in his abdominal cavity and he sputtered as the smoke escaped his body. So much for that hit carrying him over. “I don’t know, sometimes I think your dad’s gonna try and beat your ass someday or something. I don’t want to be the guy who got you in that situation.” 

Sebastian continued picking at the little green clumps stuck to the inside of the bowl with a pair of tweezers. Sam coughed as the air of the basement shocked his lungs, replacing the warm pot smoke with chillier, dry air. He wiped his teary eyes to find a pink tinge adorning his friend’s face. Was Sebastian blushing? It was hard to tell. The pale man was inspecting the bong very, very thoroughly and his usual dark curtain of hair cascaded around his high cheekbones, covering most of his face. There it was though- the blush. Unmistakable. 

“It’s stupid, obviously you’re fine,” Sebastian said curtly before putting the bong away in the empty cardboard box hidden under his couch. Sam could only nod. He wasn’t sure if he was breathless from the bong or from Sebastian’s blushing. 

The boys found themselves at a loss for what to do to pass the time. They were supposed to meet Abigail at the Saloon for their typical Friday night ritual of binge drinking and billiards, but that wasn’t for a few hours. Sam draped himself across the foot of Sebastian’s bed as he fiddled with the handheld game he kept in his pocket while Sebastian cranked out code on his computer. This wasn’t an atypical afternoon, but something about it felt weird. Different. 

He apparently wasn’t the only one who felt this way as Sebastian took his keyboard out of his lap and dropped it on his desk with an exaggerated sigh. Sam watched as he peeled his hoodie off over his head and flopped on the bed next to Sam. He apparently hadn’t been wearing a shirt under it. Sam watched Sebastian’s chest rise and fall gently as he breathed deeply with eyes closed and his arms tucked under his head. The way the dusty light hanging from the ceiling bounced off of the rings dangling from Sebastian’s nipples was more than distracting. 

“Sam,” Sebastian said. 

“What’s up dude,” Sam said, really, really trying to focus on jumping goombas and saving princesses until his mustachioed character dropped in a pit. He dropped his game on his chest as he slid down the wall and matched Sebastian’s posture with his legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Sebastian was glaring at his cell phone. 

“Abigail just reminded me- the stupid Flower Dance is coming up,” Sebastian groaned. “I guess she wanted to remind me that she’s never dancing with me again now that she has Jonathan and now I actually have to find a date instead of just pretending I have one.” 

Sam snickered at him under his breath. “Ow!” he whined as Sebastian elbowed him in the ribs. 

“Are you taking Penny?” 

“No, she and Maru are going together I guess,” Sam said. “I guess she’d rather go with a friend than pretend to have fun with me.” 

“Shut up, you know she was into you, but you missed out.” Sebastian muttered, closing his eyes again. “Maru kind of just bit the bullet and finally told her how she feels like yesterday.” 

“What the fuck!” Sam exclaimed. Sebastian and Maru were closer now than ever thanks to the local hero who had just seemed to swoop in on the valley and fix everything. Jonathan had encouraged them to put their polar relationships with Demetrius aside and try to be friends. As it turned out, the two had more in common than they had realized and now they shared everything. Not that Sam was jealous, or anything. 

“Yeah, she told her she had been in love with her for years and I guess Penny kind of liked the idea and now they’re going to the Flower Dance as a couple. I don’t know. I don’t gossip, you know me.” 

Sam merely nodded. He and Penny had always gone to the dance together if only to get their respective parents off their backs. Honestly, Sam had never really been interested in the petite, redheaded girl- not really any girl in the valley for that matter. They had tried to date, they had even lost their virginity to each other- but it hadn’t been an awe-inspiring experience, so they decided to remain friends. Obviously, that had worked out for the best, and Sam was relieved. 

“Sorry to burst your bubble, buddy.” Sebastian murmured as he examined his friend out of the corner of his eye. 

Sam laughed. At first, it was just a chuckle, but soon the laughter filled the basement with cacophony as Sam began crying and laughing and trying to catch his breath. 

“Ooookay. You let me know when you’re sane again.” Sebastian said, rolling his eyes. 

“Nah dude, this is kind of a relief. You know me and Penny never really had a mutual… interest in each other?” 

“Oh my god, you trying to talk fancy is so fucking funny,” Sebastian snorted. 

“Whatever, asshole.” 

“I thought you guys were a thing, what happened to that?” Sebastian said, rolling to face Sam. His eyebrows knit together as Sebastian scrutinized his face. He’d never told him that he and Penny weren’t a ‘will-they-won’t-they’ thing anymore. Why, he’d never really been able to figure out. 

“Um, well, we had sex.” 

“You didn’t tell me? Wow. And I’m the asshole.” 

“We had sex and it didn’t work okay? It didn’t fucking work. It was the worst,” Sam sighed, draping his arms over his face. “It was really awkward and Penny cried a lot and…” he groaned loudly. 

“Jeez dude, sorry. That sounds shitty.” 

“It was, and it wasn’t even her. It was me.” 

Sebastian rolled back onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Sam closed his eyes tightly and tried to ignore the possibility that Sebastian thought his dick didn’t work or something. Not that he cared about that- it did every other time- but there was something about that night, trying to have sex with her when he could really have cared less… that was what made it so horrible. She had cared so much and he couldn’t care at all. It felt so different, so terrible, that he hated himself for it. 

“Hey dude, I know you’re thinking that I’m gonna torment you for having a broken dick or something but I’m not, so just calm down, alright?” 

Sam opened his eyes to find Sebastian rolled over again, looking at him intently. “I know that’s not it. Do you really think I thought that you and Penny were gonna get married and spawn? Fuck no. She’s way too high maintenance for you and you know it. You need someone who knows you just as well as you know yourself. You’ll find them, don’t worry.” 

Sam smiled at his friend. Sebastian, the man of few words, almost always knew what to say to calm him down and help him feel better. Sebastian put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Sam felt the blood rush to his face and his face flush. He wanted to reach up and grab that hand, feel the fingers close around his like they did in the closet the other night. Sebastian certainly wasn’t letting go. His hand rested steadily on his shoulder. 

“Seb-” Sam blurted out. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks… for saying that.” Sam stuttered. 

“That’s what friends are for, Sam.” 

Sam nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that this will probably be the last update until after finals (mid-May). Life is crazy and I am crazy. Please be patient with me and thanks in advance <3

Sebastian flopped onto his bed like a limp, lifeless body. The old mattress squeaked loudly in complaint as it rocked him up and down in resistance before settling in the old dip he’d established long ago. He watched as the ceiling fan spun lazily, causing the dingy light to swing to and fro on its rusty chain. 

This fucking basement, Sebastian thought. It was like a prison sometimes. Sure, it was his prison, and honestly he’d made it this way, but there were times when it felt like the walls were slowly sliding inwards until Sebastian felt his claustrophobia grip him by the throat. Thankfully, he’d drank too much at the bar with Sam and Abigail and the booze created a rather swoopy, mind-bending sensation this time rather than a crushing one. 

His eyelids fluttered shut as he thought about the evening. Abigail, and her blissful ignorance as she sorted through bridal magazines on the couch. He vividly remembered how many purple flower photos had been cut out and precariously placed in a pile. Then there was Sam… Sam and his brilliant eyes and cheerful smile. 

Sebastian had realized a long time ago that they were polar opposites and it only made sense for them to despise each other, but there was something about Sam that drew Sebastian in. His defiant optimism, maybe, or perhaps his incessant outward flow of energy that seemed to wake Sebastian up from any moody daydream. Maybe it was the way his lips pulled into a pout when he was losing at pool, or the way his calloused fingers brushed against Sebastian’s as he passed him the lighter. 

Fuck. Ever since that night, that fateful night, Sebastian couldn’t stop thinking about it. About Sam. Every little thing he’d ignored or taken for granted suddenly shone in this brand-new light that seemed to spill from every crevice and cranny of that blonde, beautiful man. Sebastian couldn’t stop thinking about the way his chest had pressed against Sam’s, or the way he could feel Sam’s heart pounding hard against Sebastian’s as they were trapped in that small, cramped space together- 

The way his calloused fingers really were calloused, yet gentle- 

Beer laced in his breath and a slight musky smell to his old jean jacket- 

It was hot. It could have been hotter. If either one of them hadn’t been so blind, maybe they could see it. The way Sam talked about having sex with a girl made it seem like he didn’t want to even have sex with girls, but maybe he’d have sex with him… Sebastian immediately tried to dismiss the thought, but his body had responded so positively to the thought that now his erection was tenting against his black skinny jeans and there was no avoiding it. No lying to himself. 

He was obviously attracted to his best friend. Sexually, emotionally, there was a crush, and there was no denying it. 

Sebastian shimmied out of his jeans and hastily grabbed the lube from his bedside drawer. 

______________________________________________________________________________ 

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Jodi sang as Sam sat in his favorite kitchen chair. Today he dared to join his family for breakfast. After nearly two weeks of either hiding out at Sebastian or Abigail’s, or just waiting until the kitchen was abandoned, he decided to bite the bullet and just do it. Sit down, have a pleasant meal and boring, normal conversation. Not impossible, right? 

“Hey mom,” Sam, said, undoing the top button of his navy blue dress shirt. Jodi passed him the waffles while he sighed happily. He didn’t hate dressing up, but he did hate buttoning his shirt up to the neck and wearing ties. Hopefully, his mother wouldn’t complain. 

“You look nice, are you not dancing in the Flower Dance this year?” Jodi asked. “It’s just that you’re not wearing your suit.” 

“Nah, Penny and Maru are going together, and Abigail is going with Jonathan, of course, so I’m just gonna go and watch or whatever.” 

Jodi laughed. “That must be a relief. I know you hated that awful suit you poor boys had to wear. The girls made off much better!” 

Sam chuckled as he took a massive bite. Vincent was busy buttering every single cranny of his waffle while Kent looked at the newspaper. Sam let out a quiet sigh of relief as he saw that his father was too preoccupied with the paper to even see that he had sat down at the table. A slight scowl adorned his father’s face as he examined the paper. 

“Gotoro’s advancing on the Southern coast,” he grumbled. “That’s not good.” 

“It’ll be fine, dear,” Jodi said, patting his shoulder. “You promised me you’d take a break from the paper once Sam joined us, remember? We haven’t had a breakfast together in years.” 

_Dammit, mom._

Kent was just as disappointed as Sam, apparently, since he grumbled loudly and put the paper to the side. He heaped bacon on his plate and took most of the grits. They were his father’s favorite breakfast food. Sam thought of grits as pale, flavorless sludge. The sound people made when they ate them just added to their abhorrent quality. Sam closed his eyes as his dad made that unmistakable slurping sound. Now really wasn’t the time for being picky. 

“I saw you on your laptop yesterday, dad. Is the Republic still sending you stuff?” Sam asked casually as he bit into a piece of bacon. 

“Yeah, I’m not totally done yet. Still got troop assignments, ration deliveries, all that shit.” 

“That sucks.” 

“Yeah,” Kent chuckled. “It kind of does. Haven’t been able to fish since I got here.” 

Sam nodded apprehensively as he had a staring contest with the last, soggy chunk of waffle on his plate. “You’ll get to go sooner or later.” 

_Later, hopefully..._

Luckily, the rest of the meal was eaten in silence, save for Vincent, who sang quietly under his breath as he continued buttering his waffles. Sam wasn’t sure, but he could have sworn Vincent was singing the band’s latest song. Sam smiled quietly to himself, hoping that maybe someday he and Vincent could share a love of making music together. 

Kent groaned and stood up from the table. “Alright,” he said decidedly. “Let’s go to this… dance thing.” Vincent squealed in excitement and hopped up from the table to latch onto his father’s side. Jodi took him by the arm. They looked almost picturesque without him, Sam thought. 

“You coming?” Jodi said. 

“I’ll take care of the dishes and meet you guys there.” Sam said, waving goodbye. He carefully piled the dishes and carried them to the counter where he scrubbed absentmindedly. The quiet was almost too much for him, as usual. Sam began to hum under his breath. It was a new song that he’d been working on, one that had been in the works for awhile and was difficult to figure out. He smiled to himself as that one, elusive chord finally came to his brain. 

“That a new one?” 

Sam nearly dropped the glass he was drying into the sink. He hadn’t heard Sebastian come in. Sam knew he probably hadn’t been quiet about it at all, but lately, Sam had gotten very good at sinking into his own little world and blocking everything out. La-la land, his mom called it. Whatever. In that place, music was usually made, but lately, it had been filled with thoughts of… other things. Warm, slender hands, and lips that tasted like cigarettes. 

“I liked it,” Sebastian said as he leaned against the counter with a coy smile on his face. 

“Fucker,” Sam said, frowning at him. “You scared me.” 

“I can’t help it if you drop off into your happy place and leave the front door unlocked,” Sebastian teased. “You’re gonna get murdered someday, you realize that, right?” 

“Again, fucker! You’re a fucker.” 

Sebastian shrugged before looking at Sam’s shirt. Sebastian was also dressed up a little more than usual. His black button-up’s pocket bulged with what Sam assumed was a pack of cigarettes. The shirt was haphazardly tucked into his regular black skinny jeans. Of course. Sebastian wore those practically every day of the year. Sam’s look was almost nearly the same, minus the cigarettes, and his shirt was blue. Sebastian frowned. 

“God dammit, we’re practically fucking identical.” 

Sam laughed. “Dude, I’m surprised you’re even coming to this thing. You hate socializing.” 

“I still don’t wanna go. I just wore this in case you did the whole ‘socializing is good for you bullshit’. I have a different idea.” 

“Let’s hear it,” Sam said, intrigued, as he dried the last dish and put it in the rack. 

“We go to this stupid thing for awhile. So the town doesn’t think we’re sad, lonely losers,” Sebastian began. 

“But we definitely are lonely losers,” Sam interrupted cheekily. 

“Shut up. After I’ve done all I can take, we take the bike and go to Zuzu.” 

“Yes, fucking yes. Okay, let’s go to this stupid dance and get it over with,” Sam suggested. The two left the little blue house and started the long walk to the field clearing in the forest. Sebastian already had a cigarette between his lips before his feet hit the pavement. He was clearly not in a chatty mood, which was fine with Sam. Sebastian was the only person he could enjoy silence with, without feeling compelled to talk about something, anything to fill the void. There was no void with Sebastian. 

Instead, Sam listened to the crunch of the gravel beneath his feet and the twittering of birds above his head and tried very hard to ignore the compulsion to grab Sebastian’s hand. Lucky for him, Sebastian made that easy by switching his cigarette to the hand on the side Sam was walking on. He kind of hated himself for being such a chicken. Was it so bad, crushing on Sebastian? Sebastian was one of the few people in this town who actually gave a shit, really actually cared, about Sam. As a person, not a goal or a milestone. He was funny, and smart, and always fun to be around... 

He was justifying this to himself, Sam realized, as the two walked along quietly. Sam swallowed thickly and looked over to Sebastian, who seemed just as trapped in his own thoughts as Sam was in his. He did pass the cigarette to Sam, who gratefully smoked the remainder quickly right down to the butt. 

The two boys were late, as usual. The field was already filled with people milling about, eating, drinking, talking, and waiting for Lewis to announce the dance. They immediately made their way to the punch table, filled their cups, and stood to the side to hopefully avoid Lewis’s watchful gaze. 

“Hey, guys,” Maru said as she and Penny gleefully pranced over, hand-in-hand. Sam tried not to stare, but apparently failed, as Penny’s face grew red enough to match her hair. Maru gripped her hand tightly, almost to remind her that she was there with her. Not like she needed it. Sam couldn’t help but notice the blissful look on Penny’s face. She’d never, ever had that expression when he was with her. He tried not to take it personally. 

“Hi,” Sebastian said out of one corner of his mouth, his cigarette dangling from the other. 

“Are you guys not dancing?” Penny asked. 

“No,” Sam said, shaking his head, “Don’t have dates. Whatever.” 

“You could always dance with each other,” Maru suggested. Sebastian squeaked and his cigarette fell to the ground. 

“N-no, no way,” Sam said, stuttering. 

“This is awesome, we don’t have to wear those stupid clothes and dance around like idiots for everyone else’s entertainment. This is a good thing. Right, Sam?” Sebastian said quickly. 

“Mhmmm,” he muttered. 

“Dancers, assemble please,” Lewis called out. Maru and Penny thankfully took their little cloud of glee with them as they left. It wasn’t that Sam didn’t want to see one of his best friends happy- he really did want to see Penny happy- but Maru had rubbed him the wrong way by suggesting he dance with Sebastian. 

Or was it Sebastian? He’d reacted so poorly to the suggestion he’d dropped a cigarette, which Sebastian never, ever did. Said they were better off not having partners to dance with. Maybe they could’ve given it a shot, maybe they would have liked it better than they originally thought? Then again, dancing at the Flower Dance was not a platonic, friendship-py thing. Not at all. 

Sebastian was grinding away at the cigarette in the grass with his heel as the old, scratchy record began playing with that same old waltz the dancers danced to every year. Sebastian seemed intent on obliterating that cigarette into the face of the earth as he furrowed his brow. Was he upset? He couldn’t be. It was just a cigarette, Sam thought. 

“Why didn’t you and Penny work?” Sebastian asked as he kicked dirt over what used to be that cigarette. Of course, that was just like Sebastian not to tiptoe around something delicately, especially with Sam. He shouldn’t have to. Sam almost wished he had- he felt a loss for words. He settled with a shrug. Better than admitting he might be gay, and that might be because of his best friend. 

“Come on. You’ve already kept secrets from me, we made a pact not to keep secrets,” Sebastian prodded. 

“That was in like, third grade,” Sam grumbled. Maru and Penny looked so happy as they waltzed away in each other’s arms. Demetrius watched like a hawk. Sam was sure he’d never intended for his precious baby girl to fall in love with the girl he’d let sleep in her room with the door closed for years. Sam stifled a laugh, but looked over to see Sebastian frowning at him. 

“Promise you won’t be a dick.” 

“I can’t promise you that.” Sebastian said, crossing his arms as he watched the dancers. Sam gave him his best deadpan stare. “...fine. I promise not to be a dick,” Sebastian said in a mocking tone. 

“I don’t think I like girls. At least, not any of the girls here. Not that there’s anything wrong with them!” Sam said as Sebastian looked at him with wide eyes. “Please stop that, Seb…” 

Sebastian shook his head. “Sorry dude.” 

Sam groaned. “I should have just lied to you or something.” 

“Why?” 

“What, you aren’t totally freaked out by the idea that the guy you’ve been having sleepovers with for years might be gay?” 

Sebastian shrugged. “It’s whatever. People are gay.... Uh, Look at Penny and Maru,” he said, pointing at the girls. They were staring into each other’s eyes as they swirled in circles. “Super gay, one of them’s even my sister, I don’t give a shit.” 

Sam looked nervously around the crowd. He was thankful they were standing by the river. Its rushing water surely blocked out any conversation they could have. Jodi made eye contact with him, smiled, and waved enthusiastically. 

“Can we get out of here?” Sam begged. 

“Fucking finally,” Sebastian said, strolling towards the forest.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOPS I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE ANOTHER CHAPTER
> 
> sorry not sorry
> 
> enjoy
> 
> following trigger warnings:  
> mild sexual assault  
> alcohol abuse
> 
> yeah needless to say this doesn't go well, I can't help what these boys do, they are their own characters now.

Depression came in an ebb and flow. Some days were good, some days were bad. Sometimes those days chained into weeks, months, years... It was never a sure thing. Sometimes, that dark hand would wait for a smell or a memory to seep into Sebastian’s brain before grabbing him by the ankles and pulling him deep within itself. Other times, it would be days, or weeks, of light hearts and hopeful thoughts.

It had been a long time since Sebastian felt like the grip of that dark hand had left him. Sebastian would lay in bed for hours after waking up, soaking in the dark thoughts and feelings that filled his belly and his brain, until either Robin or Sam came to his rescue. Excitement was something he’d gotten good at feigning- same as any emotion, really. He felt a whole lot of nothing a whole lot of the time.

After the new year had come, it had gotten especially bad. There was something about the dread of another year passing that had Sebastian almost paranoid. Wary of days passing, time slipping by, that indicated no change or refresh to his routine. He felt trapped in his own life. Knowing it was his own fault made it worse. He was the one that had chosen a path that resulted in a dead-end. He’d never thought to turn around. 

It was too late, he just knew it. Too late to try to change something or make it new again. The wagon wheels were set too deeply in their ruts. A glimmer of hope was rare. He told himself the next time he saw one, he would grab it. Wring it of all it had to offer. Make it his own.

There was a glimmer and God, he hated it. He didn’t want this one. The price was too high. Losing Sam would be like losing a limb, and that’s exactly what Sebastian thought would happen if he let these feelings escalate. Hell, he’d already let it escalate further than he should have. Sebastian cursed himself for it.

But goddamn, if that glimmer wasn’t strong, and tempting, and full of wonderful maybes.

“Seb, where’s my helmet?” Sam said as he lifted the door to the garage.

“Hmm?”

“Helmet. Brain bucket. Where did you put them?” Sam said, rapping his knuckles against Sebastian’s head.

“Basement.”

“What, but the motorcycle’s in here!!” Sam said, exasperated.

“I found a spider in mine last week,” Sebastian mumbled.

“You’re still afraid of spiders!?”

“They have so many legs, dude. It’s not right.”

Sam rolled his eyes and went into the house, leaving Sebastian in the garage and slamming the door behind him. Sebastian pursed his cigarette between his lips as he turned the key in the ignition, bringing the old motorcycle roaring to life. He leaned against it as he stared at the front door. Sam was upset. Sebastian couldn’t blame him. He remembered when the gears had started turning in his own head and he realized that he had not only been interested in women, but men as well. It had been a confusing time to say the least.

He was grateful that had happened so many years ago. Sam deserved some credit, at least he’d come out to someone about it. Sebastian was envious of Sam’s earnest and forthcoming nature. He wished he could be more comforting- tell his friend that he knew exactly what he was going through- but he feared the worst. Loss of limb. Loss of life.

The slam of the door brought him back to reality. Sam handed Sebastian his helmet before strapping his to his head. Sebastian had bought him his helmet for his birthday last year after Sam had finally agreed to ride and conquer his fear of two-wheels. Sure, Sam hadn’t ridden since that first ride, but Sebastian kept his helmet safe and clean either way.

“You ready?” Sebastian said, swinging his leg over the bike. Sam stood there, staring at the motorcycle apprehensively. Sebastian flipped up his visor and wiggled his eyebrows at Sam.

“C’mon, Sam, she doesn’t bite.”

After a brief moment, Sam nodded his head and swung his lanky body over and onto the motorcycle. Sebastian planted his feet firmly on the ground, waiting for Sam to get comfortable and quit wiggling around. Last thing they needed was to eat shit on the gravel in front of Sebastian’s house and end their adventure prematurely.

“Dude, what’s your problem?” Sebastian asked impatiently.

“I don’t know what to do with my hands,” he heard Sam speak. A gentle knock on the back of Sebastian’s helmet told him that Sam was bouncing around like he was on a trampoline.

“Sam. It’s all good. You know I’m a good rider,” Sebastian said reassuringly.

“I know. It’s just… there’s no doors. No ceiling. It makes me nervous,” Sam said, squirming around.

“Do you trust me?” Sebastian said.

“Of course, Seb. I trust you more than anyone.”

“Then…” Sebastian sighed. “Just hold onto me.”

Sebastian felt Sam slide forward on the seat until he could feel Sam’s crotch pressing up against his backside. Sebastian pursed his lips and gripped the handlebars tightly as he breathed deeply. Abigail sat that close every time they rode together and never made his breath hitch. Just as Sebastian released the breath and felt his heart rate drop to a considerably normal level, Sam’s hands found their way to his waist and laid there gingerly, as if Sebastian was made of paper.

“You good?” Sebastian said before swallowing thickly, wondering to himself if he could sound any weirder.

Sam only nodded, smacking his helmet into the back of Sebastian’s.

“English, Sam!”

“Yeah, good,” Sam chirped.

Sebastian picked up his feet, hit the throttle, and off they went. The motorcycle was like nothing else, it seemed to hurl Sebastian into a zone where nothing, sweet nothing, floated through his head. Where there was a never-ending stream of consciousness that seemed to haunt him with his shortcomings, on the bike there was silence. It was wonderful, truly, to physically escape his own mind.

Sam’s hands tightened their grip on Sebastian’s sides as he precariously traveled the dirt path down the mountainside to the bus stop. It was the only way out of town, unfortunately. Riding through the farmland was no longer an option since the last time they did it, one of Jonathan’s cows literally had a heart attack. Thankfully, Ginger was fine, but they were banned from bringing two wheels on the farm after that.

“You good?” Sebastian yelled.

“I will be when we get on solid ground!”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head. He knew once he could get Sam out onto open road, he would love it. They’d finally hit the pavement and the ride smoothed out. The tires of his bike hugged the road and every curve. Sebastian could feel his brain rid itself of thought as the brisk spring air whipped his face and shoulders. He could smell the magnolia as they escaped the tunnel. Sebastian took a deep breath and smiled.

It took a long time before Sebastian felt Sam really relax. He had no idea how long they’d been traveling- damn, did he love that- but it had been several mile markers. Sebastian thought that maybe Sam didn’t notice how he leaned into his shorter, dark-haired friend, as he snaked his arms around Sebastian’s waist. Maybe he didn’t notice how he rested his chin on Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian could feel his steady breathing against his back.

No big, he thought. They were on this tiny motorcycle, and Sebastian knew how uncomfortable it could be ‘riding bitch’, as they called it. Sam was perhaps just trolling Sebastian, trying to see how uncomfortable he could make Sebastian before he pulled over and chewed him out for pressing his junk against Sebastian’s butt like some sick game of sexual chicken. That is, until Sam began holding Sebastian, letting go of his own arms and resting his hands against Sebastian’s torso. Sebastian prayed his friend couldn’t feel his heart thumping.

The ride itself felt tremendously short. Sebastian supposed that it was a combination of adrenaline and irrational speeding that got them there so quickly. To Sebastian’s disappointment, Sam’s hands slipped away and he sat straight up as they pulled up to their favorite billiards hall in Zuzu City. Sebastian liked it because they were smoker-friendly. Sam liked it because his favorite music store was right next door.

“Dude! They still have it!” Sam said, pressing his nose against the window of the shop. Of course, he was admiring the guitar they’d had on display for the last year. It had mother-of-pearl laid in the frets, and a glossy ebony finish to the body. Sebastian even liked it. Of course, it was out of Sam’s part-time salary price range, but that didn’t stop him from drooling over it every time they came to the city.

“Come on, man, let’s go inside. I need to warm up,” Sebastian said, turning to the billiards hall. Sam jogged to catch up.

“I don’t think I’m that scared of the bike anymore,” Sam said cheerfully. “That was a fun ride.”

Sebastian nodded. “Good. You shouldn’t be. Maybe someday I’ll teach you how to ride it,” he said hopefully. Sam nodded eagerly, his grey eyes bright and shiny. Sebastian couldn’t help the corner of his mouth curling as he smiled at his friend.

“Pizza?” Sam asked as they walked in. Seb pulled out his pack of cigarettes and nodded to his friend before heading to the bar. He ordered two beers and brought them to the corner pool table, his favorite. He could see the whole place from the corner, but it wasn’t completely visible to everyone else. It was perfectly secluded.

Sebastian smoked two cigarettes before he noticed something was up. His first beer was nearly gone, but Sam’s was totally untouched. Where is that fucker, Sebastian thought. His eyes scanned the crowd for a tall, skinny man… damn, he wasn’t wearing that denim jacket. There was no garish collection of patches across the shoulders that Sebastian could pick out of a crowd. There he was- he was facing away. What was he doing?

“Hey, I got us the table in the corner like usual-” Sebastian began, grabbing onto the sleeve of Sam’s dress shirt.

“Yeah, one second, Seb, I’ll be right there,” Sam said nonchalantly. Sebastian gave him a weird look before focusing his attention on Sam’s distraction.

He had a stocky, shorter build than Sam, but really everyone was shorter than Sam. His red hair was slicked into a topknot at the crown of his head, and blue eyes laser focused on Sam. His muscled arms were tattooed from shoulder to wrist in an odd assortment of art styles and emblems. His friend looked similar, if not more hipster than the redhead.

And where the hell did Sam get that drink? Did this guy buy him that drink?

“Someone’s gonna take our table,” Sebastian muttered, retreating back to the table. Whatever, Sam was a friendly guy, he told himself. Sam would make friends with a raincloud if it were possible. He could convert the most antisocial person into his closest pal. Sebastian blew his bangs out of his face before lighting his next cigarette and racking up the pool balls.

“Seb, can Isaiah and Mark play with us? All the other tables are taken, and they’re cool guys,” Sam asked hopefully. Sebastian knew that look. It was the please-please-please-socialize-for-meeeeeee look. Sam had mastered it. Sebastian looked at him sourly before shrugging.

“Awesome! Okay guys, let’s get started, have you guys played before?” Sam asked in his usual bubbly tone.

Hipster #2 shook his head. Hipster #1 grinned at Sam flirtatiously. “Which game are you talking about? I’m good at both.”

Sebastian tried to quiet the groan that escaped his throat. Oh god, seriously? Sam, of course, was oblivious.

“Okay, well, I’m pretty shitty at pool,” Sam laughed. “So Isaiah, let’s be on a team, since you’ve played before, and Mark, Seb’s amazing so he can give you lots of good tips.”

Fucking seriously? Sebastian thought, staring at Sam. Sam was engaged in conversation. He looked like he was having a really good time. Sebastian brushed past him begrudgingly before sitting at the bar. Sam could socialize, but he certainly didn’t have to. He came here to have fun with Sam, not to meet people. Sebastian’s idea of meeting people was swiping left until he found someone who seemed equally uninterested in making a friend and more interested in mutual satisfaction.

The way that guy had talked to Sam left a sour taste in Sebastian’s mouth. He was so fucking precocious. Looked at Sam like he was a piece of meat. Maybe that’s what Sam was into- someone who played games, someone who looked like that. Ripped. Tattooed. Tanned. The opposite of himself, pretty much. The glimmer was fading, drowning in these dark thoughts that soured Sebastian’s mood even more.

“Vodka sprite,” Sebastian muttered to the bartender, who swiftly poured his drink and took his card before vanishing to the other end of the bar. Sebastian pounded the drink and returned to the table.

“Your turn, Seb!” Sam said.

“Stripes or solids?” Sebastian said to- if he remembered correctly- Hipster #1. Mark, he thought. Mark shrugged.

“Sam, are we stripes or solids?” Sebastian said. “SAM.”

“Oh! Sorry! You’re, um…”

“Solids, dipshit,” Isaiah said, poking Sam’s side before resting his hand on Sam’s arm. Sam’s face reddened faster than Robin on the beach in the summertime. The redhead looked mischievously at Sam, obviously pleased with Sam’s reaction. Sebastian rolled his eyes and knocked the one, three, five, and seven in. Mark whooped. Upon looking up, he saw that Sam hadn’t rejected Isaiah. His stomach sank and he wanted to be anywhere but there.

“Be back,” Sebastian said, going back to the bar.

“Another vodka sprite?” The bartender said with a smile. Seb nodded. “You got it, sweetie. Be right back.”

And another. 

And another.

The edges of Sebastian’s vision began to blur. He haphazardly made his way back to the table, tripping over nothing as he did so. Sebastian began to dread how he was going to feel in a few minutes if this was just how a beer and a vodka made him feel. He snagged a piece of pizza off of Sam’s plate and folded it up before eating it in one bite.

“Where have you been?” Sam said.

“Bar.”

“Mark and Isaiah went and got their own table. Said you took too long,” Sam grumbled.

“So what?”

“So I was having a really good time hanging out with them!”

“So go fucking hang out with them,” Sebastian snapped before walking back to the bar. The only seat left open was facing the pool tables. The bartender dropped off another vodka sprite without a word. A lady after his own heart, he thought, as he sipped it heartily. Sebastian grabbed the last cigarette from his pack and looked on as he lit it.

Sam had chosen to go to his new friends’ table. That hurt more than Sebastian cared to admit to himself, and it definitely hurt more than the jealousy. Sam knew better than to try to talk to Sebastian when he was being like this, though, and Sebastian was well aware of that. He realized how stupid it was that he’d tried to get Sam’s attention by driving him away, but he’d already made his choice, and there was no fucking way he was going to roll over. He saw Sam look up at him and quickly stared at the wood grain in the bartop.

It was too late. Sam was coming over, undoubtedly to give Sebastian a piece of his mind. Sebastian didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Sam walked past to the bathroom and Sebastian exhaled shakily. He watched the two men left at the pool tables with narrow eyes. They were gesturing at the bathroom door and talking closely with one another. _What the hell are they up to?_

Isaiah left Mark behind as he headed for the bathroom. He made a point of wiggling his eyebrows at Sebastian as he walked past. Sebastian only stared back with the best “fuck-off” face he could muster.

Sebastian kept sipping at his drink and smoking his cigarette in an uncomfortable silence as he kept running over what just happened in his head. He’d been a complete dick to Sam, true, but Sam knew how much Sebastian disliked changing plans, especially when it meant adding new people into the situation. What Sam didn’t know was that Sebastian _hated_ this guy. Something about him just rubbed Sebastian the wrong way.

That was confirmed when he heard a crash in the bathroom just behind him. Sebastian hopped off his barstool and went to open the door to the men’s room, but it was locked. The hair stood up straight on the back of Sebastian’s neck as his stomach sank and he realized it was just Sam and Isaiah in there. So Sam was testing the waters, seeing if he really was into guys- obviously it was going well. The disappointment stung more than Sebastian wanted it to; he shouldn’t have wanted it to be him that Sam tried things out with-

“NO!” he heard Sam yell from the bathroom.

“Sam?” Seb said, knocking on the bathroom door. He was answered with muffled sounds of a struggle. “Shit, shit shit shit. Fuck…” Sebastian swore to himself as he looked at the bar. It was swamped. There was no way he was getting a key from the bartender, and the manager wasn’t around either. Sebastian could hear his heart beating in his ears. 

Before he could process what he was doing with his own body, he raised a foot and planted it right against the shoddy bathroom door. The wood split under his Vans-clad foot, to his surprise, and he used his shoulder to push it open. Thank god, Sam was still clothed, and pushing hard against the fool Isaiah, who had him pressed against the bathroom wall. Isaiah had a hand on Sam’s jaw as the other hand held him steady on the wall. Sam looked at Sebastian, terrified, his eyes filled with fear and woe.

Sebastian felt his blood boil. Poor Sam, he didn’t deserve this, he was only being friendly. If only he wouldn’t be so naive, if only pieces of shit like this guy wouldn’t… he was touching him so much, and Sam was so upset, Sebastian’s brain just flipped the switch and he couldn’t help it. He cocked his left arm back and swung it forward as hard as he could.

Sebastian swore as his knuckles made contact with Isaiah’s cheekbone. He felt the bones of the other man’s cheek and his own knuckle crack under the force of the punch. Isaiah went down cold as Sebastian shook his hand and watched as his own blood flecked the floor in front of him.

“Motherfucker,” Sebastian muttered.

Sam’s collar was all fucked up, and his shirt was missing a button, but other than that he looked like he made it out relatively unscathed. Physically, at least. Sebastian watched as his friend crumpled to the floor next to his unconscious attacker and held his head in his hands as tears began streaming down his face.

“I was just washing my hands and he came in here and I don’t know what happened,” Sam cried.

Sebastian crouched down next to him and sat with his knees folded under him. Sam was shaking. Sebastian wasn’t an expert at comforting- comforting was not a word that Sebastian would use to describe himself- but he tried to bring Sam back to reality as he put his hands on his shoulders.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, massaging Sam’s shoulders with his thumbs.

Sam nodded. Sam coughed as he sobbed, and then shook his head. One of Sebastian’s hands traveled to Sam’s face and he wiped away the tears with the cuff of his shirt.

“Hey,” Sebastian said. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s all good. It’s all good.”

Sam leaned forward and into Sebastian’s chest as he clung desperately to him. Sebastian, resting his chin on Sam’s head, stroked his hair gently. Never did he ever expect that the first time he would be holding Sam in his arms like this would be with a fist covered in blood and an unconscious man on the floor next to them, but he could care less so long as Sam was okay. Sam breathed deeply as his breathing began to return to normal and the sobbing was reduced to a mere hiccup.

“I’ve got you Sam, it’s okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really nervous about posting this chapter (it kind of triggered me just writing it as a victim of sexual assault), but it's important to the story. And I hope you don't hate me for it. Yeah okay. Here's my anxiety shining through! yay!
> 
> anyways, leave a comment, be it angry or reassuring, and I hope to see you next week for the next chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no self-control. Only love for my boys and a strong desire to procrastinate.

“I’m so glad you were there, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for being so pushy-” Sam sobbed. 

“Stop, don’t be sorry,” Sebastian said as he stroked Sam’s hair and tried to avoid looking at the man who was still passed out on the floor next to them. “You didn’t know, you’re not a psychic, you couldn’t have seen this coming.” 

“B-but if you hadn’t been there-” 

“But I was there. I was there, Sammy,” Sebastian whispered. “I’m so glad I was.” 

“We can’t come back here again,” Sam croaked. “You kicked a hole in a d-door and punched that guy in the face!” 

“I don’t give a shit about this place,” Sebastian said. “Speaking of that, though, we should probably get out of here before one of the bartenders needs to use the bathroom.” 

Sam nodded. Sebastian stood up and helped him to his feet. Goddamn, he thought to himself as he surveyed the situation. The door swung on its hinges. Part of it was still stuck to the doorjamb where the lock held it shut. There was a very obvious shoe-shaped concave on it. The handle had punched a hole in the wall where it made contact. Isaiah was still out. Sebastian poked him with the toe of his sneaker. Nope. Out like a light, thankfully. Sebastian’s knuckles were throbbing, and blood oozed from the swollen knuckle as he bent it. 

“Seb, your hand is super fucked up,” Sam croaked. 

“No big,” Sebastian lied. It felt like it had been slammed in a car door a few times. He washed it quickly in the sink, his blood tingeing the soapy water a bright, salmon pink. Sebastian looked up in the mirror to see Sam looking on fearfully. 

“Should I call the cops?” Sebastian asked. 

“No, I just wanna get out of here. You’re not good to ride though…” 

“There’s a hotel down the street, we’ll stay here.” Sebastian said as he dried his hands. “I got a bonus last week, so we’re good.” 

Sam nodded, clutching himself in his arms. It was heartbreaking to see Sam like that. His happy, shiny self was marred. Sebastian hoped it wasn’t for forever. Sebastian needed Sam’s positivity in his life. They’d find a way to get it back, it would just take time, he thought. Sam grabbed Sebastian’s hand as they left the bathroom. Sebastian squeezed it tight as they left the bathroom. 

____________________________________________________________________________

As it turned out, there was a massive gridball tournament in town. Most of the hotels in the city were booked solid for the weekend. Luckily, the hotel down the street had one room left. Sebastian held the door open for Sam as they entered the pristine lobby. Examining the crystal chandelier hanging delicately from the ceiling, Sebastian quietly hoped to himself that he could afford this place. Thinking of trying to ride the bike home made his stomach churn up all the vodka he’d ingested that night. The adrenaline of the incident was quickly wearing off, making Sebastian realize just how drunk he really was. 

“Welcome to the Holton,” the receptionist said cheerfully. “Do you have a reservation?” 

Sebastian shook his head. “Got any rooms?” 

The receptionist knitted her eyebrows in concentration as she took a moment to look at her computer. Her lips pursed. Her foot tapped. If Sebastian hadn’t desperately needed that hotel room, he probably would’ve told her to chill out, but he bit his tongue. 

“Yes. We have a single queen room available,” She said. “Card please?” 

Sebastian fished his credit card out of his wallet while Sam stood close behind him. He could feel Sam’s fingers closed around the loose fabric of his dress shirt. _Accepted, accepted, accepted, just fucking say accepted, please!_

“Great,” the receptionist said as she handed Sebastian his card back. “You’re on the top floor, 9122. Elevator’s down the hall. Here are your room keys. Enjoy your stay, gentlemen.” 

“Thank you,” Sam said, his voice hoarse. 

“Thanks,” Sebastian murmured, walking calmly to the elevator. Sam was stuck to him like Velcro. Sebastian wished he could be happy about that, but the causation didn’t allow for such happiness. He wished he’d brought a joint. That would’ve calmed Sam right down. They stepped into the elevator and Sam broke down for a second time, his shoulders trembling as he shook his head at himself. 

“I’m a fucking disaster,” Sam muttered. 

“Given the circumstances, I think it’s okay to be a little messed up.” 

Sam bit his lip as his body seemed to retreat inward. Shoulder pulled forward, back hunched, hands gripping elbows. It was as if he was trying to hold himself together, like he might fall apart if he didn’t. Sebastian merely watched out of the corner of his eye. The elevator dinged and Sebastian stepped out, with a quiet Sam following behind. Their room was quaint, with just the basics. 

“You take the bed,” Sebastian said as he grabbed an extra pillow from it. “I’ll take the couch.” 

Sebastian sat on the couch as he massaged his knuckles. They were turning a delicate shade of lavender, mixed with a heinous shade of yellow. It was already stinging to the touch. Thankfully, the place where the skin tore had already scabbed over. It looked like the hand of a horror movie murder victim. Sebastian casually tucked it in his pocket, where it began to throb painfully. Last thing Sam needed was another thing to start blaming himself for, Sebastian thought. 

Sam had already peeled off his shirt and jeans and crawled into the bed. Rather than close his eyes and try to rest, he just stared dully at the blank TV screen across the room. Sebastian stood up and turned out the light before stripping off his clothes and curling up on the couch. He prodded at his hand, feeling the swollen knuckles, and tried to close his eyes. The room spun as he did. 

“Seb?” 

“What’s up.” 

“...Come over here? I don’t care if we share the bed.” Sam whispered. “I just, I don’t- I don’t wanna be alone right now.” 

Sebastian took a deep breath before getting off the couch and slipping between the sheets of the queen sized bed. Rolling on his side to face Sam, he could barely see his face in the gentle light slipping under the door from the hallway. He looked tired, unbelievably tired. At least he’d stopped trembling, Sebastian thought, trying to find a positive. 

“Better now?” 

Sam nodded weakly as he stared at Sebastian. 

“Am I stupid or something? Sam asked. “How did I not see that that guy was a literal psychopath?” 

“You’re a trusting guy, Sam, and most people deserve it,” Sebastian said. “He didn’t but there’s no way you could’ve known that from the two hours you spent with the guy.” 

Sam sighed. “I just feel like a fucking idiot.” 

“It’s not your fault. Hear me?” Sebastian reprimanded. “Not your fault.” 

“Not my fault,” Sam whispered. 

“Yes.” Sebastian said. He felt a hand reach out under the blankets and gently lay over his. 

“Thank you so much, Seb. You fucking saved me from…” 

“Shh,” Sebastian whispered. He turned his hand palm up and grabbed Sam’s. He thought maybe Sam might pull away, but instead, he intertwined his fingers with Sebastian’s tightly. He could hear Sam’s breath rattling as he let his breath out slowly. Was he waiting for Sebastian to let go? Sebastian didn’t know if he could. If this is what Sam needed, then Sebastian would do it for him. 

He fell asleep wondering who would let go first. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Sam woke up the next morning after a deep sleep. He hadn’t expected to sleep at all that night. After the previous day’s events, he thought that maybe that fear would rattle all the sleep out of him. It certainly had felt that way last night. Having any sleep to wake up at all was a surprise. 

Not as surprising as waking up curled around Sebastian. He was holding his best friend in his arms, with his back against Sam’s stomach. Not that Sebastian seemed to mind, of course. He was still sleeping soundly. Delicate little snores slipped through his lips as he dreamed. Sam was close enough that when he leaned over, he could see Sebastian’s eyes twitching under their lids. 

He laid back down quickly. Here he was, spooning with Sebastian. What the fuck was to make of this? He guessed it was pretty simple. Sam had been assaulted last night in the bathroom. Sebastian burst in, to his rescue, and knocked his assailant the fuck out. Continuing to be his knight in shining armor, he took Sam to a hotel and held his hand until he fell asleep. 

If that wasn’t the kindest thing someone had ever done for Sam, he didn’t know what was. Grateful didn’t begin to describe how Sam felt. Isaiah had been so much bigger, so much stronger than he was. The alcohol Isaiah had been feeding him all night hadn’t helped either. He wasn’t putting up much of a fight when Sebastian had burst in. 

Thank goodness Sebastian had done that. Sam began to panic yet again when he started thinking about what would have happened if Sebastian stayed at the bar instead of checking up on the sounds of struggle in the bathroom. Fighting someone, yet alone kicking a damn door down, was definitely out of character for Sebastian. The quiet, moody man was so angry when he burst in. So passionate. It was like seeing a whole new side of him. 

The man in question began to stir and Sam froze. What was he supposed to say? ‘Hey bud, hope you don’t mind that I spooned you all night’? ‘Wanna take a turn being the big spoon’? Sam was pretty sure he wouldn’t mind if Sebastian wanted to take a shot at that, but better safe than sorry and not say anything. Sam closed his eyes and tried his best to look asleep. _Fucking chicken_ , he thought to himself. 

“Mmmmm,” Sebastian groaned as he started to wake up. He stretched almost comically before rolling over to face Sam. Sam felt Sebastian’s fingertips trace over his jaw and neck; he immediately wondered if Isaiah had left a bruise when he’d grabbed him and slammed him against the bathroom wall. Sebastian’s hand moved to caress Sam’s cheek, where it rested there for a brief moment before Sebastian got out of bed. The room door clicked shut quietly and Sam’s eyes snapped open. 

Sam jumped out of bed and hustled to the bathroom. He was right. The left side of his neck was tinged in a blushy purple, while the right side had a distinct oval that was a deep purple. Sam touched it and remembered how Isaiah’s thumb had pressed against his trachea while his other hand had fussed with Sam’s clothing. He closed his eyes and tried to force the toxic memory from his brain. Opening his eyes, he pressed the palm of his hand gently to the spot on his cheek where Sebastian had caressed his face, his cheeks blushing the faintest of pinks as he did so. 

He’d never been touched so delicately before in his whole life. Such tenderness had emanated from that touch. It had been so brief, too; Sam wished it had lasted just a bit longer. He wanted to feel such care long enough so the memory of it wasn’t so fleeting. 

Sam grabbed his phone and went back to bed, immediately searching ‘how to get rid of bruises quickly’. Massaging apparently did the trick. He sat on the bed cross-legged, facing the wall-length mirror, and starting rubbing his neck, wincing as he did so. The bruise was very tender, and it made him even angrier that it even existed in the first place. Sam firmly believed it was his stupid self that made all that trouble for him and Sebastian. 

“You’re awake,” Sebastian said, closing the door behind him. He held a small plastic grocery sack in one hand, with a paper bag tucked under the arm. “I got stuff.” 

“What did you get?” Sam said, crawling under the blankets, trying to cover himself. He suddenly felt very aware of his semi-nakedness. Sebastian was fully dressed and Sam hadn’t even bothered to put on pants before he got back. 

Sebastian dumped the contents on the bed. There was a pack of cigarettes, of course, some doughnuts (maple bars, Sam’s favorite), two bottles of iced coffee, and a small bottle of pale, peach liquid. Sebastian was busy fussing over the receipt while Sam examined the small bottle. 

“What is this, Seb?” 

“Concealer.” 

“What’s it for?” 

“Covers up blemishes and stuff. I figured you might want…” Sebastian said, gesturing at his own neck. 

“Oh,” Sam said, his voice falling. That’s right. “Thanks.” 

“Listen, if you don’t want it, I can give it to Abigail, you guys have pretty similar skin tones,” he said hurriedly. 

“No, um, thanks. I didn’t want to see the bruise anyways,” Sam said quietly. 

“Maple bars?” Sebastian said, holding them up as if they were a consolation prize. Sam smiled at him and took the bag eagerly. He was starving. Sebastian grabbed his pack of cigarettes and stepped out onto the balcony. 

Sam watched as Sebastian leaned over the railing, lit his cigarette, and stared out into space. He almost got up and joined him- but for what? To thank him again? That would annoy him. Sebastian hated that kind of attention. To talk about… what? How he’d touched Sam in a way that left him aching for more? He didn’t even know how he’d bring that up without opening a whole can of worms. Sebastian looked over his shoulder at Sam, who looked like he’d seen a ghost. Sebastian beckoned him outside with a hand. 

“What?” Sam said, pulling on his jeans as he stepped outside. 

“This place is so busy,” Sebastian said, looking out at the skyline. 

“Did you actually want to talk? It’s not eleven yet,” Sam said, “Are you feeling okay?” 

Sebastian gave him an icy look. “You know, I’ve always wanted to move here." 

“Yeah dude, you talk about it all the time.” 

Sebastian took a long drag from his cigarette. “I don’t think I want to anymore.” 

“Because of last night?” Sam asked. 

“People here are fucked up.” 

“Yeah…” Sam said, leaning against the railing. “I wouldn’t say I disagree with you.” 

“I know I act like I hate where we live… but I don’t think it’s where we live that I hate. I think… I think it’s me. I think I just hate myself.” 

Sam took the pack of cigarettes from Sebastian’s hand and took one out. Sebastian held out the lighter and lit the end for him. “Do you feel that way all the time?” Sam asked. 

“More than I’d like to admit.” 

Sam sighed. He’d always known that Sebastian suffered from depression, but Sebastian had never openly admitted to hating himself. It broke his heart a little to know that Sebastian felt that way when just last night he was busy proving he was so much better than everyone Sam knew. 

“I know, I know,” Sebastian said, reading Sam’s sigh. He was good at that. 

“Just know that no one hates you but yourself,” Sam said, bumping Sebastian with your elbow. “And you don’t suck, and you’re just figuring shit out. That can take some time.” 

Sebastian stared down at the cars in the street, bustling through their daily routine. The traffic in Zuzu was insane. Sam didn’t envy the people who lived here at all. He loved Pelican Town and its quiet, friendly people. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Sebastian said, putting out his cigarette on the railing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I removed the end-chapter count for this one (I don't really know how long this one's gonna last and honestly it was silly to determine the number of chapters for a character-driven story AT THE FUCKING BEGINNING). /shrug/ This is NOT me saying it's going to end soon at all by any means, these boys have got a ways to go <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I updating too often? I'm updating too often. But I'm just having so much fun writing this right now.
> 
> Song belongs to Taking Back Sunday. It's titled "Like You Do".
> 
> here's the link (the acoustic version wasn't cleaned up digitally, FYI): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_KozYlz42g

**Hey**

**You busy**

Sebastian flopped over in bed and groaned. The one day, the one goddamn day he decided to take a nap is the first day in weeks that Abigail texts him. Of course. Murphy’s law, or something, he told himself. 

**Not anymore  
**

**What you want**

**Sams being weird  
**

**Sam is always weird  
**

**I mean like i think somethings wrong with him  
**

**IDK**

Had Sam not told her what happened? He probably didn’t want to talk about it, but he at least thought that he would share with Abigail. Was she already that separated from the threesome they’d always had? Sebastian wondered if it was just a matter of time before the three of them grew apart, like most people did as they got older, met their other halves, and did adult things. He did adult things, of course, he reassured himself. Meeting the other half was proving to be the hard part.

His mind flickered to Sam. 

**Text him see what’s up. Sam always tells you stuff.**

**K**

Sebastian had been up late working on an assignment for a new client. He loved getting new clients- it meant more business, and more money- but it was always a pain trying to clean up the messy code most of them brought to him. He was more of a repairman than a creative when it came to code. He was very good at picking out itty bitty mistakes or solving a bug to make it more of a feature.

His definition of late was more like not going to bed at all. By the time he’d finished editing, rewriting the software, running the program to make sure it was all smoothed out, and sending it off to the client, the sun was already creeping up over the horizon. This wasn’t totally abnormal, but as soon as he saw sunlight, he was going to be awake for the day… he knew he should’ve checked the time before going out for that one last cigarette. 

**Hey Sam**

No response. Weird. Sam usually texted him back within the minute. He dicked around on Readit and looked at a few new illustrations by his favorite artist before checking his phone again. Still no response.

**Are you dead  
**

**If you leave me here to deal with Abigail’s wedding bullshit I’m gonna be so pissed when we meet up in the afterlife**

**SAM**

Sebastian frowned at his phone. It wasn’t like Sam to blow him off. He was probably at the beach and forgot his phone, he thought, as he checked the time. 8 PM. He would definitely be at the beach, probably dicking around collecting shells with Vincent. They always did that in the summer evenings.

He stuffed a pack of cigarettes in his pocket along with their ancient lighter and a joint. Sebastian disliked the beach during the summer, especially during the day, but when the sun went down and that chilly ocean breeze blew against his face after smoking a joint… that was one of the best parts about living so close to the ocean. 

“Where you going?” Demetrius asked as he fiddled with some weird contraption at the dinner table. 

“Out.” 

“Out where?” 

“Out.” 

Demetrius gave him the eye as Sebastian quickly closed the door behind him. He wasn’t in the mood for nosiness, especially from his step-father. They didn’t get along, case closed. There was a time when Sebastian was younger that they had a pseudo-relationship, but as soon as Maru was born, that went out the window. It took years for Sebastian to get over it and make a relationship with Maru- it wasn’t her fault her dad was a dick- but that didn’t mean he had to forgive Demetrius, and honestly, he didn’t think he could. 

Sebastian walked to the beach briskly. He was really hoping he would find Sam there. It worried him as he wondered what that goofy blonde was up to. Maybe his dad had found time to go fishing, found the tackle box, and went apeshit on Sam. Like Sam needed that, Sebastian thought, as his stomach twisted into knots. Kent had had anger issues before his deployment and Sebastian didn’t want to think about how extreme they might have gotten after seeing combat. 

All of the lights were on in the Hansen household, save for Sam’s room. Sebastian didn’t even bother to go in- if Sam wasn’t in his room, he wasn’t there at all. The two knew each others’ routines by memory, and it wasn’t like either one to deviate. 

The water was quiet at the beach today, and the sky was a brilliant cascade of warm colors as the sun began to dip below the horizon. It reminded Sebastian of Sam’s favorite yellow shirt that he wore sometimes. Sebastian would have given Sam a hard time about all the holes in it if Sebastian himself didn’t wear the same hoodie almost every single day, even in the summer. 

Sam was sitting in the sand across the bridge from Elliott’s old cabin with his acoustic guitar and a notebook. Sam always sucked his lower lip while he played; Sebastian couldn’t remember a time in his life when Sam didn’t do that. He could hear him humming quietly to himself as he played, occasionally pausing to scratch something down- probably lyrics or something, Sebastian thought. 

“Hey- oh, shit,” Sebastian swore as he stumbled and sank ankle-deep in a tide pool. Tiny crabs scuttled away from his old, now soaked, shoe. Sebastian grumbled as he pulled off the soaking wet shoe and equally wet sock. 

“Hey!” Sam said cheerfully. 

“Hey, I texted you,” Sebastian complained as he wrung the seawater out of his sock. 

“Sorry, I forgot my phone, kind of in the zone here.” Sam said. 

“That’s cool. I won’t bother you. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead,” Sebastian joked before grabbing his shoes. Walking home barefoot was going to be fun, he thought grumpily. 

“What are you talking about??” Sam laughed. “You can’t bother me. Sit. It’s so nice out here tonight.” 

“What are you doing out here?” Sebastian asked. 

“My dad was complaining about the noise,” Sam said absentmindedly as he leaned over to flip a page in hit notebook. It was already covered in sand. Not a surprise- not only was Sam forgetful, he was a little messy. Sebastian always had to help him clean his room to Jodi’s high expectations. “So I came out here to kind of get away.” 

“Hmm,” Sebastian murmured in agreement. It was a nice night to get away. He kind of wished he’d thought of this himself. Would’ve packed some cards, maybe the bong and some snacks- made a real picnic out of it. Sam would’ve loved that. 

“Want some?” Sebastian said as he pulled the joint out of his pocket and held it up to Sam. 

“Maybe when I’m done,” Sam said as he strummed a few chords on his guitar. 

“Damn, are you actually focusing on something for once?” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “It’s a new song. I’ve been working on it for a few days and it’s finally done.” 

“Cool. What’s it about?” 

“Well, um,” Sam began, before muttering incoherently. 

“Huh?” 

“It’s just a song, no significance,” Sam mumbled. 

“Let’s hear it,” Sebastian said with a smile. He’d finally settled in the sand sitting across from Sam. Sam’s face was screwed up in an odd expression. “What, you don’t want me to hear it?” 

“No, I do. Just, uh, give me a minute.” 

Sam cleared his throat awkwardly as he turned a page in his notebook. There were scrawlings of notes and chords on one page, with words on the other. He took a long time just looking at the pages before even touching his guitar. Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Dude, it’s just me. You’re not singing at Zuzu Pavilion or something,” Sebastian teased. 

Sam nodded. 

“What’s up with you?” 

“This song, it just, it means a lot to me, okay?” 

“You said it was just a song!” 

“Just... shut up and let me sing.” 

Sebastian smiled at Sam bemusedly. He was embarrassed, and it was obviously because of him. Sebastian leaned back on his hands as he quietly admired his friend. It was kind of cute. Sam looked finally ready and began strumming his guitar. 

It was very quiet at first. Sebastian could barely hear it over the gentle tide coming in and out. After the first few chords passed with no error, Sam seemed to ease into his music a little and distract himself. The music was sweet and melancholy, unlike his normal sound, which was rough and spunky. 

“It came as a surprise

Whistles and bells 

And although I was not asking, 

You offered up your help. 

I ain’t ever gonna find another one, 

I ain’t ever gonna find another one, 

That does me like you do, 

Like you did, 

Like you’ve done,”

Sam’s voice rang loud and clear as he stared off at the ocean and played. He was nervous; Sebastian could tell by the waver to his voice that wasn’t normally present when they had band practice. Sam looked at Sebastian and his voice broke. Sebastian quickly looked away at the sunset rippling across the surface of the Gem Sea, its reddened tones sparkling like rubies atop the crystal clear water. 

He couldn’t help but look at Sam out the corner of his eye though. A soft smile grew over Sam’s face as he slipped into the zone, that sweet spot where Sam was completely absorbed by his music and the rest of the world seemed to fade away to nothing. It was so nice to see him happy again, like the same old Sam that was a bright spot Sebastian’s cloudy world. The evening light caught his face, illuminating it in a touch of peachy red tones that seemed to match the pink of Sam’s cheeks. 

Fuck, he was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. 

When Sam caught Sebastian looking at him again once more, all he could do was smile and close his eyes as the last repeat of the chorus came. Sebastian took it as an invitation to watch the way Sam’s fingers played the strings so effortlessly and the way his lip pouted as he sang. He never noticed before that Sam played with his left hand instead of his right, even though he wrote with his right. Of course he’d do that, he thought with a grin. 

“So…” Sam said, trailing off. 

Sebastian smiled at him. Sam looked him, anticipation painted on his face. 

“I liked it,” Sebastian said. 

“Yeah?” Sam said excitedly. 

“Yeah. I really liked it. That’s a good one,” Sebastian reassured. He fucking loved it, he thought. Something about that song… it felt like it was just for him. He wanted it to be for himself, like Sam was thinking of him the same way Sebastian had been thinking of Sam lately. As maybe, somehow, more than just his best friend. However that worked, Sebastian said, laughing quietly at himself. 

“What?” Sam asked nervously. 

“Oh, uh, no, it’s just me, don’t worry,” Sebastian said with a smile. He laid down in the sand and pulled the joint out of his pocket. Sam set his guitar to the side and laid down next to him. The moon had faded in and the stars were coming out. Sebastian lit the joint and held it out to Sam, who took it eagerly. 

“...So you really did like it.” 

“Oh my god. You’re fucking ridiculous,” Sebastian laughed. “You said it’s just some song you wrote but you really seem to care about it.” 

“I do!” Sam argued. “I… ughhh.” 

Maybe it was the pot, but Sebastian couldn’t stop giggling. Sam was so flustered, and for someone who was cool and level-headed, it was hilarious to see him acting otherwise. Sebastian felt giddy knowing he was in his head. 

“Asshole,” Sam muttered. 

“You know it.” 

Sebastian wanted to badly to just reach out and touch him. Feel the soft skin of his cheek under his fingers, or the gel in his hair. Something, anything, to reassure him and make it feel like it wasn’t totally crazy to feel this way about his best friend. Like if he left, Sebastian’s little world would crumble apart. 

The anxiety of the whole act seemed to swallow him up, though. What if he did something stupid? What if Sam freaked out and it made everything weird? They’d stop being such good friends, if they even continued being friends at all. Even the thought of it made Sebastian’s throat close up and his heart nearly jump out of his chest. He hated that this sickening feeling was his master right now. Absolutely hated it. 

“Sam,” Sebastian said shakily. 

“Yeah?” 

“...I really did like it.” 

It was all he could do to just whisper to his friend under his breath. Sebastian closed his eyes and kicked himself. As if there wasn’t a better moment than this one with its fantastic sunset, this amazing joint, and Sam’s sweet singing. If only he were braver. If only he were more confident. He cautiously looked over to see Sam with his arms behind his head, staring up at the stars. 

“I get this feeling sometimes,” Sam said, “like things aren’t always like they seem.” 

“So poetic,” Sebastian snickered and then mentally kicked himself. The way to the man’s heart surely would not be through harassing all the meaningful things he said. Sebastian’s default defense mechanism was humor. 

“You’re the worst sometimes, you know that?” Sam groaned. “You never wanna just shoot the shit and talk, it’s always gotta be a joke.” 

Sebastian frowned. “You’re right… Sorry.” 

“Do you ever feel that way?” 

“What do you mean?” Sebastian probed. It felt like he’d swallowed a golf ball- if Sam could be talking about what Sebastian hoped he was talking about- but that would mean he felt something growing there, too? The tiny glimmer was shining ever brighter and it was terrifying how much Sebastian felt himself being drawn to it. 

“Like, do you remember in the closet when-” 

“Guys! I’ve been looking all over for you!” 

Sebastian snapped up to a seated position to find Abigail and Jonathan walking across the narrow wooden bridge. He felt like he was going to explode. Fucking Abigail and Jonathan, of course it wasn’t their fault that they’d crashed the moment, but still. He couldn’t help the groan that escaped his throat. He’d been stupid to think that Sam would feel the same way, anyways. He was just a deadbeat that lived with his mom and hid in his basement all day. Sam deserved better. 

“I’ve gotta go. Work and stuff.” Sebastian muttered as he grabbed his shoes and stood up. 

“Oh,” Sam said dejectedly. 

“Bye Sebby! See you later,” Abigail said before giving him a hug. 

Sebastian shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket and shuffled barefoot through the sand and into town. He’d almost made it to Gus’ before stepping on a loose stone. Wincing with pain, he limped over to the bench in front of the Saloon and flopped onto it. He swore quietly as he massaged the sore spot on the bottom of his foot. 

“Hi.” 

It was Sam. He was hustling up the path from the beach with his guitar slung over his shoulders, the notebook in one hand, and his shoes in the other. He carefully watched his footing as he approached Sebastian. Sebastian looked up at him before refocusing his energy and attention on the throbbing spot on the ball of his foot. 

“What’s up?” Sam said, standing in front of Sebastian. Sebastian shrugged. 

“You were just talking to me a minute ago and now you’re giving me the silent treatment,” Sam said pointedly. 

Sebastian groaned. “I just… I suck at talking, okay? You know that. I’m not good at expressing my feelings, or whatever.” 

“I know.” Sam said quietly. 

“I’m getting all geared up to actually talk to you, because I know you wanna talk, and then they fucking show up.” 

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, great timing, right?” 

Sebastian nodded with a huff as slipped his shoes on over his bare feet and wedged his socks into his back pocket before standing up. He looked up at Sam, who was patiently waiting for Sebastian, as always. He was always waiting for Sebastian, whether it was waiting for him to wake up, to speak… to grow a pair. 

“You going home?” Sam asked. 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“Can I come with? My dad’s kind of being a dick,” Sam said, rolling his eyes before flashing a brilliant smile at Sebastian. It made his insides flutter around. 

“Sure,” Sebastian said before turning to walk back home. Sam dropped his shoes and stepped into them lazily before joining Sebastian at his side. Their hands hung loosely at their sides. Sam’s brushed against Sebastian’s, and while it brought that 

fluttering feeling back to his guts, he figured it was an accident. 

Until it happened again, and again. 

_Do it, fucking do it. Just do it. Do. It._

Sebastian held his breath as he turned he palm outward to catch Sam’s. It was a little awkward. Sam was much taller than him. Nevertheless, when his fingertips made contact with Sebastian’s palm, Sam tentatively took Sebastian’s hand in his. It was warm and dry compared to Sebastian’s clammy, cold hand. Oh god, it was so good, but this was so embarrassing, it had been the first time Sebastian had reached out instead of Sam and here he was with the sweatiest palms in the world… he tried to pull away but Sam’s fingers had already interlocked with Sebastian’s and he was holding it firmly. 

Sebastian tried to glance up at Sam casually. His cheeks were flushed and he was grinning furiously. Sebastian quickly looked down at the ground, but there they were, their hands interlocked. Could other people see? It was late in the evening, thank goodness. Most of the town had already turned in. All of the thoughts and worries in Sebastian’s head felt like people crammed in a subway car. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. 

“You good?” Sam asked shyly. His grip loosened on Sebastian’s hand like he was about to slip away. _Please don’t, don’t let go, I don’t know how to say it, but-_

“Don’t,” Sebastian muttered, tightly gripping Sam’s hand before looking at him nervously. 

Sam smiled his beautiful smile once more before gripping Sebastian’s hand back tightly.


	9. Chapter 9

“Happy birthday!” 

“Oh god, what time is it?” 

“I dunno.” 

Sam rolled over and checked the alarm clock by his bedside. 9 AM. It wasn’t so bad, he supposed. Or rather, it wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d actually gotten sleep last night. Vincent was standing over his bed, holding a piece of paper. 

“I drew you a picture!” 

“What is it?” Sam said as he rubbed his eyes. He held it up over his head. It was a drawing of Vincent and Sam on the beach. The only reason why Sam knew it was the beach was because of the crudely drawn seashells all over the brown squiggles that must have been sand. He cracked a smile. 

“I love this, little dude. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome! I’m gonna make more today. You’re gonna have a million before you’re done!” 

“Thanks,” Sam said with a yawn. “Can I go back to sleep now?” 

“No, mommy made breakfast. Breakfast pizza. Your favorite. She said she’d let daddy eat it all if you didn’t get up.” 

“I’ll be right there,” he muttered. Vincent left the room quickly. (‘Mommy, Sam liked my drawing and he said he’ll be right there!’) Sam covered his face and laid in bed. He was twenty five- that was hard to believe. It felt like just yesterday he was graduating from high school with Sebastian and Abigail. Now he was here, seven years later… in the same room, with the same job, doing the same old shit. It was hard not to feel down about that. Positivity, he told himself. Positivity could get you anywhere in life. Someone had told him that years ago, and even today, he still believed in it. 

“Happy birthday, sweetie. Twenty five!” Jodi said as she set a breakfast pizza in front of him. It had a candle stuck in it. “I can’t believe it.” 

“Me either.” 

“Quarter of a century is a big deal,” Kent said with a smile. “I was twenty five when I met your mother.” 

Sam stared at his pizza as he listened to his mother and father whisk themselves away on a cloud of nostalgia. His dad had this big expectation of him, and he had no earthly idea how to let him down. There was no easy way to tell his dad he was gay. He knew for a fact that his dad was very old-fashioned. He had no idea how he’d react to Sam breaking that kind of news. Thankfully, there was someone he could tell him about to test the waters. 

“Oh hey, I saw Penny yesterday.” Sam said as he stuffed a piece of pizza in his mouth. 

“Sweet girl, I love her. How are she and Maru?” Jodi asked. Sam knew she’d bite, he just knew it. Jodi was one of those love-is-love people, and he appreciated her more for it now than he ever had. 

“They’re good.” 

“Why would they not be?” Kent asked. 

“Dad, they’re dating.” Sam asked. 

Kent frowned. “Not for long.” 

“Huh?” 

“It’s a phase. This gayness or whatever, it’s silly. Anyone who thinks it’s gonna last is stupid. They’re just experimenting. Sooner or later they’ll realize how disgusting it is and find themselves a few nice men.” 

“Kent. That’s so old-fashioned,” Jodi said with a frown. “Do you really think that?” 

Kent shrugged. “Do you really think that two women can build the same kind of trust and family that a man and a woman can? Or two men?” 

“I- I’m late for work. I have to go,” Sam said quickly. 

“But your breakfast, Sammy!” 

“Can you wrap it up for me? Thanks mom.” 

_Happy birthday to me._

______________________________________________________________________________

The floors of Jojamart never really seemed to be clean. There was always a thin layer of sticky that seemed to coat the entire floor. Sam’s job, day in and day out, was to stock the frozen foods and then mop the floor. His knuckles were still blueish from the cold of the freezers as he grabbed the mop from the back and made his way to the aisles. 

He popped his headphones into his ears. At least Morris didn’t care if he listened to music while he worked. In fact, Morris didn’t really know that Sam listened to music while he worked. Sam never really slipped up, so Morris never really talked to him, which meant that he never saw him. 

What he didn’t see wouldn’t hurt him, right? 

Wrong. 

“Samuel, come here,” Morris called from down the aisle before Sam had the chance to tuck his earbuds into his shirt. Sam hustled down the aisle to Morris’ desk. He was sitting there with a sour look on his face. The store had been empty for weeks since the community center had been restored. Of course, Sam had noticed, but he chose not to say anything. He didn’t want to think about his employer shutting its doors and his only income disappearing. Like he needed an excuse to live at home for the 25th year in a row. 

“What’s up, Morris?” 

Morris sighed. 

“You’re fired.” 

“What did I do?!” Sam exclaimed. 

“Nothing. You did nothing. No one’s come through those doors in weeks. Joja is closing the Pelican Town branch. Trucks are coming to pick up our inventory tomorrow.” 

“But what about me and Shane?! Don’t we get severance or something?” 

“Shane does. You don’t. You’re part time.” 

Sam groaned. 

“Just go. You don’t need to mop the floors.” Morris said as he took Sam’s Joja hat off. All Sam could do was nod. It felt like he wasn’t fully present as he walked into the backroom, changed out of his uniform, and walked out of Jojamart. It was almost surreal. 

He just got fired. His dad didn’t agree with yet another facet of himself. Now, to top it all off, Sam had to go home and face him. He just didn’t have the heart to do it. Screw positivity, Sam thought. There was no way to be positive in all of this. 

“Hey!” Abigail called. She, Penny, Maru, and Sebastian were sitting on the bumper of the old truck parked outside of Jojamart. Abigail was holding a few bottles in paper bags and Sebastian had a suspicious looking bag. They looked loaded up and ready to go. 

“We were just about to spring you,” Maru said, “but it looks like Morris did that already. Did that heartless man actually let you go early on your birthday?” 

“In a way,” Sam muttered. “I was fired.” 

“Shit,” Abigail muttered under her breath. “Happy birthday, huh?” 

“Happy birthday to me,” Sam muttered. “I don’t know if I wanna do anything, guys.” 

“Too late, we already planned all this stupid shit and now we’re gonna do it,” Abigail said. “Let’s go.” 

Abigail took him by the elbow and dragged him toward the beach. Jonathan was busy pouring lighter fluid on a massive stack of driftwood. There were a few blankets scattered around it, and a cooler, but not much more. 

“You said you had all this stupid shit planned,” Sam muttered. “This doesn’t look like stupid shit.” 

“Sebastian pointed out that you’d probably be tired from work, so he said we should just do a little thing instead of the big party I was planning,” Abigail said with a smile. 

Sam looked over his shoulder at Sebastian, who shrugged. Of course Sebastian would do that. He knew how Jojamart seemed to suck the life out of Sam every time he walked through that doors. If it had been up to Sebastian, he probably would’ve penciled in a nap before partying, but he’d done enough just by fending off Abigail’s fervor. 

“Thank you,” Sam whispered. 

“You got it.” Sebastian murmured back with a smile. 

“Let’s drink!” Abigail said happily as she opened the cooler and passed beers around. 

The party was surprisingly perfect. Maru and Jonathan had made skewers to cook over the bonfire, which were delicious. Abigail had brought several decks of cards and they spent most of the night playing silly drinking games and egyptian ratscrew. Sam was deeply grateful for his group of friends. They always seemed to step up at the right time. While Sam had been moping around most of the day, it was hard to be down in the dumps when surrounded by his favorite people. 

Abigail and Maru were busy trying to light Sam’s cake without matches when Sam found a moment to slip away. Penny was sitting on the docks, dangling her feet in the water and holding a beer by the neck as she looked into the ocean’s depths. She always looked so graceful and serene, despite her hardships. Her level headedness was something Sam had always envied. 

“Hey,” Sam said, sitting next to her on the dock and peeling his shoes off. 

“You know, I’ve always thought I hated beer. Is it bad that I might actually like it?” she giggled as she drank the last swig of beer in her bottle. 

“I don’t think so. Just because you drink beer doesn’t mean you’re gonna turn out like your mom,” Sam said. He and Penny had been best friends since preschool- he didn’t need to dance around subjects with her. If Sebastian had never shown up, Penny would probably be his best friend. 

“Right,” she said quietly. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“What is it?” Penny asked as she swirled her feet in the water. Small fishes that had gathered around her toes in curiosity quickly took off. 

“When you… when you and Maru came out,” Sam said quietly. He wasn’t sure how to word it. “Your mom, how did she take it?” 

“Not well,” Penny scoffed. “She still seems to think I’m going to marry a man and make lots of babies.” 

“My dad said the same thing.” 

“When were you talking to your dad about me??” she laughed. 

“No no, not like that!” Sam said frantically. “I was… I was testing the waters. I thought maybe if I told my dad about you and Maru he might let on how much he hated ‘the gayness’, or so he calls it.” 

“You too, huh?” Penny said with a wistful smile. “Sam, you can be whoever you want to be, but you have to know that some people will stand in your way, no matter how much you love them. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship, so it was easy for me to rationalize it. Maru loves me and is way better for me than my mom will ever be.” 

Sam sighed. “Doesn’t that make you sad?” 

“Sure,” Penny said. “Sometimes it makes me really sad that she can’t accept me for who I am… but I read a phrase once, ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’. I still love my mom no matter how much we fight.” 

“What the fuck?” Sam laughed. 

“I mean that you have friends, and you have family, but sometimes friends are closer and better than family.” She flashed a knowing smile at him as she stood up from the docks. “It looks like they finally managed to light the candles on your cake!” 

“Oh yeah, that.” 

“Did you forget it was your birthday, Sam?!” 

“Maybe for a minute,” he chuckled. 

______________________________________________________________________________

The group had clustered on the bridge to say goodbye. The moon was new that night and there was almost no light by which to guide them home. The flashing of smartphone flashlights lit up the bridge like a disco as people fumbled with their belongings in one hand and their phones in the other. Sam laughed at them as he felt the delightful tingle of a good buzz going through his brain. 

“Bye, guys,” Jonathan and Abigail said as they carried their cooler off to the farm. 

“See you,” Penny waved to Sam as she and Maru walked hand-in-hand to the trailer by the river. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Sam said to Sebastian. He’d been so quiet that night- even more quiet than usual- that Sam thought that maybe something was wrong with him. Rather than confront it, though, he decided to let it go. Sebastian had done enough for him tonight by saving him with a hangout instead of the entire town crammed in Abigail’s house again. 

“I, uh, I was actually wondering if you’d wanna smoke,” Sebastian said as he balled the sleeves of his hoodie into his fists. It was an anxious habit. “My dealer got me some pretty good stuff and I saved it for tonight. Because it’s your birthday and stuff.” 

“Sure, sounds great,” Sam said with a smile. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough to see that Sebastian was watching him closely. “I could really use some help relaxing. Today kind of sucked.” 

“Yeah, dude, you got fired today. On your fucking birthday.” 

“I know, right?” Sam laughed. It felt so good to laugh about that. “Seems like something out of a TV show or some shit.” 

The boys laughed as they walked quietly through the town. The unmistakable sound of a lighter igniting and smell of the butane reached his ears and nose. The burning embers of a lit cigarette entered his field of vision. 

“Cigarette?” Sebastian asked. 

“Sure,” Sam said, as he held out his hand to the side. Sebastian’s clammy fingers brushed against his as he passed Sam the lighter and Sam was instantly reminded of the way Sebastian had grabbed his hand the other night. It had seemed too perfect; Sam had written that song for Sebastian, even if Sebastian didn’t know it, but it had obviously been received the way it was intended. His heart instantly began fluttering the same way it had that night. 

“Thanks,” Sam said, as he passed the lighter back. He fumbled on purpose, if only to feel Sebastian’s fingers brush against his once more. He swore that Sebastian had lingered, too- or maybe it was his imagination. Sebastian pocketed the lighter and allowed his hand to loosely hand at his side once more as they continued their walk to Sebastian’s house. 

“Um,” Sam muttered. “Can I?” 

“Can you what?” Sebastian said obliviously. 

“Uhh… can I hold your hand?” 

“You’re seriously asking?” 

Sam was glad it was dark so Sebastian wouldn’t see that his face was red. He could feel it, it was so warm and so awkward, why, why did he ask? 

“I dunno, we did it the other night and… it felt nice.” 

He heard Sebastian’s breathy laugh before he felt Sebastian’s hand slide into his. “Dork,” Sebastian whispered. They walked in silence as they approached Sebastian’s house at a lethargic pace, enjoying the nicotine rush and the feeling of each other’s hands. Sam almost wished for more, but he dared not to. There was too much at stake, and if this was all he got, he’d be happy. 

The lights were off in the house the two crept down the stairs to the basement. Sebastian turned on the old, dusty light bulb that hung from the ceiling. There, on the couch, was a box. A huge box with a big, red bow on it. Sam looked at him suspiciously. 

“I didn’t want to give it to you at the beach,” Sebastian said sheepishly. “It would’ve gotten all sandy.” 

“Right,” Sam laughed. “More like you just didn’t want Abigail to know you got me a birthday present, but not her.” 

“Whatever makes you happy,” Sebastian said as he fished the bong out from under the bed. 

“Can I open it?” Sam said excitedly. 

“No, I actually just got you a box with nothing in it. If you open it, you’ll ruin it.” 

“Goddamn, you really are an asshole.” 

Sebastian laughed evilly. Sam carefully slid the big, red bow off of the box. It wasn’t as heavy as he expected it to be- it looked heavier than it actually was. The anticipation was building in the pit of his stomach. He had no idea what it could be. He and Sebastian liked to give each other gag gifts. Was this a joke? It was a big one, whatever it was. Sebastian plopped down on the couch next to the box. 

“Oh my god, you’re taking forever.” Sebastian complained before taking a long hit from the bong. 

“Wow, so eager. Are you excited? Afraid I won’t like it?” Sam teased before reaching for the bong. 

“No, you don’t get this. Not until you open it.” Sebastian asked. “I know how clumsy you are, and you get even clumsier when you’re high. I don’t want you breaking it.” 

“Oh, so it’s fragile?” Sam said as he took the lid off the box and shoveled little shreds of red tissue paper out of the box with his hands. 

It was the guitar. The beautiful acoustic guitar from the little music store that Sam loved to go to in Zuzu City. Its frets were decorated with beautiful mother-of-pearl inlay and the body was a shiny ebony. He’d obsessed over it for years. It was his now, and Sebastian, of all people, had given it to him. Sam never expected Sebastian to remember something like that, or even care, but he’d proven him wrong, to his delight. 

“Say something,” Sebastian urged. “Please. You’re too quiet.” 

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Sam said, looking over at Sebastian, who had his arms crossed over his chest and his bangs over most of his face. He was fidgeting his foot up and down so fast it was almost a blur. “Seb, are you nervous?” 

Sebastian shook his head slightly, before rolling his eyes and nodding. 

“Seb,” Sam murmured. “This is so awesome.” 

Sam carefully set the guitar back in the box before leaning over and embracing Sebastian tightly in his arms. He hesitated for a minute- Sam was afraid he wasn’t going to hug him back- but Sebastian quickly wrapped his arms around Sam and pulled him in until Sam couldn’t stand anymore. It was either kneel, or land in Sebastian’s lap, and he chose the latter. Sam’s fingers found their way to the nape of Sebastian’s neck and into his hair as Sebastian’s arms held him tight around his torso. 

“Glad you like it,” Sebastian mumbled into the collar of Sam’s jacket. Sam could feel Sebastian’s thumb making circles on his back and he thought his heart might just explode out of his chest, and his brain out of his head. What would his dad say? How much would he hate Sam if this kept escalating? Would he - 

_Some people will stand in your way, no matter how much you love them._

Penny’s words echoed in his brain like someone shouting in a canyon. He could either forgo this, and always wonder what could be while he tried to please someone who was basically unpleasable, or he could choose the person who cared most for his happiness and knew him better than anyone else. He wondered if the decision was as easy for Penny as he tucked his nose into Sebastian’s hair and breathed deeply.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks artificialheart, for helping me hash out some of the weaker bits of this chapter. <3

“Good morning, Sebby,” Robin called as she knocked on Sebastian’s door. Sebastian rubbed his eyes before opening them to the pitch-blackness of his basement room. Beside him, he heard Sam grumble as well. His blonde hair tickled the bare skin of Sebastian’s arm, which was tucked neatly under his pillow, while his leg was draped over Sebastian’s legs. Did they sleep like that all night?

“Mom, I’m sorry, but please leave me alone,” Sebastian muttered before flipping his pillow over to the cold side. “It’s too early.”

“Sweetie, it’s one in the afternoon! You’re usually up by now!”

“Yeah, I know, but…”

_Sam’s slept over every night this week now._

Sebastian smirked as he realized that every one of those nights Sam had spent in his bed. Nothing had happened- Sam was very sure to make lots of room for Sebastian- but he couldn’t hide his subconscious desire to cuddle up with Sebastian late at night, when the summer nights started getting cooler and the basement was the first room of the house to drop in temperature. Sebastian might have forgotten his comforter upstairs in the dryer on purpose.

“Just promise you won’t sleep the whole day away, okay, Sebastian? I worry about you…”

Sebastian had to appreciate his mother’s politeness as she shouted at him through the door. Demetrius or Maru would’ve just opened it. He rolled his eyes as he imagined Demetrius’ reaction (‘just keep it down, I don’t want to hear it’) or even Maru (‘so it IS congenital!’). He listened carefully as Robin’s boots thudded back up the staircase.

Sam’s soft breath fluttered against Sebastian’s hair as he slept. He couldn’t see it, but it felt like Sam was close. The heat radiated off his long, lanky body as he snuggled up to Sebastian. If Sebastian hadn’t liked it so much, he would’ve made him move, he was so unbearably warm. 

It had come past the point of no return for Sebastian when he’d realized how much he craved the feeling of Sam’s body against his, the way his fingers felt in Sam’s… it was like a high, a really good high. It felt so different from the monotony of his everyday life. Sam was like a little window, full of color, that allowed Sebastian to escape the dark and dreary.

Unfortunately, Sebastian had work to do before they made their way to the Saloon that night. He wished he could blow it off, but after spending a huge chunk of his savings on Sam’s birthday present, slacking off wasn’t really an option. Plus, this customer offered him a bonus if he finished early, which he could use to… he didn’t know. He just wanted to spend it on Sam.

Sebastian laughed at the idea of a date with his best friend. It just sounded so strange… but it felt so good. He wanted Sam to feel as good as he made him feel. There was no way he’d say yes. Sam could do better than him. This was just testing the water for Sam, Sebastian knew it, but if it meant he got to wake up like this… Sebastian would suffer a bit for this kind of happiness.

Sam woke up before Sebastian could sneak over to his computer. The only reason why Sebastian knew was he felt Sam’s hand slip over his chest and pull him closer as he sighed a sleepy sigh. Sebastian was glad it was dark, otherwise, Sam would’ve seen his eyes roll back as he dragged a hand haphazardly across one of his nipple rings.

“Morning,” Sam whispered.

“You mean afternoon,” Sebastian corrected.

“What time is it?”

“Like… one o’clock in the afternoon.”

“Shiiiiit.”

“I know.”

Sebastian sighed as he waited for the usual wake-up routine Sam had practiced all week. Sam would hop out of bed while making excuses for why he was even in Sebastian’s bed in the first place, and run out the door with his pants halfway up. Yep. Sebastian was ready for that, as disappointing as it was.

“I need to take a shower,” Sam groaned.

Sebastian began scooting out of the bed to make room for Sam so he could slip past, but Sam’s grip held firm on his side.

“Where are you going?” Sam whined.

“I thought- it sounded like you wanted to leave,” Sebastian muttered. He couldn’t help the hurt tone in his voice, as much as he hated it. “That’s what’s happened like every time you’ve stayed over. You wake up, and you leave.”

Sam groaned. “I know… I know, and it’s shitty.”

“Kinda.”

“I just… I’m really nervous, and I don’t know what I’m doing, especially when I wake up, like this, with you.”

“You don’t have to stay over,” Sebastian retorted as he rolled over to face away from Sam. He knew he was being unreasonable, but it was better to put up defenses than to let himself get shattered.

“No, Seb, I want to stay over. I like this…” Sam murmured, barely audible.

Sebastian sighed as Sam rolled over to spoon him. He cautiously put a hand over Sebastian’s heart as the other arm snaked under his pillow. Sebastian could feel his breath on his ear as Sam tucked his chin into the crook of Sebastian’s neck and whispered his name in an apologetic tone.

“I know,” Sebastian whispered back. He put his hand over Sam and laced their fingers together. Sebastian shivered as Sam ran his thumb back over his nipple ring and Sam chuckled before holding Sebastian tight.

It wasn’t hard for them to spend the rest of the day in bed. Sebastian fished their old Game Girl Colors out of the box under his bed, which he’d held on to for way too long. Sam played the guitar while Sebastian coded on his laptop. It was perfect. Sebastian loved staying in anyways, but staying in with Sam in his bed made it even better.

Sam’s phone chirped an obnoxious punk rock song.

“Don’t get it,” Sebastian begged.

“Come on, it’s Abby,” Sam said as he swiped his phone screen open. Sebastian flopped back on the bed. Whatever Abby wanted, it meant leaving this room. And leaving the room meant this glorious afternoon would be over.

“Hey Abbs! No, what day is it?... oh! Oh shit! Yeah! We’ll meet you there. I’m at Seb’s... Shut up, Abigail. Bye.”

“Why, why, why…” Sebastian groaned as he put a pillow over his head.

“Because, because, because, she’s our best friend, and tonight’s the jellyfish thing, and we forgot. She’s all excited because it’s Jonathan’s first time.”

“Fucker was smart to miss last year.”

“Seb,” Sam said, giving him a knowing look. Sebastian sighed as he looked at Sam pleadingly. There was no resisting him, he realized. He knew that Sam was right, as much as he hated it. Sam chuckled when he saw the crestfallen look on Sebastian’s face. “I knew it, I knew you’d cave. Let’s go.”

Wrapped up in Sebastian’s old band t-shirt and spare hoodie, Sam stuffed his hands in its pocket as he exhaled into the air. His breath escaped his lips in a cloud of vapor. It was cold, true, but Sebastian tried to ignore it as he lit a cigarette. He loved the cold and was ready for this hot summer to be over. 

Sam and Sebastian fell into stride as they walked to the beach. Sebastian nearly inhaled his cigarette as Sam took his hand eagerly. He was sure he would never get used to the rush he felt when those warm, large hands took ahold of his.

“Sam, we’re almost in town-”

“So?”

“What if someone sees?”

“It’s dark, all the lights are out because of the jellies, do you really think someone’s gonna see us?”

“...no.”

“So let go if you want,” Sam challenged with a smirk. Sebastian rolled his eyes and smoked his cigarette, but didn’t let go until they reached the beach, when Sam untangled their fingers and shoved his hand deep in his hoodie pocket as Vincent waved at him. Kent gave Sam a stern nod before staring at Sebastian with an intense look. 

Kent and Sebastian didn’t get along, to no one’s surprise. Kent blamed Sebastian for what he thought were Sam's bad behavior and shortcomings. For example, his work-ethic, which Sebastian honestly didn’t see a problem with. He wondered if Sam had told him about getting fired yet… maybe that’s why he was spending so much time at his house.

Sebastian frowned before sticking his hand in his own hoodie pocket. The whole beach was already lit up by the bioluminescence of the jellyfish. He and Sam were late, as usual, but he preferred it that way. Showing up late meant avoiding the senseless small talk that came before events. He almost wished he were back in bed with Sam, if it weren’t for him dropping Sebastian’s hand like a hot rock when his family was looking. 

“Hey guys!” Abigail said happily as Jonathan waved to him. “Oh… bye, Sam?”

Sam wandered off to his family as Sebastian approached the couple. They were sitting at the far end of the dock in Sebastian’s favorite spot looking cozy. Jonathan had his arms around Abigail and they were kissing and chatting as they watched the jellyfish float by. Sebastian groaned internally.

“Hey guys. Uh. I’m gonna go have a smoke,” Sebastian muttered as he walked back down the dock, passing Sam and his family on the way. Sam looked up briefly at Sebastian and smiled before returning his attention to Vincent, whom he was helping count jellyfish as they floated by. Sebastian merely looked on and tried hard not to focus on the cold shoulder he’d just received and stood beside Shane as he stared dully into the water.

Sebastian and Shane were an odd pair, but they got along well. Both preferred the solemnity of being alone over being with others as well as their respective vices. They both liked Solarian Chronicles and would talk about the newest updates that were released on the fan forum from time to time. Sebastian offered him a cigarette, which he willingly took.

“Thought you said you weren’t coming to this thing,” Sebastian muttered. The two men looked on as the sea twinkled in hues of peridot and lavender.

“Jas,” Shane said, motioning towards his goddaughter who was busy splashing in the tide with Vincent and Sam. “She really wanted to come.”

“How sweet,” Sebastian said sarcastically. Shane flipped him off.

“Don’t give me shit, you were talking so much trash at the Saloon the other night,” Shane chastised.

“Yeah, well, I got dragged here too,” Sebastian said darkly, shooting a glance over at Sam, who he caught watching him. Sam’s face reddened before he continued kicking seawater at his brother. Shane looked in the direction Sebastian was looking at.

“Who, blondie? If Emily had asked me to show, I would’ve said no,” Shane said. “I don’t care if she’s my best friend. I hate shit like this. But Jas? I can’t see that disappointment. I see it way too much already.”

Sebastian nudged a rotting chunk of wood off of the docks with his sneaker toe and watched it fall into the water amidst the jellyfish. They seemed so oblivious to their surroundings. So unaware of each other. Must be nice, Sebastian thought, to float in the current and not get swept away by it.

“I know what you mean,” he muttered.

“Fuck caring about people. It’d be easier to forget them all,” Shane said. Sebastian chuffed and nodded in agreement. He’d always appreciated Shane’s candid nature. Shane took his old, beaten flask out of his pocket and held it out to Sebastian, who took it and sniffed the mysterious liquid inside.

“Dude, peppermint schnapps? Nasty,” Sebastian laughed.

“I don’t wanna get wasted, chances are I’ll have to carry Jas home and if I drop her on her face, Marnie will kill me!” Shane snorted.

Sebastian shrugged and took a long draught. The peppermint sensation burned as it went down. He had to admit, the alcohol seemed to help warm his body, which shuddered amidst the cold sea air. The two stood in silence for a long time, sharing the schnapps and cigarettes until the schnapps ran out.

“There’s my signal,” Shane said, watching as Jas tripped on the sandy bank and landed in the sand. She hadn’t the ground very hard, but looked at Shane and started crying anyway. “Gotta get that one home. See you around, Seb.”

“Later,” Sebastian said, before lifting his hood up over his head. He couldn’t feel his ears after standing still in the cold for so long, no matter how much of Shane’s booze he drank. He could feel the tingle behind his eyes that he sometimes felt after drinking a considerable amount in a short period of time.

He was usually happy to be alone. Sebastian spent so much time alone that the need for talking slipped his mind and the idea of another person there to fill his thoughts and lure him away from what he was focusing on was irritating to him. It meant that he could work out a code or talk himself down from whatever obnoxiously awkward situation he seemed to create for himself in his head.

This time, it felt impossible to work out. Sam had gone from velcroed to Sebastian’s hands and hips to straight up ignoring him. He couldn’t understand why Sam did that… was he embarrassed to be seen with him? He hadn’t been the past lifetime they’d been friends. Had something changed? It felt like things were going somewhere until they’d come to a grinding halt.

It was upsetting, to say the least. Sebastian did not like putting himself out there in situations where his mind and heart could get trampled. Falling for someone was something he preferred not to do. It was just safer that way. He already tore himself apart enough, he certainly didn’t need help, but Sam had seemed to grease the wheels and now Sebastian couldn’t stop the train of thought that was coming crashing down on him.

He walked down the dock to his favorite spot. Abigail and Jonathan were long gone, leaving it completely unoccupied, which was what he preferred, anyway. Abigail would’ve just tried to engage him in conversation, which was pretty sure was impossible at this point. He peeled his sneakers off and stuck his toes in the water. The jellyfish were beginning to thin out as they returned to the ocean’s depths, but occasionally one would drift by and skate along the underside of Sebastian’s toes.

The creak and thud of footsteps along the dock told him he wasn’t the only one still hanging around. He closed his eyes and quietly begged for solitude as the steps grew closer and closer. He just wanted to be alone so he could work his thoughts out and not have to worry about putting on a smile or a show for anyone right now. They walked up right behind him and stopped.

“Could you please just… not… not right now?” Sebastian growled. “I just want to be alone.”

“I think we should talk.” 

It was Sam. Of course it was Sam. Sebastian closed his eyes as his breath escaped his lips in a rattle, not from the cold, but from the nerves. The confusion. The anger.

“I think that whatever you’re gonna say, it’s already been said by what you’ve done,” Sebastian replied coolly.

“Please,” Sam said, as he stepped clumsily out of his skate shoes and sat on the dock next to Sebastian, “please Sebastian, I really wanna talk to you.”

Sebastian looked at him and sighed before raising his eyebrows. “Well?”

Sam looked at him desperately before covering his face in his hands. Sebastian watched as he took a deep breath before moving them away to reveal pink cheeks and shiny eyes. It pulled at his heartstrings. Sebastian rolled his eyes before moving over to sit closer to Sam.

“Do you remember when we pranked my dad and had to hide in the closet until he fell asleep?”

Sebastian laughed a breathy laugh through his nose. “Yeah.”

“And… you held my hand.”

Sebastian felt his face get hot. He knew it wasn’t the schnapps. “...yeah.”

“I can’t stop thinking about it. I need to know, do you… do you think about it? Do you think about- about us? Like I do?”

Sebastian swallowed thickly. It felt like his mouth was stuck shut, like if he opened it, he wouldn’t know how to say what he wanted to say anyways. “W-what do you mean.”

Sam sighed as he looked up at the sky like it would give him an answer. Like somewhere among the stars, what he needed to say, or hear, or think would just appear and things would be fine. Sebastian wished that were so. Maybe he could find his answer there, too.

“I like you. I know you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you,” Sam said, covering his face again. “But I can’t… I can’t keep telling myself that I don’t know what’s happening, because I do, Seb. It’s different.”

“I know what you mean,” he whispered quietly.

“Just…” Sam said, reaching over to Sebastian, who wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist and held him close. “Please just say something right now, something that’s gonna either let me know this is okay or that I’m crazy or whatever.”

Sebastian sighed. “You keep sending me these like, these mixed signals. One minute it seems like… like I don’t fucking know. Like, I know I have these feelings, or whatever-” he looked out the corner of his eye to see Sam’s tender smile and felt his face get even hotter, if that were possible- “but it’s really hard for me to wanna do anything about it when one second you’re holding my hand and acting like it’s okay, and then the next you blow me off for hours and get all coy and cold and shit.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered, as he leaned his head against Sebastian’s. “My dad- he’s so ignorant it’s not even funny.”

“Yet another charming quality about the man,” Sebastian grumbled. Sam laughed and Sebastian’s heart sang as he turned his head so his forehead was now pressed against Sebastian’s bangs. He could feel his breath against his own lips, smell the sweet scent of the menthol cigarettes they’d been sharing… just another inch, he thought, another inch and he could taste them.

“Can we try this? I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready to like, out this, us, to everyone, but…” Sam started.

“Yeah,” Sebastian whispered as he turned to press his forehead against Sam’s. “Let’s try this.”

“Cool, okay,” Sam said quietly with a smile. His grey eyes locked onto Sebastian’s as Sebastian looked up nervously at him. It’s now or never, he thought, as he used his free hand to gently touch Sam’s cheek. Grey eyes fluttered shut as Sebastian watched Sam close the gap to touch his lips gently to Sebastian’s. It was easier than he’d ever thought it would be to kiss Sam like that. Sebastian could feel Sam trembling as he kissed him back firmly but sweetly, like he was trying to tell him with a kiss how badly he’d wanted this. Sam was the first to pull away so he could smile his dazzling smile at Sebastian.

“That was good… can we do it again?”

Sebastian laughed. “Yeah. Again.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2 for date shenanigans.

“Hello, Sam,” Penny said in her usual sugary tone. “Vincent was great at school today.”

“I found a worm! It was huge!” Vincent said excitedly.

Sam laughed. “What did you learn?”

“I dunno,” Vincent said with a shrug before running off squealing after Jas. It was a beautiful day, so Sam agreed to meet Penny beside the fountain north of town so Jas and Vincent could play at the playground. The leaves were beginning to change and the water in the fountain was littered with stray leaves. The breeze carried the leaves through the air like a cascade of fireworks in orange and brown hues.

Penny went to sit on the old, wooden fence by the community center as she watched the kids play. Even off the clock, she still had a strong, maternal instinct, Sam supposed, as she watched them like a hawk. She even shouted warnings at them, which they gleefully ignored. Sam tried hard not to laugh as Penny shouted at Vincent not to swing on his belly, who decided that standing and swinging at the same time would be a safer option.

“Vincent…” she groaned.

“Sorry. He learned to listen from the best,” Sam joked, as he puffed his chest.

“Of course,” Penny said exasperatedly.

“I wanted to thank you,” Sam said quietly. As if anyone else could hear them over the rustle of breezy tree branches and the trickle of the fountain.

“For what?” Penny asked bemusedly.

“I dunno, for talking to me the other day. Kinda helped me straighten my shit out,” Sam said sheepishly as he fished a stray leaf out of his hair.

“You’re so silly, you don’t need to thank me. That’s what friends are for,” Penny said with a smile. “Did… did it help?”

“Yeah,” Sam said with a shy smile. “Kind of helped me get the ball rolling.”

“Well, good,” Penny smiled. “I hope that you’re happy.”

“Yeah, I am… just, don’t tell anyone, okay?” Sam said. “I guess I still haven’t really decided how… we haven’t really gotten to that point yet.”

“We? So there’s someone,” Penny giggled.

“Shhhh!” Sam hissed, whipping his head around as he looked for people who might be listening while Penny laughed at him. Pelican Town was full of nosy people- his mother included. It was just the two of them, though… and Vincent and Jas, he supposed, but they didn’t really count.

“I’ll keep your secret,” Penny said kindly. Sam opened his mouth to respond, but his phone vibrating in his pocket had him fumbling at lightning speed. Penny laughed again. “There they are now!”  
**NEW SMS NOTIFICATION**  
**FROM: Seb  
** Sam rolled his eyes at himself when he realized his heart was pounding. He couldn’t help it. He’d been waiting all day for Sebastian to wake up. He’d had a huge assignment due, but he wanted to get it done early despite Sam’s complaints. Whatever. He had to respect Sebastian’s work ethic.

****

 

**Morning**

**You’re awake :) finally**

**Sorry I was up all night**

**Sorry :(**

**Can you come over in a bit? Thought we might get out of here  
**  
 **Like go out  
**  
 **Food or something, found a new place**

**Are you asking me on a date ;)**

****

****

****  
**Ugh  
**  
 ****Yes

 **Gonna go home, drop Vince, then Ill be there :***

 **Gross

 **You like it**

 **********

“Vince, we gotta go!” Sam hollered. 

“AWWWW Do I gotta?”

“If mom finds out you’re fighting with me, she’s gonna be so pissed, dude!”

“FINE!” Vince yelled before jumping down from the swing and starting to stomp home.

“See ya, Penny,” Sam said with a wave before running to catch up with Vincent, who stomped the whole way home. Once inside, Sam rushed into his room, stripped off his clothes, and changed. Again. And again. And again.

“Sam, hi,” Jodi called as she opened his door.

“Mom! Dude! I’m changing!” Sam hissed as he covered as much of himself as he could with the jeans wadded up in his hands.

“Oh, I’ve seen it, I’m your mother!” Jodi teased. “Haven’t seen you in awhile, how are you? How’s work? Have you been sleeping over at Sebby’s?”

“Yes, mom,” he said through gritted teeth. “Just been playing a lot of Solarion late and I don’t wanna walk home.”

“Okay,” Jodi said hesitantly. “Are we gonna see you tonight for dinner?”

“No, Seb and I have a da- dare to try this new weird restaurant in Zuzu,” Sam stuttered. _Good one. Try a little fucking harder to keep it a secret._

Jodi frowned. “Don’t eat something weird and get sick, you’ll miss work.”

“Mhmmm.”

“Okay, then,” Jodi said with a smile. “Have a nice time!”

“Close the door,” Sam groaned as she left. He changed into a clean shirt and jeans before grabbing his denim jacket, a dress shirt, and his toothbrush. He stuffed all of it into his old backpack, thinking the toothbrush might be a little ambitious, but he’d been spending the night every night before, why would it change now?

Because they were dating now, he reminded himself. Trying it out. Did people just… start that right away? They’d already been doing that for a week… He groaned as he tried to stop thinking about it. Overthinking, he told himself. Calm your shit.

He grabbed his backpack and guitar case before rushing out of the room. His dad was sitting on the couch and Vincent was playing with some trucks on the floor. Jodi was in the kitchen, presumably doing the dishes that never seemed to be finished.

“Where you going, son? Don’t you have work?” Kent probed.

“Seb’s house, got the day off, bye!” Sam sputtered as quickly as he could while he maintained his speedy pace through the living room.

“Tell Bastian he owes me a motorcycle ride!” Vincent yelled.

“Do not tell him that, Samson!” Jodi hollered.

Sam was panting by the time he got to Sebastian’s.

“Hi Sammy!” Robin said from behind the counter. She reached to hug him over it, whom Sam half-hugged with a quick pat. It seemed like every matronly figure in his life was a massive roadblock that blocked his way to Sebastian.

“Bye, Robin!”

“What?”

Sam stopped in the hall bathroom on his way to Sebastian’s room. He found just about a million tiny things wrong with his hair- there was always something wrong with it, it was uncontrollable and had a mind of his own- and ran his fingers through it, trying to get it to cooperate. His jacket was askew, there was a hole in his favorite orange shirt… how long had that hole been there? He sighed before accepting his fate and calming clomped down the stairs. He knocked before opening the door.

Sebastian looked up from his computer and chuckled before looking back at his computer. He was still in his pajama pants- maybe Sam should’ve taken longer to get here?- and was shirtless. Sam quickly looked away before realizing that it was cool to look now- he and Sebastian were a thing, trying it out, whatever kind of label they were putting on it at the moment. He watched as Sebastian stretched his arms high above his head, showing off the subtle musculature of his abs etched into his pale skin.

“Since when do you knock?” Sebastian said as he rolled his eyes.

“Uh- good question,” Sam laughed awkwardly. “I dunno.”

“Hey,” Sebastian said as he approached Sam and got close enough for Sam to smell the tobacco that graced his skin. He took a deep breath as he could feel himself begin to tremble. Sebastian just seemed to have a way with making Sam excited and nervous all at the same time and it seemed to be that his body just couldn’t handle it.

“H-hi,” Sam stuttered as he smiled down at Sebastian. His date. Just thinking it made him quiver even more.

“You okay?” Sebastian said as he raised an eyebrow.

“M-m-mhm,” he stuttered again.

Sebastian closed his eyes and laughed through his nose. “Dork.”

Sam awkwardly reached out for Sebastian, hoping that the way to greet his… friend? Boyfriend?... came to him in that moment. Thankfully, Sebastian greeted him first by embracing Sam and pressing a kiss against the side of Sam’s neck. Sam felt like he was going to melt and quickly realized that he had no idea what he was doing as he hugged the shorter man back.

“I’m sorry I have no idea what I’m doing,” Sam laughed.

Sebastian shrugged. “I half expected you to be awkward as fuck.”

Sam rolled his eyes. Eager to prove Sebastian wrong, he took his face in both hands and planted a kiss on his lips. He pulled away quickly with a happy smile.

“That good?”

“And it got better,” Sebastian said with a grin. “At least you’re kind of cute.”

“Fuck you,” Sam laughed. “Are we going or is this a surprise pajama party?”

“I only texted you like fifteen minutes ago, Sam. Did you run over here?”

“No…”

Sebastian looked him disbelievingly before opening his dresser drawer. He began fishing out shirts, button-ups, hoodies… he looked just like Sam had looked when he was desperately trying to find something to wear. Sam couldn’t help but laugh.

“I just did that like a minute ago,” Sam said with a snort. “I didn’t know what to wear, so I brought a bunch of clothes.”

He proceeded to dump his backpack contents onto the bed. The toothbrush fell right on top of the giant pile and Sam wished he could crawl inside the backpack, zip himself inside, and never come back out. Sebastian picked up the toothbrush and waggled his eyebrows at Sam.

“Oooh, someone was hopeful,” he teased.

“I slept over for like a week before we… you know…”

“What?” Sebastian said, stepping closer to Sam. “What did we do?”

Sam could feel his face growing hot as Sebastian grinned at him coyly. He knew he was pushing him, trying to make him feel uncomfortable. It was like Sebastian’s sick, twisted way of testing his boundaries, but in all honesty, Sam had no idea where those boundaries lied. Sam stood his ground. He at least had the height advantage on Sebastian.

“When we kissed…” Sam whispered. Sebastian’s lips were mere centimeters from his.

“Mmmmhm,” Sebastian purred.

“...so where are we going?” Sam interjected. Sebastian rolled his eyes before returning to his pile of clothes on his bed. He held up the black button-up he’d worn to the Flower Dance before tossing it aside. Sam felt himself release the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in. Sebastian slipped a purple v-neck on before slipping his hoodie over his head.

“This new sushi place,” Sebastian said, before grabbing his motorcycle jacket, “It’s on the south side of town so it shouldn’t take too long to get there, but it’s gonna be cold.”

“Shit,” Sam muttered as he looked down at his torn-up jacket. It really wasn’t much for keeping him warm anymore. The faded denim was more of a fashion statement at this point.

“I already thought of that,” Sebastian sighed, as he pulled his extra hoodie out of his dresser. “Just wear this under that and you’ll be okay.”

Sam beamed at him. Sebastian didn’t like to show it, but when he cared, it was really obvious. Sam didn’t even think of himself as much as Sebastian did. He reminded himself to buy a motorcycle jacket so Sebastian wouldn’t have to share… whenever he got another paycheck. This date might be the end of whatever pocket change he had left. They went outside and Sebastian wheeled out the motorcycle.

“So, you ready to go?” Sebastian said with a smile.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Sam replied hesitantly. He’d been on the motorcycle many times at this point, but it always made him nervous. The idea that there was nothing protecting him from colliding with anything at a high speed except for a helmet… that made his stomach turn in an unpleasant way the more he thought about it.

“You sure?” Sebastian said as he got on.

“Um, yeah.” Sam lied.

Sebastian took his hand and looked up at him through his curtain of hair. “It’ll be okay. Trust me.”

Sam smiled and nodded before getting on the motorcycle behind Sebastian. He snaked his arms around his waist and rested his helmeted head against Sebastian’s back as he took off. Embracing him like that so freely where everyone could see made him almost recoil until he remembered that they were on the motorcycle and it was normal for a passenger to cling to the rider like he was clinging to Sebastian. A nibble of guilt ebbed inside his stomach.

As they hit the highway to Zuzu, the road cleared and the sky opened up. The fall foliage rushed by in a blur as the scent of old leaves and wet dirt rushed into Sam’s nose. It felt like he had been thrust into an old oil painting of an autumn landscape. The hair on his arms rose in a sense of frisson and Sam felt like he finally understood why Sebastian used the motorcycle as an escape. Sebastian let go of the handlebar and placed his free hand on Sam’s, making him grin in his helmet like an idiot.

The ride wasn’t nearly long enough.

Sebastian rode the bike up onto the sidewalk beside a ritzy-looking Japanese restaurant. It was far from their usual fare, which included frozen pizza and whatever weird food Jonathan had been experimenting with. Sam immediately started mentally adding up the twenties he kept stashed in his sock drawer… it looked like he was going to need them.

Sam rushed and grabbed the door to hold it open for Sebastian, who looked at him with an embarrassed, yet flattered look before going inside. The inside looked even nicer than the outside, if that were possible. It wasn’t over-the-top, but it was certainly more upscale than what Sam had pictured. Sam had no idea this was the kind of thing Sebastian was going for when he suggested they go get food- he thought maybe they’d go to their favorite greasy burger joint, or the taco stand that parked outside the pool hall some evenings.

“Reservation?” The hostess asked.

“Just two, for Sebastian Bainard?” Sebastian said with a gentle touch to Sam’s lower back. He looked so calm, cool, and collected- Sam wondered just exactly he maintained such a balanced composure when they were here on their first date, actually acknowledging the fact that they’d come to be more than friends and that they’d kissed and felt things they’d never felt before-

The hostess interrupted his train of thought when she showed them to their booth. It was a corner booth. Of course Sebastian would want something secluded, Sam thought. He was pretty sure Sebastian loved his basement because the entire thing was pretty much a dark corner. He laughed and shook his head as they sat down. The booth only had the bench on on side, so they sat next to each other.

“What are you laughing at?” Sebastian questioned.

“Oh, nothing, just you and your dark little corners,” Sam said. “Gonna get a sunburn if you sit too close to a light.”

“Ass,” Sebastian muttered as he elbowed Sam in the ribs. Sam giggled before looking at the menu… the entire thing was in Japanese. There were pictures, but without those, he would’ve had no idea what he was looking at. He stared, briefly, before realizing that Sebastian was carefully reading the menu.

“Seb,” Sam whispered, “do you know what any of this says?”

Sebastian nodded. “So you’ve got sushi here,” he said, pointing at the menu, “and then there’s bento boxes over here…”

“How do you know what any of this says?” Sam said disbelievingly. “Since when did you learn Japanese?!”

“Uh, I don’t know, I just thought it was cool, so I taught myself,” Sebastian muttered as he took Sam’s menu. “I know what you like, so I’ll order for us, if that’s cool.”

“Yes, please,” Sam said gratefully. “I can’t believe you just taught yourself Japanese.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Ready to order?” The waitress said with a smile.

“Yeah, we’ll have… the deluxe sashimi boat, with an extra order of salmon? Thanks.”

The waitress smiled and nodded before leaving Sam and Sebastian to sit there rather awkwardly. Sam had never really been on a date before- sure, he’d taken Penny to the Saloon for pizza, but sitting here with Sebastian made him painfully aware of the fact that he had no idea what he was doing. He knew for a fact that Sebastian had had girlfriends before, maybe even boyfriends he hadn’t told Sam about.

“You okay?” Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow. “If you don’t like this place we can leave.”

“No no no, that’s not it,” Sam said. “I was just thinking.”

“Okay,” Sebastian said. “You wanna talk about it?”

Sam sighed. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“What do you mean?” Sebastian said nervously. Shit, he thought Sam meant with him, not what Sam was really thinking. Great. He was already tanking this date.

“No! Not like that, I’m really happy to be here with you, Seb,” Sam said with a smile, turning his body in the booth to face Sebastian. He casually threw his arm over the back of the booth. Sebastian sat criss-cross in the booth and leaned against the back of the seat. It was just close enough to touch Sam’s arm. “If I tell you, you’ll make fun of me.”

“No,” Sebastian shook his head. “I want you to tell me. I won’t make fun.”

“It’s so embarrassing. I’ve never really been on a date before.”

“You and Penny never…”

“Not really, we weren’t together long enough or seriously enough or whatever.”

Sebastian smiled as he looked at Sam. “I’m your first date?”

Sam nodded.

“Cute.”

“You said you wouldn’t tease.” Sam grumbled.

“I’m not teasing,” Sebastian said, pulling Sam’s arm off the back of the booth and letting it drape over his shoulders. The corner of his mouth curled up into one of his signature grins, making Sam’s heart skip a beat. “I think it’s sweet. I’m glad I get to be your first. I wish I’d known. I would’ve tried a little harder.”

“No, this… this is perfect, I think I would’ve been even worse if you’d tried harder, or whatever that means,” Sam said with a laugh.

“Okay. Just remember it’s me. You don’t need to be nervous with me.”

“Right,” Sam said, covering his face with his hand. “You’re Seb. You’re my best friend.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows at him with a coy smirk.

“Or more than that, or whatever.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and smiled his coy smile once again. “ ‘Yeah, hi, this is my more than that or whatever, Sebastian,’ “ Sebastian mocked.

“My boyfriend!” Sam laughed. Endorphins rushed through his body as he words slipped through his lips. The rush was incredible. He’d never felt this way before about another person. The only thing that had brought him feelings like this before was his music. It was nice to know that he wasn’t broken or something like he’d thought before when he’d dated Penny and felt nothing. It was even nicer to know that it was his best friend who was making him feel this way- someone who already understood him, someone he didn’t need to explain himself to.

“That’s better,” Sebastian said, sliding over in the booth so he could rest against Sam’s side. Sam was surprised, but happy, that Sebastian was taking the lead. He’d never pegged Sebastian as the type of person to take initiative, especially with another person, but at least Sam could figure out what to do and what not to do by watching him. He had a lot to learn.

The waitress came to the table, carrying a massive boat of sashimi. The array was so wildly different from the sushi Sam had tried before. Each little nugget of fish was topped with sauce, green onion, or some other garnish. Sam looked on with wide eyes as Sebastian briefly explained each type of fish.

“Seb, I’m glad you’re taking the time to nerd out over your favorite food, but you know I’m just gonna eat it regardless of what it is or what ocean it lived in or whatever,” Sam chuckled.

Sebastian groaned.

“I’ll try listening though! Okay, so this one’s the albacore, right? What’s on top of it?” Sam said, picking a lump of fish that had been gently cooked, so much so that it was still warm, with a green garnish on top. He popped it in his mouth before Sebastian even had the chance to explain.

“Green onion,” Sebastian said as he took his own piece.

“Dude, this is delicious.”

“See! I told you. This place looked really good on my Goggle search last night, I really wanted to try it. I’m glad you like it.”

“Mhmmm,” Sam tried to say as she nodded eagerly with a mouthful of fish. “De-ih-shush!”

They’d finished the meal quickly and quietly. Sam fretted over the silence for a moment, until he realized that talking with your mouth full was pretty rude and quiet during a meal only meant that the food was good. They both sat back in the booth lazily with full bellies. Sebastian sighed a contented sigh as Sam dared to reach out and pull him into his side once again. The waitress came by with the check, which she handed directly to Sebastian with a smile.

“Hey, wait,” Sam complained as Sebastian stuck his credit card in the book and gave it back to her. “I didn’t even get to see it, I don’t know how much I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“But this place looks so expensive, there weren’t even prices on the menu.”

“So?”

“So don’t you like, owe your mom rent and stuff?”

“Sure, but I already paid her. I asked you out because I wanted to treat you,” Sebastian said with a smile. “So don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks, Seb…” Sam muttered with a flushed face. Sebastian didn’t know what a relief that was to Sam, who was still unemployed and slowly dwindling away what little savings he had left on beers at the Saloon and strings for his guitar. Still, he  
knew he was going to find a way to make it up to him later. He pressed his nose into Sebastian’s cheek as he held him tightly.

“Wanna get out of here? There’s a place I wanna take you,” Seb said. Sam nodded eagerly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a problem. I can't stop writing. haha.  
> OH YEAH to celebrate 666 views (because I'm a heathen), I'm going to be writing a special chapter regarding Abby's prolific obsession with spooky things and the dark arts. and because 666.
> 
> ALSO I have a tumblr now, it's littlestlittlecakes.tumblr.com , come on over, have a chat, I'll literally talk to anyone.

Sebastian could feel his heart thrumming as they pulled off the highway and onto the old, dirt road that meandered through the forest. He’d taken others to his secret spot on the cliffside before- the action itself wasn’t anything new to him- but the fact that it was Sam… for some reason, that worked his heart and mind up into a tizzy. He told himself that maybe if he quit smoking, he wouldn’t get so flustered so easily.

Yeah, right. It wasn’t the cigarettes or the nicotine that did this kind of thing to him. It was Sam. Sam, in all his innocence and glimmering hope, got Sebastian stirred up like no one else had. He was nervous to think about what would happen here, what they would talk about… it was like they were looking right into the belly of the beast. He was already nervous after poking fun at Sam until he’d called Sebastian his boyfriend. What if he didn’t mean it?

The moon was rising above the city as they stopped near the cliff’s edge. Sam got off first, and pulled his helmet off before clutching his hands to his chest and rubbing them together quickly. Sebastian had to admit, it was way colder than he expected it to be. Thankfully, his old motorcycle had a blanket that was always strapped to the backseat. It was an old, red, flannel blanket that was itchy as hell, but it did the job. Sebastian took it off the bike and wrapped it around Sam’s shoulders as Sam looked off at the glittering city below.

“Thanks,” Sam said gratefully. He held it open, inviting Sebastian inside, which he did enthusiastically. He could hardly feel his fingers. Sam laid an arm over Sebastian’s shoulders and held the blanket closed tightly around them. Sebastian wrapped his arm around Sam, who was radiating his usual incredible amount of body heat. The two men stared on as the city gave its usual spectacular light show.

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian whispered.

“For what?” Sam said, frowning at him. 

“Pushing you to call me your boyfriend. I dunno, just afraid… like… just the other day, we said we’d try this, then I get nervous and run my fucking mouth and tease you when I said I wouldn’t-”

“Woah, woah,” Sam said, using his free hand to hold Sebastian’s, “That’s not something to worry about.”

“I know, but… I care about this, I care about this a _lot_ , Sam. It’s been such a long time since I’ve given a shit about anything. Now we’re like this and I can’t think about anything else.”

Sam listened intently as he watched Sebastian speak. He couldn’t remember the last time Sam just shut up and listened like this… usually when Sam got nervous he ran his mouth, too. Sebastian swallowed thickly as he tried to collect his thoughts.

“I really don’t want to fuck this up,” Sebastian muttered as he looked down at his feet.

“Shut up.”

Sebastian looked at Sam, confused.

“I know you worry and you can’t help that, but I don’t want you to worry right now.” Sam said sweetly as he pulled Sebastian into his arms. “You’re my boyfriend. I really like calling you that. It makes me happy.”

“Okay,” Sebastian tried to say, but his face was muffled by the fabric of Sam’s clothing. He wondered if Sam could feel his heart race.

“Come on, I’m nice and warm now, so let’s spread this blanket out and sit on it, so we can enjoy the view,” Sam said with a smile. Sebastian spread out the blanket while Sam watched with a slight grin on his face.

“What?” Sebastian asked nervously as he sat on the blanket.

“I’m enjoying the view,” Sam said meekly. Sebastian rolled his eyes and smiled as Sam sat next to him. He sighed happily as he leaned back on his elbows and tugged at the sleeve of Sebastian’s hoodie. “Come on, Seb… It’s just us. We don’t need to worry or think twice about stuff. Just be with me.”

Sebastian laid down next to him, propped up on one arm and turned towards his boyfriend. The cliffside sloped down gently, making it easy to see the city while laying flat on their backs. Sebastian couldn’t tear his eyes away from Sam. The lights of the city seemed to dance across his face, lighting up his cheeks and eyes so beautifully.

“I’ve been coming here alone for so long… it’s nice to have you with me,” Sebastian said softly. Sam grinned and rolled onto one elbow to look at Sebastian.

“Yeah? I really like it here. This spot’s cosy, and the city’s crazy beautiful.”

“It is. I come out here to think. It’s quiet and kinda lonesome, but I like it.”

“Not anymore,” Sam whispered. That sweet smile that Sebastian had grown so fond of graced Sam’s lips once again as he smiled at him. It made Sebastian’s heart melt and his stomach contort like some kind of gymnast. Sam’s lips were so full and inviting- he just had to taste them. Sebastian reached over and pulled Sam’s face to his so he could kiss him. Fuck, they were just as sweet as that goddamn smile, he thought, as he took Sam’s lower lip between his teeth and bit down softly. Sam whimpered in soft shock before kissing back.

It was like this uncontrollable urge was overwhelming Sebastian’s brain and taking over his body as he feverishly grappled with Sam’s jacket. Sebastian crawled into his lap as they kissed each other passionately. He could taste the extra sugar that Sam mixed into his sweet tea as Sebastian slipped his tongue between the other man’s lips. Sam began to tremble as Sebastian felt him snake his fingers through his hair and grasp it desperately. It only made Sebastian want him more, if that were possible.

His lips moved to Sam’s neck as Sebastian sucked and bit at the soft skin. Sam began to rock his hips against Sebastian’s instinctively and whimpered quietly under his breath. Sebastian couldn’t help but smile as his lips hovered over Sam’s while he enjoyed Sam’s sounds of pleasure. He dared to open his eyes to find Sam staring right back at him with flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips.

“You good?” Sebastian whispered before kissing him tenderly.

“M-mhm,” Sam stuttered before nodding eagerly. It was the same way he stuttered before hopping on the back of Sebastian’s motorcycle. It reminded Sebastian of how woefully inexperienced he was at this sort of thing and a pang of guilt shot through Sebastian’s core. He remembered for a moment what it was like to be completely in the dark, without foresight as to what could- or would- happen. Slow, he reminded himself, before you scare him off. Instead of consuming his partner and all that could happen with an insatiable hunger, Sebastian took to kissing him gently before wrapping him up in his arms. It was then that Sebastian’s phone began shrieking his ancient ringtone at them.

“Ignore it,” Sam said, pinning Sebastian’s hand down with his phone in it before continuing to kiss him. He looked to the side to see that it was his mom- shit. Robin never called him.

“It’s my mom,” Sebastian muttered.

“So? She’s an adult, let her handle her shit,” Sam said, before gently taking Sebastian’s pierced earlobe between his teeth. Sebastian’s toes curled in his sneakers as Sam pulled rather hard and he nearly forgot that his phone even existed.

“I’M NOT OKAAAAAAAAAY-”

“Dude, is your ringtone seriously My Chemical-”

“Fuck, she’s calling again, I really need to get this,” Sebastian whined as rolled his eyes, tried not to think too hard about his mother, and swiped to accept the call.

“Sebby, why didn’t you pick up?”

“Mom, I’m kinda busy,” Sebastian snapped.

“Well, I tried to download a movie onto my computer-”

“Dammit, mom, I _told_ you not to do that!”

“Hey!” Demetrius snapped. “You will not speak to her that way!”

“Am I on freaking speakerphone!?” Sebastian said, flabbergasted. Sam giggled into the palm of his hand as Sebastian glared daggers at him.

“Can you please help me when you have a minute?” Robin pleaded.

Sebastian groaned and covered his face with his free hand. “Yes.”

“Thank you Sebby, I love you baby.”

“Oh my god mom.”

Sebastian tossed his phone aside and flopped down on the blanket with an exasperated sigh. The moment was gone, that was horrendously clear by the way Sam fiddled with a game on his phone. Sebastian cursed his mother and her awful timing under his breath as he reached out and put a hand on Sam’s forearm.

“Sorry,” he whispered. Sam grinned at him and shrugged.

“I still had fun, I don’t know what you’re apologizing about.”

“You’re great,” Sebastian mumbled and blushed.

“Let’s get outta here. It’s gonna be fucking freezing on the ride home,” Sam whined.

“That’s fine,” Sebastian said as he stood and helped Sam to his feet, “because you’re like a human heat lamp. We’ll warm up in no time once we’re in bed.”

“So I am sleeping over,” Sam sang cheekily.

“Keep up the attitude and I’m gonna make you walk home,” Sebastian grumbled.

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Sam was grateful for the long motorcycle ride home. He needed a moment to think things over after what had happened at the cliffside. Sebastian ambushing him was certainly unexpected. It wasn't unwelcome- it had just made Sam painfully aware of just how naive he really was. He’d only had sex once before after painfully awkward foreplay with someone he wasn’t really into. Sebastian was obviously better-versed than he was.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Sebastian. He really, really did. Sam didn’t want it to move too fast. They’d just decided to give more-than-friends a try, but Sebastian was still his best friend. The last thing he wanted was for them to jump to things too fast, find out they weren’t compatible, and ruin their friendship. He was pretty sure he would survive, eventually, if they broke up, but he couldn’t make it without Sebastian in his life at all.

Sebastian killed the engine as they pulled up in front of his house. It was late- much later than Sam thought Sebastian’s family would be up. At least Robin wouldn’t come downstairs and bug them, he thought hopefully. Maybe he and Sebastian could talk about things… expectations, hopes, something that would make Sam’s brain a little less fuzzy. Something that could get him to stop thinking about Sebastian’s tongue, teeth, and lips colliding with his own, along with other body parts.

Taking Sam by the hand, Sebastian led him quietly through his house and straight downstairs to his bedroom. It was dead quiet, save for the hum of his computer. Sebastian stripped off his outerwear before reaching under the couch cushion to grab the bong. He smiled at Sam before patting the couch cushion next to him.

Sam stretched out on the rest of the couch before laying his head in Sebastian’s lap. His eyelids fluttered as he took a long hit from the old, blue glass. Sam watched his chest rise as it filled with smoke and fall as he exhaled deeply. His deep blue eyes, blue as the ocean’s deep, sparkled at him as Sebastian stared back at Sam. He reached up to gently touch Sebastian’s pale face.

“We should talk,” Sam whispered.

“What’s up?”

“About what happened…”

“Was it too much? I’m really sorry,” Sebastian began.

“No, I mean, I liked it a lot,” Sam chuckled as Sebastian blushed. “I just don’t want things to go too fast. I mean, what if we decide it’s not gonna work but we’ve already gone too far and we can’t go back?”

“Do you think that’s gonna happen?” Sebastian said with a frown.

“Not really,” Sam said quietly as he stared into Sebastian’s eyes. “I like you a lot.”

Sebastian’s face softened as he smiled sweetly. “Don’t worry Sam, we’ll take it easy. Just say the word if things get too…”

“Hot,” Sam blurted out.

“Yeah.”

They laughed at each other. Sebastian always understood what Sam meant. He was really glad to be going through this with his best friend. It helped that his best friend was ridiculously attractive, he thought to himself, as he took a hit from the bong and watched as Sebastian stripped his shirt and pants off before putting on a ragged pair of black lounge pants.

Sam pulled the cord on the light before changing. He wasn’t as daring as Sebastian, he supposed. He crawled into Sebastian’s waiting arms, cuddling up against his chest as his boyfriend ran his fingers through his hair. Sam sighed blissfully before dozing off.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sam awoke the next morning after a long sleep curled around Sebastian’s sleeping form. He reached for his phone, which after checking, he realized it was one in the afternoon. So much for a productive day, he thought sleepily. He decided that maybe a repeat of laying in bed all day with Sebastian would be better than going home. Sam stretched to put his phone back on the nightstand and failed, sending it clattering to the floor.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he whispered in Sebastian’s ear, who inhaled sharply as he awoke.

“Morning, afternoon… whatever,” Sebastian grumbled. Sam laughed at him sleepily as he kissed his neck and held him tightly. The laughing stopped as Sam quickly realized he had an embarrassingly large case of morning wood.

“Woah, good morning,” Sebastian said, much more awake, as he rolled over to face Sam. He was even more embarrassed as he realized he wasn’t the only one suffering from it this morning.

“Hey,” Sam stammered. Sebastian kissed him sleepily and deeply. Sam felt his hard-on get even harder, if that were possible, as Sebastian’s hand trailed from Sam’s lower back to his ass. Laying in bed, kissing his boyfriend… it was the best way to wake up.

“Seb, I need to borrow that socket wrench you keep in your desk drawer-”

Maru burst into the room, looking flustered. Her look of frustration morphed to one of shock and awe as her eyes fell upon their twisted forms. Sebastian pulled the sheets over their heads and sunk below the sheets.

“Sorry, sorry, um, I’ll just check in the garage…” Maru’s voice said before they heard the door slam.

“Fuck,” Sebastian whispered.


	13. Chapter 666

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter in honor of the fic hitting 666 views. Yeah, I know. I'm a little obsessed with demonic shit. That being said, in this devilishly cute spectacular, there will be:  
> demonic rituals  
> mentions of the great Lucifer  
> mysteriously sourced blood  
> abuse of a chenille blanket
> 
>  @pixelatedfarmhouse on tumblr/ artificialheart on AO3 drew our lovely friend Puddles for this chapter.
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> also this is canon for the fic and aligns with where we are in the plot. boom.

“Tell me why we have to babysit your friends?”

“Because those fuckers have been late to all the plans I’ve made this summer and I am not letting them be late to my birthday party.”

“Babe, it’s not really a party. We’re drawing pentagrams and picnicking by a lava lake.”

“It’s a party for me!”

Jonathan rolled his eyes and tossed his arm effortlessly over her shoulder as they walked the path from the from the farm to the Bainards’ house. It was a rainy fall day- perfect for exploring the mines. She loved rainy days. They made the valley look even more magical than usual.

“I know,” Jonathan said, kissing the top of her head. “I can’t believe I got myself into this, you know. I was never into the occult…”

“Can’t back out now, you’re marrying me in two weeks!” She giggled.

“I know…” he repeated. “I can’t wait.”

“Me either!” She squealed as they stepped through the doorway and took off their coats. The coast was clear upstairs, thankfully. Abigail didn’t want to waste any time socializing. Her backpack was heavy and sagging with supplies. Abigail was turning the doorknob to Sebastian’s room when Maru shrieked down the hallway.

“KNOCK FIRST!”

“Shit, goddamn, okay, Maru,” Abigail replied hastily. She knocked loudly on the door and gave Jonathan a perplexed look. He, too, looked confused. Abigail could hear something long and heavy slide across the floor in Sebastian’s room, and Sam and Sebastian’s voices on the other side of the door speaking at incomprehensible tones.

“Hey, Abigail,” Sam said as he opened the door. He leaned against the doorframe awkwardly. He was breathing heavily and his face was flushed.

“Heeeeey…” Abigail said, bemused, as she poked her head in to look around the room. Aside from Sebastian’s bed being unmade, it looked relatively normal. Sebastian waved from his computer. He looked disheveled and his face was flushed as well. “Are you guys sick or something? You’re both all sweaty. And pink.”

“No, no, we just had, to move the couch, and it’s heavy.”

“Okay…” Abigail said skeptically. She was almost afraid to step in the room. She shoved Jonathan instead, who looked in Sebastian’s computer corner and covered his mouth. Was he shocked or amused? Abigail came in too, to see what the fuss was all about. Sebastian was sitting there, looking completely normal, except for his hoodie, which had been tucked into his underwear.

“Sebby, you kind of have a wardrobe problem,” Abigail said, stifling a laugh and hiding her face in Jonathan’s shirt.

“Oh, um,” Sebastian mumbled, pulling his hoodie out of his underwear. It almost looked like he was trying to retract into his computer chair. Abigail rolled her eyes.

“Okay, weirdos,” she said, re-adjusting the backpack on her back. “I came here to get you so you wouldn’t be late again. Let’s go.”

“I can’t believe you wanna go fucking spelunking for your birthday,” Sebastian complained as he put his shoes on. “We could’ve just gone to the Saloon.”

“Yeah, Abbs, why are we going into the mines, anyway?” Sam asked.

“Well, Jonathan told me there were ghosts in the mines. I figure, if there’s ghosts, and fire, and brimstone,” she squealed, “Then maybe we can summon a demon.”

“Nope. Nope. Nope.” Sebastian shook his head as he started unlacing the sneakers he just put on.

“Sebby,” Abigail whined. “It’s my birthday. Pleeeease?”

He sighed heavily before looking darkly at Sam, who shrugged and shook his head.

“Fine. I’ll fucking go. But if anything goes wrong, I am out. You hear me? OUT.”

Abigail wrapped her arms around his neck as she bounced excitedly. “Yay, oh Seb, you won’t regret it, this is gonna be so fucking cool.”

He looked her in the eye suspiciously before shooting the same look at Jonathan. “You know, I always thought she was crazy, until I met you. You’re marrying her. You must be even crazier.”

“Guilty,” Jonathan said proudly as he planted a big, wet kiss on Abigail’s lips. Sam imitated an awful retching noise and pretended to barf into his backpack.

“You are such a child,” Abigail chided. “Let’s go.”

The odd troupe made their way out of the house. The rain was really coming down. While Sam brought his own umbrella and Abigail and Jonathan shared theirs, Sebastian simply pulled his hood over his head, lit a cigarette, and trailed along behind sourly. 

“Babe, do you think we should eat first, or summon first??” Abigail asked.

“Hm, I can think of other things we could do first,” Jonathan muttered to her under his breath.

“Jonathan!” Abigail hissed. “Sam and Seb are gonna hear you!”

“I don’t think so,” Jonathan said, rolling his eyes. Abigail looked over her shoulder to see Sam holding his umbrella so both he and Sebastian were standing underneath it. “They look kinda preoccupied.”

“Huh.”

Sam and Sebastian had always been close. Out of the three, the two boys were always closer to each other than Abigail had been to either of them. She always blamed the gender imbalance and their ridiculous levels of immaturity. Even though she and Sebastian had lived in Pelican Town since birth, Sebastian and Sam went together like chocolate and peanut butter. As she observed them huddled under the umbrella, smiling and chatting as their bodies pressed together, it reminded her a little bit of Jonathan and herself.

“Do you think…?”

“I dunno, but I don’t stand that close to Elliott when we’re drinking beers,” Jonathan said with a smirk. She shot him a dark, disgruntled look before brushing it off. Sebastian and Sam had a bromance, sure, but it was platonic and nothing more than that. They would’ve told her if it wasn’t.

The inside of the cave was humid and dank. The smell of wet soil, algae, and whatever weird food Jonathan had left in his mining chest to rot was putrid, yet intriguing. Sam plugged his nose as the foursome stepped onto the elevator. Abigail’s heart was pounding. She’d done so much research and preparation for this, she could hardly handle any more anticipation of what was to come.

Sam and Sebastian began cranking the arm of the elevator, sending the tiny room cascading further and further into darkness. It felt like they’d stood in that little elevator forever. Suddenly, plentiful torchlight filled the shaft and a frosty air dusted  
Abigail’s wet clothes in tiny, icy flakes. It hung from her eyelashes and skin delicately.

“Oh my god!” She exclaimed, as they sunk past dozens of rooms, all beautifully ensconced in ice. Tiny, black fluffs danced across the floor as they collected pebbles and consumed them voraciously. They left a trail of tiny chunks of iron and gem fragments. “This is so beautiful, how have I never been down here?!”

“That’s why,” Jonathan said, gesturing with his sword, which he had unsheathed. An ancient skeleton, covered in equally ancient armor, creaked around the corner. Though its eyes had long since decomposed, the empty hollows of its eye sockets  
seemed to follow them as they slowly descended. Its hollow stare sent a chill running down Abigail’s spine. The skeleton’s body turned to match the angle of the head and began running at the elevator shaft.

“Awesome,” she whispered.

“Fuck no,” Sebastian groaned, tired from the work it took to crank the elevator down the elevator shaft.

“I’m gonna have to agree,” Sam said with a sob, as he began cranking faster. Abigail grinned over her shoulder at her terrified friends, whose increased efforts dropped them from the icy levels straight into the belly of the mines.  
The smell of sulfur and ash became more and more apparent the further they dropped. It was warming up quickly. The group shed their raincoats, as well as their jackets. Not breaking a sweat seemed impossible as moisture began beading across Jonathan’s forehead, which he wiped away with the hem of his undershirt.

“Fuck, it smells awful down here,” Sebastian complained through a cough. “It’s really hard to breathe.”

“If you didn’t smoke so much, this wouldn’t be so hard for you,” Jonathan grumbled, pushing Sebastian out of the way so he could crank the elevator shaft. “We’re almost there, so just hold tight.”

Abigail expected it to be brighter, like the heat of the lava would illuminate the entire cavern. She thought fire, brimstone, lava waterfalls, bubbling, boiling heat… but what she found was not what she expected. The cavern was huge and dim, with purply ivy that hung from nearly every stalactite in its maw. The lake was lava, yes, but it was mellower than she expected, with a large body of rock jutting out nearly to the middle.

It was _zen_. How she’d never made her way down here before… well, she knew exactly why she’d never been before as she reflected on the haunting gaze of the skeleton warrior a dozen levels up, but she wished she’d been. She would spend every rainy day down here, as far as she was concerned.

“Well, is your… hellmaw… exactly what you hoped for?” Sam asked, as he cautiously toed a pebble into the lava. The surface of it hissed as it seamlessly absorbed its seemingly unbreakable form.

“Yes,” She said happily with a sigh. “I packed lunch, so let’s eat.”

“All of her favorites,” Jonathan pulled out some thermoses as well as several tupperwares from the huge pack he carried on her back. “For the birthday girl.”

Sam made retching noises again and Sebastian giggled. Abigail thrust the old blanket she brought into Sebastian’s arms, who held it out while frowning at it.

“Why the hell would you bring a chenille blanket for a picnic next to a _lake made of freaking lava_.”

“It’s all I had! I didn’t want to bring my Junimo Cart blanket!!”

“So soft,” Sam cooed, laying down on the blanket after wiping his sweaty face on his shirt. Abigail wished she could strip, too. Her shirt was already damp from sweating. The cavern was insanely warm. She knew they wouldn’t be able to stay down there long. Sebastian’s pale skin was incredibly flushed under his hoodie, which he had rolled up past his elbows.

“Move, Sam,” she giggled as she sat down next to him. Jonathan offered her a thermos, which she cracked open to find steaming hot, homemade pumpkin soup. “Oh! Jonny! Pumpkin soup, thank you!”

“OH, gimme,” Sebastian said, grabbing a thermos and taking a long sip. “Fuck, that’s delicious.”

“Spicy eel, too,” Jonathan said, cracking open one of the containers. Abigail could smell the sriracha-drenched eel from her seat a few feet away. The delicate slices of eel were topped with green onion and sesame seed. Abigail smiled eagerly as she took a slice and slurped it up hungrily. It set her sinuses on fire, but she loved the energizing sensation.

“I brought PBJ, no offense, Jon… I don’t like spicy food,” Sam said, pulling a sandwich wrapped up in foil out of his backpack and setting it on the ground near him. “I brought rock candy too. Purple! Your favorite, Abbs.”

“Thanks, Sammy,” Abigail said happily. “I think this is already the best birthday ever.”

“Happy birthday, Abigail,” Sebastian said, fishing a little box out of his pocket. “I actually remembered this year.”

“It’s from both of us!” Sam said chipperly.

“Aw, you guys!” Abigail said, opening the box. A delicate, sterling silver wire ring sat inside, with a chunk of amethyst coiled in the silver wire. “Oh my god, you guys. I love this.”

Sebastian shrugged and Sam leaned against him briefly with a smile on his face before Sebastian cleared his throat and Sam snapped back up. “Oh, yeah, glad you like it… what the ACTUAL FUCK!”

Sam jumped to his feet with a girlish scream. There, on the ground next to him was a strange, red fish wriggling its way out of the lava. Steam radiated from its scaly, scarlet body, which stank worse than the sulfurous gas the lava lake emitted. It used its fins to push itself onto shore and grab Sam’s sandwich, foil and all, with its massive teeth. Sebastian squirmed his way inbetween Sam and the freaky fish before kicking it back into the lake.

“That was weird,” Abigail said, slurping up another piece of spicy eel. “So I brought all the stuff we need for the ritual.”

“I was really hoping you’d forget about that,” Sebastian whined.

“ANYWAY,” she said over him, “Here’s the plan. I brought my black mirror for us to use. I also have several candles, as well as red paint to make the sigil. After that, we’ll meditate and chant to power the mirror so we can use it to communicate with Lucifer.”

Sebastian’s face was alarming to say the least. “Lucifer. You wanna try to contact the goddamn king of demons.”

“Yeah.”

“Abigail, this is insane. First, it’s not gonna work, second, I don’t think Satan himself is gonna be cool with some nerdy, pale chick geeking the fuck out over him.”

“Sebby, you need to speak to Lucifer to ask for the demon that will grant your wishes,” Abigail chastised. “There’s no way I’m going to ask HIM to grant my birthday wish!!”

“What the hell kind of wish could you need a demon to grant?”

“I want him to do my laundry. My mom won’t do it anymore.”

“Oh my god, Abs.”

Abigail smiled at him before opening her overstuffed backpack. “Okay, I’m going to do the chanting since you morons will just make fun of it and the last thing we need to do is piss off the king of demons. Sammy, I need you to arrange the candles. Jonathan came down here last night and found the perfect rock to use as an altar for the mirror. Sebby, you’re gonna draw the sigil. I already texted it to you.”

“You got it, boss,” Sam said, grabbing the candles from her backpack. Abigail took a bundle wrapped in glossy black silk from her backpack and unwrapped it to reveal a black mirror. She’d used the last of her black nail polish to completely encase the back of the mirror in black during the full moon last week. Abigail carefully set it on the rock that held it at eye-level while she was sitting cross-legged on the warm, rocky floor of the cavern.

“Yeah, because it’s blood.”

Sebastian physically recoiled from the paper and immediately started wiping his hands on his jeans, muttering obscenities under his breath.

“It’s not human!”

“That doesn’t make it any better!!”

Abigail smiled cheekily at him before taking the mirror back in her hands. She closed her eyes and began chanting under her breath. She could feel the boys standing behind her. Their nervous anticipation nearly emanated from their bodies. The chanting only lasted a few minutes. Once she was done, she placed the sigil Sebastian had drawn on the mirror, and began writing a prayer on a separate piece of paper in the same blood as she spoke it aloud.

“Hear me Lucifer, I ask in your name, that your forces bestow the powers of prophecy upon this mirror; that I may use this magical medium to contact any Demons I may call forth, to scry upon for the revelation of secrets, and knowledge that is unknown to me. 

In the name of Lucifer, I petition Ashtaroth, to bestow the blessing of prophecy and all the powers related, thereof upon this mirror. All of this, I ask in your name, Lucifer. So it is done.”

“Shit,” Sam muttered under his breath, as Abigail lit it on fire in a candle and set the burning paper on the mirror’s surface. She gasped as its surface changed a deep blue.

“Fuck, no, I am so not doing this,” Sebastian said with woe. A shudder echoed through the cavern as the lava began to bubble and hiss. “I am so out of here. Out, out, out.”

Sebastian ran for the elevator and struggled to close the grate that held it shut.

“Wait for me, Seb! I am not gonna be here when Lucille shows up!”

“It’s LUCIFER, Sammy!” Abigail hissed. She looked back to the mirror, which had returned to its ebony black. “Damn it.”

“Happy birthday Abigail don’t die in the mines and please bring my backpack back up to the surface with you bye!” Sam shouted as Sebastian cranked the elevator back up as fast as it would go. Sebastian waved and they were gone.

“Wanna try again, babe?” Jonathan said, pale-faced. Even he was nervous, she could tell.

“Nah. We can try again next year.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so i know i've been going CRAZY with updating this story, because i needed to get all that writing out of my system after finals. I do, however, have other things i like to do? i think? i need to do those things too. so starting today, im going to try to keep updates down to once, maybe twice a week, so this story doesn't end so soon. im doing this because i need to stop being such a crazy obsessive updater, i need to dedicate time to my other fic, and also because if i don't knit me some goddamn socks before my 3 week break is over i am gonna be so mad at myself.
> 
> okay, that was more info than you guys ever needed to know about me. you're here for sambastian. here it is.

“This is great work, Sebastian, really.”

“Thanks I guess.”

“I just don’t understand why you won’t come work for us. You could do great things here.”

Sebastian was on the phone with one of his favorite clients, Sheila. They’d started their professional relationship over two years ago when she called with an issue her IT team couldn’t solve. After knocking it out of the park, she’d been coming to him with all sorts of problems or ideas that they couldn’t handle. Sheila had been begging him to join their team for the past few months. While Sebastian liked the idea, his gut told him to wait it out before pouncing on it.

“I really like freelance,” Sebastian lied. “I don’t think you guys would like me coming in at 4 PM and leaving well after midnight.”

“We’re flexible. Just keep thinking about us.”

“Bye, Sheila.”

Sebastian hung up and stared at the screen of his touch phone, deep in thought. Her offer was tempting. A salary, an opportunity to move out of his mom’s basement, real independence, it all sounded amazing. He couldn’t give up Pelican Town, though. He couldn’t give up Friday nights at the Saloon or the way the rain sounded as it pattered against the surface of the Gem Sea on rainy afternoons. He wouldn’t give up Sam.

It was so frustrating to have such a carrot dangle in front of his face and not be able to reach out and grab it. It absolutely soured his mood. To take it would be to let go of so much he loved. To leave it would be to forsake things he’d dreamed of most of his life. He scoffed, turned off his computer, grabbed his pack of cigarettes, and went outside.

Rain fell gently that afternoon as Sebastian made his way south of town to the beach. The cold nipped at his nose and fingertips as he pulled his hoodie further over his head, hopefully to shield himself better from the rain. An umbrella was tucked under his arm in case it got really bad, but he preferred not to use it. There was something about the rain, something about the way his hair and hoodie smelled like it that made it irresistible to him.

It was on these rainy days that the ocean called to him as well. He wondered if it was the way his senses were dulled by the combination of rain and ocean swells that drew him here. It was like being swaddled in a blanket. The sea and rain were comforting. The aroma of the sea flooded his nose as he crossed the bridge and entered his zen space.

With a deep inhalation of the humid ocean air, Sebastian closed his eyes and smiled. The salt burned the back of his nose. It had to be from the smoking- Abigail and Sam didn’t have the same problem he did. Nevertheless, he took a cigarette out of his pack and smoked it. Living long was never part of his plan, anyways.

The rain had soaked his hoodie enough that the thick fabric laid on him like a second layer of thick, wet, chilly skin. He took out his umbrella and popped it open. Raindrops thudded against it loudly. If only he could stay out here all evening, but he knew it wasn’t possible. Friday nights were for Sam and Abigail, they’d made sure of that years ago. He sighed before heading back into town.

“Sebastian,” Maru called from the bench in front of the Saloon. Normally, she sat with Penny, but Penny must have been home. She had the same red and white umbrella that Sebastian carried. His mother bought them for a Spring gift last year. “Can I talk to you?”

Sebastian sighed and sat down on the bench next to his half-sister. It was a long pause before she spoke. He knew Maru pretty well now, and thankfully, she was the type to think long and hard before she opened her mouth. It wasn’t often that she said something stupid. It was hardly ever, now that he thought about it.

“Are you and Sam dating?”

“Damn, don’t even ease into it,” Sebastian said with a sarcastic snort.

“What, do you want me to make some small talk before we start?” Maru retorted. She was smart. She could already read him like a book.

“No.”

“Great, I don’t either. So, answer the question.”

“Yes,” he murmured, glancing around the empty town square. “So what?”

“So… that great!” She said with a smile. “I’m really happy for you. Does mom know yet?”

“No. no. Mom doesn’t know. We aren’t telling anyone right now,” Sebastian muttered.

“Why not? Are you scared?” Maru said with a frown.

“No, I’m not scared.” he replied pointedly as he shifted his weight on the bench. Not only were his shoes soaked, but his pants were too.

“But Sam is.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t, but… you would tell people, wouldn’t you, Seb.” Maru said. She was wringing the grip on the umbrella in her hands. “I mean, being gay isn’t a bad thing.”

Seb sighed and smiled. “No, it’s not bad at all. I dunno, Sam seems really nervous about it.”

“It’s his dad.”

“How do you know that?”

“Penny told me. I guess Sam talked to her about it,” Maru said with a shrug. “What, he didn’t tell you?”

“We don’t really talk about it,” Sebastian said with a frown.

“Well, if I were Sam, and I got to date you, my amazing big brother, I would wanna tell everyone. But that’s just me. I just wanna make sure you remember how great you are. I know you don’t like to think about yourself that way.”  
Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“I just don’t want him to hurt you.”

“Maru! He’s Sam!”

“I know, I know. Just be careful. You need to take care of yourself, too. I’ll see you at home, okay?”

She patted him on the shoulder before getting up and walking home. Sebastian sat there in awe. Sam didn’t mention anything about his dad. What was the issue there? Sebastian already knew the answer. He knew Kent better than most people, after growing up around the guy. Homophobe probably, Sebastian thought with a bitter taste in his mouth.

Sam was always trying to please Kent. Most of the things Sam wanted to do he held back on, for fear of his father. He’d dressed a certain way, talked a certain way… hell, he even pretended to be straight for the guy. It made Sebastian sick to his stomach that Sam cared so much for someone who cared more about the idea of his son than the actual person that had been born and raised under his care. He was lucky that Robin, hell, and even Demetrius, were so warm-hearted and accepting.

“Hey, Sebby,” Abigail called.

“Hi, Abbs.”

“Why you sitting on this bench looking so lonely?” Abigail said, sitting down next to him. She looked at him with great concentration. “Feeling okay? Having a bad day?”

“Yeah, kind of a rough day.” he said with a melancholy smile.

“Let me buy you a beer and cheer you up,” Abigail soothed. “Sam should be here soon.”

Sebastian nodded. Abigail hooked her elbow around his arm and they walked into the Saloon together. It was already a busy scene, despite the fact that it was early for a crowd like this. Must be the rain, he thought. People in this town didn’t have anything better to do than drink. He made eye contact with Shane down the bar, who raised his glass in response to Sebastian’s curt nod.

“I’ll meet you in there,” Abigail said sweetly. While she annoyed the hell out of him sometimes, he had to appreciate her caring nature. What he appreciated even more was that she didn’t smother him when he was feeling down. Rather, she gave   
him wiggle room, time to come and talk to her when he was ready, instead of bore down on him with questions and worry. Sebastian gave her a half-smile before walking into the billiards room of the Saloon.

To his surprise, Sam was already sitting on the couch with this legs crossed, looking anxious. His foot bounced up and down quickly as he stared at the corner of the pool table. He hadn’t even noticed Sebastian walk in. Of course, Sebastian thought.   
The blonde was already deep in his own little world and was completely oblivious. Sebastian smirked as he plopped on the couch next to Sam.

“Hey,” he said.

“Whoa, hi!” Sam said as he snapped back to reality. “I was waiting for you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, did you talk to Maru?” Sam queried.

“Oh, um. Yeah.”

“She’s not gonna tell anyone, right?” Sam probed.

“No, Sam, she’s not gonna tell anyone,” Sebastian replied. His interrogation cut more deeply than Sebastian thought it should. Instead of looking up at Sam, who could read his face like no one else, he picked at the soggy laces on his shoes instead.

“Okay, that’s good,” Sam said with a sigh. He leaned over to peer at the main area of the bar before turning Sebastian’s face toward him and kissing him softly on the lips. “Hey, I missed you last night.”

“Yeah, sorry, I had another project for that client. It was a pain, but it’s done,” Sebastian said with a smile. Sam always made him smile, even when Sebastian didn’t want to.

“Can we have a sleepover tonight?” Sam asked as he ran his fingers through Sebastian’s dark hair and searched his face. “I’ve gotten so used to sleeping together that I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Dork,” Sebastian murmured. He pressed his face against the hand Sam used to touch his hair, which brushed its palm against Sebastian’s cheek tenderly. Sam pressed his forehead to Sebastian’s and hummed happily, but the affectionate gesture was cut short by Abigail’s boots clomping into the room.

“Here Sebby! I got you a sprite and vodka instead,” Abigail said. “Hey Sammy! I didn’t know you were already here!”

“Hey, yeah, I decided to wait inside since it’s raining,” Sam said casually. “You excited for the wedding? It’s so close.”

Abigail smiled happily and clutched her hand to her chest. She wore her engagement ring on her finger, and the amethyst ring on her thumb. It made Sebastian happy to see her wearing it. He and Sam had argued over several rings on Artsy before   
finally choosing one. “I just can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him, guys. He just makes me feel like the most important person in the world. I’d pick him over anyone else. Sorry!”

Sebastian glanced over to Sam, who seemed to be listening intently. He had the ghost of his dazzling smile hanging over his lips as he listened to her gush about Jonathan. Sebastian couldn’t help but wonder if Sam would pick Sebastian over anyone else- Sebastian knew he’d pick Sam, no doubt.

“Good for you, Abby. You should have someone who makes you happy,” Sam said cheerfully.

Abigail sighed wistfully. “Now we just need to get you boys to find your someones and then everyone can be happy.”

They couldn’t have timed it any worse. Both of the rosy hues on their cheeks were painfully obvious as they glanced at one another. Both of their blushes got worse as one noticed the other was looking at them. Abigail looked on expectantly and   
Sebastian swore he saw her jaw drop to the floor.

“I knew it. I knew it!” she hissed.

“Know what?” Sam said, trying to look stupidly confused and failing, ironically.

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” Sebastian said, fiddling with his shoelaces again.

“I can’t believe you guys didn’t tell me. How long? How long have you guys been together??” Abigail exclaimed.

“Shhh!” Sam hissed. “Only Maru knows!”

“Why does Maru know and I don’t!?”

“She walked in on us making out in bed!” Sam explained exasperatedly.

“She was so shocked… it was hilarious,” Sebastian chuckled. Sam elbowed him in the ribs and laughed, too.

“How long, though?” Abigail whispered excitedly. She was smiling. At least she was excited about it and not horrified, Sebastian thought.

“Uh, well, it’s been fifteen days since we kissed, and like, three days since Maru found us,” Sam said, counting on his fingers.

“Three days since you called me your boyfriend,” Sebastian whispered, causing Sam’s ears to go red. Sam grasped his hand excitedly and Abigail squealed.

“Ugh, you guys are adorable, it’s disgusting. Okay. Well. Just promise me you guys won’t get all gross so I can still hang out with you.”

“Who says we haven’t already gotten gross?” Sam said, waggling his eyebrows at Sebastian, who grinned at him.

“Sammy, you’re like the least sexual human being that ever existed. Don’t even try with me.”

Sebastian howled with laughter again as Sam rolled his eyes and blushed furiously.

“I am so glad this is happening,” Abigail squealed.

“I wish we hadn’t told you,” Sam groaned.

 

“Come here, dipshit,” Sebastian cooed fondly. Sam scoffed at the rude nickname, but allowed Sebastian to take him by the hand and pull him off the couch. Most of the crowd had left the Saloon, save for Emily and Gus, who were busy wiping down   
the bar. “Let’s get you back to my house before you pass out.”

“Ooh, sleepover, sounds sexy.” Abigail teased. Sebastian looked at her disbelievingly as they walked through the door.

“You and Jonathan sleep together every night. You should know how it goes,” Sebastian said pointedly.

“Mhmmm,” Abigail said with a wink.

“Gross! I never ever want to hear about that ever again,” Sam whined.

“Whatever Sammy, you’re just jealous that you aren’t getting any,” Abigail teased. “I’m assuming that all you guys do is hold hands and kiss because you don’t know how to do anything else.”

“What! No!” Sam argued.

“So true. You guys are probably gonna go back to Seb’s place and cuddle PG style in your underwear.”

“She’s not wrong,” Sebastian muttered. “It’s nice.”

“At least someone’s honest with themselves…” Abigail sighed. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Bye, Abbs,” Sebastian said, taking Sam by the hand as they headed off to Sebastian’s for the night. Sam was awfully quiet. His eyes were fixed on the dirt path ahead of them.

“You’re happy, right, Seb?” Sam asked quietly.

“Uh, yeah, it’s kind of gross how happy I am, actually,” Sebastian jested. “Why are you even asking me that?”

“I dunno, I guess I didn’t think about how like… we don’t do stuff. You know?”

“You mean sex.”

Sam pursed his lips together and breathed deeply through his nose. “Yeah. We don’t have sex.”

“I don’t need to have sex with you to care about you, Sam. Or to be happy, for that matter.”

“I know! I know! You’re like, super patient and everything. I really appreciate that.”

“So it’s all good, then. I’m happy, you’re happy.” Sebastian said as he unlocked his front door. Sam fell quiet again until they got to Sebastian’s room. He sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed, watching as Sebastian flopped on the couch. Sebastian closed his eyes and draped an arm over his face.

“Do you wanna have sex with me?” Sam blurted.

“Is that an invitation?” Sebastian asked, his arm shooting down to his side so he could look at his friend. Sam was staring at the floor, arms wrapped around his knees with his chin resting on them. It didn’t exactly seem like an invitation- if it was, it   
was the weirdest way to start a sexual encounter that Sebastian had ever experienced.

“No, I mean-” Sam covered his face. “Fuck, this isn’t coming out right.”

“Do you wanna have sex with me?” Sebastian asked.

Sam sighed and flopped backwards on the bed. “Of course I do, dude. You’re really hot and I really like you.”

Sebastian grinned to himself. His boyfriend was a huge dork. It was undeniably adorable. Sam’s candid nature really was shining through. Sebastian wasn’t surprised, but he did feel bad that Sam was agonizing over something so simple until he realized that this wasn’t so simple for Sam. Sebastian laid down on the bed next to Sam and brushed the stray lock of hair that drooped in front of his face to the side.

“I’m gonna tell you to stop worrying about that. Abigail and Jonathan are like, engaged, and way further down the line than we are. So comparing what we do to what they do is dumb.”

“You’re right…” Sam groaned. He leaned his forehead against Sebastian’s shoulder. “I’m just being stupid.”

“Sammy,” Sebastian whispered soothingly, stroking his boyfriend’s cheek with his thumb. “You’re not stupid. Just new at this. Take your time.”

“Okay.”

“Wanna watch a movie? I just downloaded Deadpuddle. I know you like that one.”

“No.”

“Okaaaay, then what?”

“I’m tired of being a chicken,” Sam said, straddling Sebastian. “I mean, I don’t wanna have sex right now. Obviously. But… we could have some fun.”

“Yeah? You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” Sam blushed. He bent over and kissed Sebastian eagerly. A sigh escaped his lips as he wrapped his arms around the blonde and kissed him back. Sam was always rebellious, kind of a contrarian, but Sebastian could see it in his eyes that he really wanted this. Now it was up to Sebastian to help him wade the waters and show him the way. Sebastian’s kiss grew deeper as Sam sunk into him.

Sebastian wasn’t so sure that this was such a good idea until Sam ground his hips against Sebastian’s pelvis. Fuck, did that feel good. Even through his and Sam’s jeans, the sensation was enough to make his dick twitch. Sebastian wanted Sam; he wasn’t going to deny all the times he’d imagined those full, sweet lips wrapped around him while he jerked off in the shower, or how much he’d wished for more that night after their first date. 

Taking fistfuls of Sam’s hair in his hands, Sebastian pulled Sam’s lips hard against his as his tongue darted out to swipe Sam’s bottom lip. Sam parted his lips and passed his tongue into Sebastian’s mouth as they kissed passionately. His brain quickly slipped from doubt to carnal instinct as he turned his hips, dumping Sam off of him so he could quickly crawl on top.

A smile, accompanied by a gasp, flashed across Sam’s lips as Sebastian turned his cheek and nipped at his neck. His partner shuddered as Sebastian bit and sucked until a bright red hickey formed under his lips.

“Seriously?” Sam whined.

“Seriously,” Sebastian said darkly with an evil grin before biting down on a new spot. Sam groaned as his nails set into Sebastian’s shoulders. Sebastian toyed with the hem of Sam’s shirt as if he was asking for permission to peel it off of him. Sam obliged, sitting up with Sebastian in his lap so he could take it off. Sebastian took the opportunity to kiss his way from the nape of Sam’s neck to his collarbone.

“Seb, gimme.” Sam breathed, as he pulled Sebastian’s hoodie up. Sebastian raised his arms so Sam could pull it off and toss it to the floor. Sam’s hot skin pressing against Sebastian’s skin sent him reeling. All he could do was run his hands over Sam’s body as he kissed him and press his torso to his as firmly as he could. Sam moaned softly in response.

He kissed Sam’s chest as he cautiously passed his thumb over Sam’s nipple. Sebastian had no idea what Sam was into, and he was pretty sure Sam didn’t either, so he didn’t want to go too far and ruin the moment. Thankfully, Sam reacted positively as the thigh he’d had laying in between Sebastian’s legs tensed up and grinded against Sebastian’s shaft. Sebastian shuddered and felt Sam smile against his lips.

“Stick with me here, I’m gonna try something. Tell me if it’s too much,” Sebastian whispered before wrapping his lips around one of Sam’s nipples and sucking. Sam gasped and moaned loudly enough that Sebastian chuckled and shushed him before sucking again. It was almost too much fun to test the boundaries and see what Sam liked. Sebastian took the hard nipple in between his teeth and bit gently. Sam grasped fistfuls of his dark hair and squirmed underneath him.

“Take these off,” Sebastian directed, as he slipped his fingers between Sam’s body and the waistband of his jeans. Sam was quick to stand up and shimmy them off while Sebastian did the same. Sam looked down at Sebastian’s body, lips and face tinged red from the intense makeout session they’d been having, with wide eyes as they fell on his tented boxer briefs.

“These too?” Sebastian asked as he rested his hand on Sam’s hip and kissed him tenderly. Sam nodded and dropped his grey boxers to the floor. Sebastian looked at his boyfriend to find apprehension written in every line on his face.

“You okay? We can stop.”

“I don’t want to,” Sam said, pulling Sebastian into his naked body and hugging him.

“Okay,” Sebastian whispered. “Sit on the bed.”

Sam obeyed as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at Sebastian with a bashful smile on his face. Sebastian kissed him enthusiastically as he cradled his face in his hands before making his way down to his neck and chest. He’d never noticed how soft Sam’s warm skin was as he kissed it softly. Sam shook with every kiss as he nervously anticipated Sebastian’s movements. He made his way further and further south until he reached the patch of blonde hair that reached from Sam’s navel to   
the base of his shaft.

“Can I?” Sebastian asked quietly as he got on his knees on the floor in front of Sam.

“You don’t have to,” Sam stuttered.

“I want to, I really, really want to,” Sebastian pleaded as he kissed the inside of Sam’s thigh, sending another shiver cascading through him. He hoped Sam never stopped doing that. Sam nodded as he caressed Sebastian’s neck.

“Just don’t push down on the back of my head, okay? I kind of have a gag reflex but only when I’m not expecting it,” Sebastian warned. Sam nodded and blushed. Sebastian looked up at him as he took the base of Sam’s shaft in his hand and kissed the tip. Sam bit his lips and inhaled as he looked Sebastian in the eye. He closed his eyes lowered his mouth slowly down until the entire thing was in his mouth and then back out until it had completely escaped his lips.

Sebastian worked the shaft with his hand, now that it was wet with his saliva, while sucking on the tip generously. He passed over the slit with his tongue before massaging the back of the head of Sam’s dick with it, causing Sam to start quivering slightly. Sebastian opened his eyes to find Sam relaxing back on his elbows, head hanging back, eyes closed and biting his lips. Sebastian hummed with pleasure at the sight of Sam enjoying himself so much; he was glad that instead of this being a   
difficult experience for him that he was enjoying it so immensely.

“Seb, m’getting close,” Sam growled as he opened his eyes to look down at Sebastian, who tried to smile despite his mouth being full and pulled his hand away from Sam’s cock so he could take the whole thing in his mouth. He felt his eyes begin to water slightly as he deep-throated him -he’d never expected Sam to be so big- and Sam’s whole body shuddered as he came. Sam covered his own mouth as he cried out, trying to muffle the sound. Sebastian gave his dick one or two more passes before pulling away and swallowing Sam’s cum.

Sebastian wiped his face on the corner of the blanket on his bed and laid down next to Sam. He wasn’t sure if Sam would want to kiss him after Sebastian just had his cum his mouth, but Sam didn’t seem to care as he crawled up on the bed to lay next to him and kiss him sweetly. He was still shaking, Sebastian noticed.

“You okay?” Sebastian asked as he touched his face.

“How could I not be?” Sam said with a sleepy, blissed out smile. Sebastian cuddled up to his side and pulled the blankets over them. He reached over and turned out the lamp on his dresser. It only took a moment for Sam to fall asleep, which Sebastian had been expecting. He’d just come from what Sebastian presumed was his first-ever blowjob. Sebastian pressed his ear to Sam’s chest and listened to his heart flutter as he fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PLEASE READ**
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> mention of Sam's past sexual assault  
> PTSD flashback  
> physical aggression
> 
> whew. okay. i don't want to say much more, for fear of spoilage.

Sam arrived at home that morning to find a relatively quiet house. No one was home, he guessed, as he slinked through the living room and into his bedroom. Vincent was at school. Jodi was doing something in the kitchen. Kent was…. Sam prayed that he wasn’t fishing. Maybe he was hanging out behind the house like he usually did on nice afternoons.

He threw his backpack on the floor before digging around in his dresser. He swore he had a box of condoms in there somewhere- how old it was, how big they were, Sam had no idea. The box hadn’t even been opened. Did his mom find them? He hoped not. Really, really hoped not.

He turned around to find his dad standing in the doorway.

 

Holding his tackle box.

_Oh, fuck._

“Samson Matthew!”

“Dad-”

“Care to explain this to me?” His dad growled, opening the old, aluminum container and dumping its contents on the floor of Sam’s room. Kinked fishhooks clattered to the floor, while bobbers burst open as they collided with the old hardwood, revealing their rocky contents.

“Kent, what is happening? Oh, God,” Jodi exclaimed as she laid eyes on the mess Kent had made on the floor. Sam could see his mother’s crestfallen face as she observed the small disaster. “Oh Sammy…”

“It was just supposed to be a prank-”

“You think this is funny?? How the hell is this supposed to be funny!?” Kent yelled, gesturing aggressively at the pile. Sam could feel his guts start twisting up in his belly. He’d made his dad mad before and it never ended well. This, surely, would be the same, if not worse. Sam had never actually messed with his dad’s stuff on purpose.

“And another thing,” he said, stepping over the mess and approaching Sam like a cannonball, “When were you gonna tell us you lost your job!?”

“Kent, please,” Jodi begged. “Calm down. He didn’t make Joja close.”

“I don’t give a shit about that, Jodi, what I give a shit about is that this boy’s been telling us he’s been at work for two weeks! And when we get around to grocery shopping, we find barred doors! Vacancy signs! Certainly a surprise to us, when we’ve been hearing that you’ve been going in every day since it closed nearly two weeks ago!”

“Dad, I didn’t wanna tell you!” Sam said, backing up until his heel hit the wall. His dad was even taller than he was and was boring down on him with a finger in his face. Sam looked at his mom, who was covering her mouth as she watched it unfold.

“I didn’t want a liar for a son who ruins my things, looks like we’re both disappointed. And stop looking at your mother, you’ve hurt her as much as you’ve hurt me!” Kent snapped, as he forcefully turned Sam’s head to look at him. Sam tried to swallow what felt like the ping pong ball growing in his throat. It was like he couldn’t breathe… his back against the wall, the hand on his neck, it felt an awful lot like that terrible memory in the bathroom at the bar-

“You will pay me back for my things. You will find a job. If you don’t do these things, you will find a new place to live,” Kent growled. Kent’s hand dropped to his side, leaving Sam bracing himself against the wall as he tried to remain upright. The door slammed shut, leaving Jodi and Sam in the room.

Sam could feel the cold tile at his back, hear the constant whirring of the fan moving air through the air, the smell of his attacker’s cologne, it was like his sensory system was barraging him with every single sensation from that night. He could still feel the hand on his throat as he clawed at the skin on his neck, sobbing dryly.

“Sammy, Sammy,” Jodi said urgently as she crouched in front on him. Sam closed his eyes and turned his head away as he tried to push himself into the wall and away from her. She tried to take his hands in hers, but as soon as her hands were around his wrists, he cried out.

“No! Don’t touch me like that,” he said, sobbing. “Please…”

“I want to help you, please, Sammy, what should… what can I do??” she pleaded.

“Mom,” he hiccuped, as he wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her. Jodi hugged him back and stroked his hair. Sam gulped air into his lungs. The sensory load was insane and he didn’t know how to bounce back from it- all he knew was   
the tile. The sound of that fan… the hands. Everywhere, all over, where they shouldn’t be.

“T-tighter,” he begged.

“Sam, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me,” Jodi murmured. Her voice was shaking. Sam simply shook his head as he quaked in her arms. She held him as tightly as she could.

“What’s going on in here?” Kent said, stepping in the doorway.

“Fuck,” Sam cried.

Kent looked at him, furrowing his brow.

“He’s having a flashback. Jodi, don’t let go of him. I’ll be right back.”

Kent’s footsteps fell away as he walked to the kitchen.

“A flashback? What do you mean? Like your flashbacks!?” Jodi yelled as she held Sam in his arms.

White, cold tile. Whirring. Hands. It was like he was there again, and again, and again. Like he was suspended in some sick pendulum that swung to and fro through the same horrifying smells, sounds, sights… he tried closing his eyes, but it only made it worse.

“Okay, he needs to stand up, where’s that damn jacket he’s always wearing? Yeah, there. Grab that, Jodes… You know what to do. It’s just like mine.”

“He’s never been in the military, Kent! Are you crazy?”

“Traumatic experiences aren’t just for soldiers,” Kent said with a sigh. “Poor thing… Okay, Sam. I’ve got your favorite cola, and we’re gonna go sit on the couch, okay?”

Sam nodded his head as he took the cola in his hand. The other shot to the jacket sleeve as Jodi draped it on him. The soft, frayed cuff of the jacket was familiar, and still warm. He clung to it, white-knuckled.

“Good. Okay.”

Kent led him slowly to the couch and had him sit. Sam’s hands shook as he took a sip of cola. It was cold… refreshing, almost like a snap back to reality. He fidgeted with the hole in the left sleeve, one that’d been made by one of the butts of Sebastian’s cigarettes on a dare. Sam’s breath finally caught in his chest as he thought of Sebastian. He’d been the one good thing that happened that night. He opened his eyes to find his father kneeling in front of him on the floor. Jodi was standing by the doorway, tears streaming down her face, as she watched.

“Better?” Kent asked.

Sam nodded.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… I had no idea,” Kent murmured. “I get so mad sometimes, it’s like it just swamps my brain.”

Sam nodded again.

“Can you forgive me?”

Sam breathed in deeply, before closing his eyes. It wasn’t his dad’s fault. He had no idea what had happened. Even Sam didn’t know it was a trigger. He shuddered to think of it again. Not his fault. Not his fault. He nodded at his dad. Kent’s eyes conveyed deep regret as he took his son in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Sam touched his hand to his dad’s back.

“It’s okay,” he murmured.

______________________________________________________________________________

Soft country music crooned from the radio of Robin’s old, beat-up truck as they cruised along the highway back home from Zuzu City. They’d gone to pick up the vaporizer that Sebastian ordered. Robin was more than happy to help Sebastian. To her, anything was better than the cigarettes Sebastian had smoked for the last ten years.

Family was part of the reason he did it. He didn’t want Robin to be at his bedside when he’d inevitably be diagnosed with emphysema, lung cancer, or some other horrible disease. He never thought he’d live long enough to have to worry about either. Now… he wasn’t so sure. He might want to see those days he never dreamed of living. He might want to live them with Sam.

“I’m so happy you’re quitting,” Robin said cheerfully.

“Not totally quitting,” Sebastian corrected.

“This is way better than those cancer sticks,” Robin said, giving him a pointed look. “I’m just happy that you’re finally doing it, is all. Only took ten years of nagging.”

“I kinda realized I might wanna live longer,” Sebastian retorted.

Robin gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m glad. You’ve seemed a little brighter these past few weeks. Can’t say it isn’t nice to see.”

Sebastian smiled. “Yeah. Things are good.”

“Glad to hear it,” Robin said, letting go of the steering wheel to give his hand a squeeze.

“God, mom, you’re a sap.”

“I know. I’m a complete sap. Just… whatever, whoever it is that’s helping you feel better, Sebby, I’m so happy.”

Sebastian gave his mom’s hand the quickest of squeezes before curling up against the window of the truck. He wanted to tell her. Robin deserved to know that there was happiness and love in his life. She’d been the only source for such a long time. How could it hurt for her to know? He knew she could keep a secret. She wasn’t a gossip like Caroline or Jodi were.

“It’s Sam,” he whispered, so quietly he thought she might not have heard him. Her kind smile said otherwise.

“Sam’s a good boy,” Robin added.

“I love him, mom.”

“He’s lucky. You’ve got a lot of love to give.” Robin sang as the truck pulled into the garage. She killed the engine and turned to look at him. She looked so excited. So happy. She hadn’t been so excited since he got his first freelancing gig.

“Just don’t tell anyone, okay? Kind of just keeping it low-key until we… until it’s all figured out.”

Robin frowned. “What do you mean? Are you guys not official yet or something?”

“Sam’s nervous.”

“So you’re all figured out. Sammy’s just slow to come around.”

Sebastian wanted to sink into the door of the truck and disappear. “I guess.”

“If I were him, I’d be telling everybody!”

“That’s what Maru said.”

“Just give him time,” Robin advised. “He’ll come around.”

“...thanks.”

Sebastian opened the door to the old truck. It squealed in resistance, but the old steel held well. The truck had been in their family since before Sebastian was born. Robin fondly referred to it as her first child whenever Sebastian was being difficult. Her phone sang a chipper song as it rang.

“Hi Jodi,” Robin said cheerfully into the phone. “What’s wrong? Slow down, sweetie, I can’t understand you. What’s going on? ...Oh my god. Poor Sam. He had a what? How could anything that terrible happen to such a sweetie like Sammy…?”

“Sam?” Sebastian asked, trying to keep the panic from showing in his voice. A multitude of terrible situations painted themselves in vibrant colors across the inside of his eyelids.

“He had a panic attack or something, honey, Jodi’s saying it’s PTSD like Kent,” Robin whispered to him as she covered the phone with her hand. “You should go see him.”

Sebastian nodded before rushing out of the garage. He was eternally grateful that Sam hadn’t smashed his head against the sidewalk outside of his house trying to pull off a stupid trick on his skateboard, but at the same time, in great despair that Sam had had an attack. A flashback, they called it. Sebastian had done his research after what had happened to Sam- he didn’t know if Sam would have trouble recovering or not- but he’d hoped it wouldn’t happen. He racked his brain as he tried to figure out exactly how Sam could’ve been triggered.

“Hi, Seb,” Jodi said as she opened the door. “Robin told you to come?”

“I would’ve come even if she told me not to,” Sebastian muttered.

Jodi smiled. “You’re such a good friend, Seb. Come on in.”

Sebastian made his way straight to Sam’s room. He couldn’t help but notice Kent, sitting on the couch, holding his face in his hands. Weird. Kent was a stoic man, one who wasn’t one for showing much, if any, emotion.   
He went into Sam’s room and closed the door behind him, turning the lock as he did so. He didn’t honestly give a shit if Jodi got upset that he’d done so, he only cared how Sam was feeling. Reflecting on all of it, he knew that the only thing Sam could’ve had a flashback about was what had happened on that terrible night in Zuzu City. He tried to put Sam’s emotions over his own, remembering what he’d learned from hours of internet research.

“Hey,” he said quietly. Sam was curled up in bed, with the blankets pulled up over his head. The lights were off. Sebastian felt his heart twinge as he looked upon the sad sight. “Can I join you?”

“Mhm.”

Sebastian kicked off his shoes and set his vape on the top of Sam’s dresser before lifting the sheets and crawling in beside Sam. He curled his body around his and held him tightly against him. He’d read somewhere that compression helped someone through, and after, an attack. Sam breathed deeply. He shuddered the same way someone would after they had been crying.

“Sammy,” Sebastian whispered, kissing the back of his neck. “What happened?”

“I dunno, my dad in I got in a fight and he got physical and it just… all the sudden it was like I was in that bathroom and-”

“It’s okay,” Sebastian said gently. “So Kent did this?”

“It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know.”

Sebastian sighed. Sam didn’t want to talk about this right now, and for good reason. It probably would be a bad idea to discuss the topic, as much as he wanted to. As much as he wanted to confront the issue of Kent’s anger… pushing Sam when he was this weak and vulnerable would only incite more issues. He tried to take the anger bubbling in his belly and push it aside.

Sam breathed wearily. Sebastian had never seen him this bad… it was all because of that stupid prank. That wonderful, amazing, horrible prank. It was what had brought them together, sparked the fire that ignited this amazing relationship he found himself in with Sam. It was also what had brought Kent to do ...whatever he’d done to bring Sam to tears. Two sides of the same coin. 

He blamed himself for this happening. It was his own selfish motives that drove themselves to the prank in the first place. Sebastian was the one that wanted revenge for Kent’s mistreatment of Sam. Sam, bless his heart, wasn’t one for revenge, for stooping to another person’s level, yet he was the one who suffered the punishment for Sebastian’s haughty, selfish behavior. He felt sick.

“I’m so sorry,” Sebastian said as his voice caught in his throat.

“What are you sorry for?” Sam asked, rolling over to look Sebastian in the eye. His eyes didn’t have that familiar spark they usually did. His cheeks were patchy and red. Oh, fuck, he’d done it. He’d broken his own boyfriend, it was his fault and now Sam was living in this hell that had been wrought upon him. 

“That this happened, I mean, I was the one that thought of the prank, and now this.”

“Seb,” Sam croaked with a smile. He was still capable of smiling… that was good. “If we didn’t pull that prank, I don’t even know if we’d be together right now. It’s not even your fault, that prank happened way before I was ever assaulted. I know if you could have prevented it you would’ve, but you couldn’t, and that’s okay. Don’t blame yourself for what happened today.”

Sebastian nodded. His eyes were burning. _Don’t, don’t, don’t. Don’t cry. It’s not about you right now._

“Okay, Seb?”

“You’re so important to me, Sammy.” Sebastian cupped Sam’s cheek. Sam put his hand over Sebastian’s and pressed a kiss to his palm. “I just wanna make this okay.”

“It’s gonna be okay. I don’t think this is gonna happen again, now that I know what triggered it.”

“Okay,” Sebastian whispered, pulling Sam into a fierce hug.

_I love you. I’m so sorry._

Sebastian repeated the words in his head, over and over, trying to urge them from his lips, but as he opened his mouth, it felt as if it was stuffed full of cotton. He wanted so badly to reassure Sam and make him feel alright again after the terrible trauma he’d been through, but now probably wasn’t a good time to be making confessions. 

He settled for holding his boyfriend in his arms. Sam had drifted off to sleep at some point. Sebastian could tell by the way his breath rose and fell slowly and peacefully. Sam probably needed to rest, and Sebastian was more than happy to oblige. He gently tucked his nose into Sam’s golden hair as he listened to him breathe. It was more than an hour until Sam woke up to Jodi’s knocking.

“Hey, boys, we already finished, but there’s leftover pizza,” Jodi called through the door. “Help yourselves if you like.”

“Sammy, pizza,” Sebastian said, nudging Sam awake.

“Hmm? Dinner already?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian said, running his fingers through Sam’s hair as he spoke to him softly. Sam blinked at him with his bleary eyes before planting a kiss on his lips.

“Okay, okay,” he said with a smile. “We should call Abbs and see if they need any help. I bet she’s going crazy right now.”

“Only a week to go, poor Jon,” Seb chuckled.

“What’s this?” Sam picked up the vaporizer Sebastian had left on the dresser. It was purple, and Sebastian had already scratched the trademark S into the tank. Sebastian couldn’t help but smile as Sam grinned at him. Turning it over in his hands and pushing the button on the side, Sam’s face lit up as he came to the realization that Sebastian was quitting smoking.

“Baaaabe! What is this!?”

“Did you just call me babe?” Sebastian said.

“This is a vaporizer!” he squealed, taking a hit. “Oh my god, and it’s not pot! SEB!”

“I’m just trying it out, okay? I don’t wanna make any promises I can’t ke-”

“I’m so fucking excited!” Sam said excitedly, his eyes lighting up and a massive smile growing across his face. The excitement seemed to radiate throughout his entire body. Sam lifted Sebastian off the floor in a massive hug and kissed him.

“Put me down!” Sebastian laughed.

“You’re quitting!”

“I’m quitting!” Sebastian repeated. Sam set him down on his feet, but not before giving him another kiss.

“This makes me so happy.”

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was really hard for me to write- the writing of PTSD flashback comes from a VERY personal place. i understand that this probably was as hard for others to read as it was for me to write- if you need to get things off your chest, chew me out, rally with me, whatever, please, reach out. you can find me at littlestlittlecakes.tumblr.com where i lurk many hours of the day and night!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a LOT MORE WRITING than I thought it would!! What was supposed to be two chapters for wedding/reception is now three. oooooooops. hahaha. Anyways. I figured we all needed something a little lighter after the last chapter was so heavy. Enjoy!

A small pile of necessities had been accumulating outside of Sam’s bedroom door all afternoon. Amps, switchboards, the drum kit, his electric and acoustic guitar, basically of his music equipment, was piled high. He nervously compared lists in his notebook while fretting over MeTube on his phone.

“What about this song? Do you think Abby will like it? Jon mentioned he liked punk…” Sam mused.

“Sammy. _No one listens to punk at a wedding_ ,” Sebastian reminded him. He was laying in Sam’s bed, vaping and playing a video game on his laptop.

“How are you so relaxed about this!?”

“First of all, I didn’t get assigned a job at this wedding,” Sebastian replied. “Secondly,” he began, waggling his vaporizer at Sam, “Nicotine all the time.”

“I can’t decide if that thing’s better than the cigarettes, or worse,” Sam complained.

“Well, I got bubblegum flavored… per your request. ‘So I taste all sweet and sugary’,” he teased. “That’s better than tasting like tobacco.”

“True, it’s a big improvement,” Sam said with a smirk as he bent over to hover his lips over Sebastian’s. Sebastian sighed before quickly looking up to peck his boyfriend on the lips. “Come on, put Harvest Sun away, we have to go. Abby’s making pizza!”

“You’ll do anything for pizza,” Sebastian groaned.

“Anything, especially if you’re asking,” Sam said coyly, winking at Sebastian.

“Oh, I like you,” Sebastian sighed. _I love you_. He reached his hand up to pull Sam down for a kiss before they left his room. He abhorred the fact that they still had to play it straight in front of his parents... In front of everyone. Sebastian could feel his heart sink as he thought about it.

“See you at the wedding tomorrow, guys. We’re staying at Abby and Jon’s tonight to help with wedding stuff,” Sam said, waving to his family. They were looking positively boring, sitting around the couch, staring at their TV.

“Oh, we aren’t going. Didn’t I tell you?” Jodi said with a frown.

“Base stuff. Confidential. Vince is staying over at Jas’s for the next few days. We won’t be back until next week.” Kent grunted.

Whatever weight was hooked to Sebastian’s heart was lifted. It instantly began racing a mile a minute. They would be gone. Sam’s parents would be gone. This was their chance at being ‘out’, existing as a couple in whatever context they wanted. Sam would maybe be brave enough to come out to the other people in town. Maybe.

“Oh man,” Sam said, trying to sound disappointed. “Well, have a safe trip.”

“Bye, sweetie,” Jodi said, hopping off the couch to kiss Sam. She whispered in his ear, “please, please, call us if you have a problem.”

“I’m gonna be fine,” Sam replied shortly.

“Behave yourself,” Kent added.

Sam stared at his father. It was like watching one of those old-timey gunslinger duels in those westerns his mom loved so much. The tension was palpable. Sebastian didn’t know if Sam would fight back or submit. Trauma like he’d experienced- trauma that Kent had submitted him to, whether Sam liked to admit that to himself or not- changed a person. Changed a relationship. He watched anxiously, and what felt like an hour was only a moment.

“Bye,” Sam said quietly, grabbing some of his stuff and heading out the door. Robin had loaned Sebastian the truck for the evening to help Abigail with the wedding, particularly with all of Sam’s equipment. They would use to to move things to and from the Saloon, as well as transport Abigail when she was in her dress. Oh, that dress… Sebastian rolled his eyes as he thought about it.

Sam heaved his amp into the back of the truck. The casing cracked a little on a corner when it made contact, but Sam was already making his way back toward the house. Sam worshiped his music materials, tossing them around carelessly wasn’t his style.

“Hey, what’s up with you?” Sebastian grabbed his arm.

“Nothing,” Sam said, trying to pull his arm out of Sebastian’s grip.

“Sammy,” Sebastian pleaded.

“I just wanna get away from here right now,” Sam sighed. “I don’t wanna be here, with him, every time I look at him, it just reminds me of what happened.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Sebastian said, trying to soothe Sam. He laced his fingers with Sam’s. Sam gave his hand a tight squeeze before letting go.

“Not out here, they’re sitting right in there and could look out the window and see us,” Sam fretted. Sebastian looked wistfully at his boyfriend, who was already making his way back inside the house. Pulling his vape out of his pocket, he walked around the truck to sit in the driver’s seat with the window rolled down and watch the light of the streetlamp shimmer in the water of the creek while he smoked. He listened to Sam take out his frustrations on his drum kit, then his other amp and lastly his suitcase, before climbing into the cab of the truck. His breath was heaving.

The old truck shuddered to life as Sebastian made his way out of town and through the forest. The ancient dirt path winded past the old ranch south of Jon’s farm, past the pond, and up to the farm’s southern gate. Jon was standing there, waiting to open it for the truck. He waved to stop Sebastian before driving through.

“Hey man, I am so glad you guys are here. Abigail’s losing her mind,” Jon whined.

“Already?” Sam said.

“It’s been like all week but I think tonight might be the worst I’ve seen her. She’s obsessing over the way her dress looks, but I’m not allowed to see it. Can you guys help her with it?”

“You don’t care if we see your fiance half-naked?” Sebastian asked.

Jon’s face turned red. “Well, uh, see, Abigail kind of told me… stuff? So no, I’m not worried...”

Sebastian shook his head and he swore he could hear the voice in Sam’s head shrieking.

“Don’t tell anybody,” Sam warned.

“I know, I know, but she’s almost my wife, dude. And I’m almost her husband. We don’t keep secrets between us,” Jon said with a smile. “You guys understand, right? What it’s like to be with someone you would never keep distanced from yourself with something as silly as a secret.”

Sebastian blushed. Of course, he was keeping a secret from Sam. It wasn’t a bad secret. It was wonderful, in fact. It was a secret that Sebastian had never had to keep from someone before… he just didn’t know how to tell Sam how madly in love with him he was.

“Anyway, I’ll close the gate and see you up there,” Jon said, waving them off. Sebastian put the truck in gear and drove slowly down the narrow road between empty gardens. It was the end of the season, meaning the beautiful pumpkins Jon had grown were probably already in the village square, ready to decorate the plaza for the wedding.

Sebastian was trying hard not to think. He knew that if he let that little dark cloud in his brain open its mouth, it would shower him with melancholy. Sadness over Sam’s insecurity. Sadness over his own inability to be brave enough to share something wonderful with someone he loved. His breath hitched in his chest and he held it as long as he could.

Sam started laughing. The laugh came from deep in his gut and rang out of his mouth like a church bell, deep, brazen, full and golden in sound. Sebastian looked at him bemusedly out the corner of his eye to watch tears roll down his face. Either Sam had lost his last marble, or he was finally capable of reading minds and was howling at Sebastian’s ridiculousness.

“She told him! She fucking told him,” Sam said between laughs.

“Yeah,” Sebastian said warily, smiling at Sam’s laughter.

“I don’t fucking care. I just don’t!” Sam laughed.

“So you’re laughing because…” Sebastian began as he turned off the engine of the truck.

“Because it feels so good, it feels so good not to care about that, and I feel so, so silly that I did,” Sam laughed.

Sebastian grinned at him. Sam took his hand and pulled him into his chest as the laughter continued. He was wheezing and wiping tears from his face as Sebastian pulled his knees up to his chest and curled into Sam. The chilly air outside permeated the old cab, making it easy to see the air puff out of Sam’s mouth as he chuckled.

“It’s a relief.” Sam said quietly. “I dunno, I just wanna be together. I just wanna be happy. You make me so happy, Seb, it feels stupid to hide that from everyone.”

His heart was going to burst. It was so full, disgustingly so, that he thought it might just pop in his chest and he would die right there in Sam’s arms and that would be fine. What a fine way to go, in the arms of someone he loved with all of his heart. Sebastian took Sam’s face in his hands and kissed him, urging all of his happiness into that one kiss. He could feel Sam smile as he returned the affection.

“Nerds!”

Abigail pounded against the truck window. Her purple robe was held closed by her clenched fist. A smear of pizza sauce was on the front left pocket.

“The pizza is done and my dress is a fucking disaster and get in here!”

Sam sighed as he opened the door to the truck and hopped out. Sebastian grabbed their suitcases and carried them inside. Garnet, Jon’s little calico kitten, rubbed her legs against Sebastian as he stood on the porch, half-listening to Abigail’s rant about… what was it? Something about how chiffon had no give, and if she was going to lace that dress all the way up the back herself it would be a goddamn miracle.

“Can we go inside?” Sebastian asked, lifting the two suitcases in his arms.

“Oh, babe, I’ve got mine, thanks,” Sam said, taking his with a smile.

“Ugh, god, pet names, what has happened to you two?” Abigail whined. Sam looked at her and raised his eyebrows. “Just stop!”

Sebastian felt his breath catch in his throat as Sam leaned over and placed the most delicate of kisses on his lips. His face was burning red, he just knew it, as Abigail looked at them with shock and awe. The shock turned to one of displeased adoration.

“Fine, you adorable gaybies. Whatever.”

The smell of pepperoni pizza hit Sebastian’s nose as soon as they walked in. It was so obvious that Abigail had taken over the place. Jon’s beautiful black leather sofa had a huge, fluffy Junimo Cart blanket wadded up on a cushion, with an old Gamesquare controller sitting atop it. There were paintings of skulls, bats, all kinds of creepy creatures hanging on the walls. David Jr.’s cage was in the corner of the room. Sebastian could hear his happy squeaks from across the room.

“Pizza! Yes!” Sam dropped his bag next to the couch, grabbed a slice in both hands, and sat on the floor next to the tv, taking alternate bites from each slice. A dribble of grease dripped down his chin and plopped right onto his yellow shirt.

“Pig! Don’t spill on the floor!” Abigail hissed.

“Goddamn, aren’t you s’posed to be all happy and stuff? You’re getting married tomorrow,” Sam said with a mouthful of pizza.

Abigail sighed and plopped on the floor next to Sam.

“She’s nervous,” Sebastian said, leaning against the wall and taking a drag from his vape.

“Abby,” Sam said in a whisper. He could hear Jon messing around with his casks in the cellar, “you aren’t gonna dip, are you? Jon would be so sad.”

“No! No way! I love Jon so much, I’m so thrilled that we’re getting married.”

“Then what’s got you so grumpy?” Sam asked.

“I just… ever since we got engaged, I feel like the three of us aren’t close at all anymore. Hell, you two went and now you’re together,” Abigail sighed. “It’s not that I’m not happy for you- I so, so am- it just made me realize how far apart we’ve grown, and it’s my fault,” Abigail began to cry, “oh my god, I’m crying, and it’s so fucking gross.”

Sam swooped up Abigail in a big hug, minus the hands, which were covered in pizza grease. He pressed his arms into her back, trying to squeeze her. Abigail wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into her shoulder.

“I’m just so emotional right now!” Abigail cried.

“What, are you pregnant or something?” Sam joked. Abigail looked at him, and then started crying harder. “Jesus, fuck, you’re pregnant.”

“And the b-b-baby’s gonna take even more time away f-from us!” she sobbed.

“We’ll just have to come over more,” Sebastian said calmly. He sat down on the floor next to Abigail. “When did you find out?”

“L-last week.”

“That’s good, then it looks like you guys just got married and decided to have a baby right away!” Sam said cheerfully. “I’m excited to be Uncle Sam. I’m gonna teach him how to skateboard.”

“You don’t even know the gender yet, doofus,” Abigail said, smiling through the tears.

 

“Her, whatever. I don’t care, I’m just happy for you,” Sam said, hugging Abigail.

“Me, too,” Sebastian said quietly, smiling kindly at Abigail. Abigail started crying again.

“Aw, Sebby, come here,” Abigail said, pulling him into her arms.

“Group hug, so sweet,” Sam said, resting his head on top of Abigail’s.

“Ugh, no,” Sebastian said, trying to pull away.

“You guys are so sugary sweet, it’s kind of gross,” Jon chuckled, as he emerged from the cellar and popped open a beer.

“So we’re supposed to help you with your dress,” Sebastian said, pulling away from Sam and Abigail’s sappy display of affection, “We better figure it out now so we don’t have to worry about it tomorrow.”

“Right, okay, so on the corset, you have to lace up the ties before you can work the bustle…”

“Isn’t the bustle a dance move?” Sam asked.

“No, Sam,” Abigail said, wiping tears from her face.

“Oh, right, it’s a sandwich.”

“Sam,” Abigail warned. He grinned unabashedly at Sebastian.

“He’s cute, you have to admit it,” Sebastian muttered.

“He’s cute but he doesn’t have to be a dick!” Abigail complained.

______________________________________________________________________________

“Sebby, have you seen my tie?”

“Sam, you didn’t pack a tie, did you?”

“Can I borrow your bowtie?”

“No, I’m wearing it,” Sebastian scolded. He was leaned over the bathroom counter, shaving off the stubble that had grown over the past few days. He could see Sam’s bare ass in the mirror, bent over and digging through his suitcase. He grinned as he nearly cut his jaw.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll just go tie-less I guess. Oh! There it is! Why did Abigail pick a masquerade ball as a wedding theme?? Couldn’t she have picked pajama party?” Sam said begrudgingly as he pulled on a pair of pineapple boxer briefs and his navy blue dress pants over them. He deftly tucked his black dress shirt, decorated with golden lilies, into them before tying a matching gold tie around his neck.

“Pineapples?”

“They’re my lucky pair!! Because my hair kind of looks like a pineapple,” Sam said, patting the spikes he’d carefully gelled. Sebastian snorted as he rinsed the last of his shaving cream away. Sam patted his ass as he walked by and whistled. “Let’s just stay here. We can tell Abigail we’re sick or something.”

“She’ll murder us and you know it,” Sebastian said, putting on a black button-up and a black suit jacket. It was all black, and it was perfect. Of course, if it were up to him, he would have picked pajama party, too. He resigned to struggling against his bowtie, which would not sit straight. Sebastian mumbled curse words under his breath.

“Are you guys ready?” Abigail hollered up the stairs. “I need help getting into this monstrosity!”

“Be right there!” Sam yelled. “Oh, Seb, your bowtie’s all fucked up. Let me fix it.”

Sam smiled sweetly at Sebastian as he undid the horrendous knot that Sebastian had managed to tie into his bowtie. Sebastian scowled as he stared off out the window. He could see the sun just barely beginning to dip in the sky. A sunset wedding was beautiful, he thought. He could do a sunset wedding. Maybe Sam and he could-

_No. Fucking stop that. You can’t think about weddings with someone you can’t even manage to tell ‘I love you’ to._

Sam was still working on Sebastian’s bowtie as he looked up at him shyly. A rare serenity seemed to grace Sam’s face as he focused intently on the job at hand. Sebastian fingered the soft silk of Sam’s tie as he waited for him to be done.

“You look really handsome,” Sam said with a blush.

“Stop,” Sebastian grumbled. He felt his ears growing pink. Sam lifted his chin to look at him.

“I’m serious, babe, you’re a stunner,” Sam said, kissing him softly. “I’m lucky I get to stand next to you all night.”

“Sam,” Sebastian whined.

“You love it and you know it, stop.” Sam teased sweetly.

“I know,” Sebastian muttered, barely audibly. Sam heard it, though. Sebastian knew it because of the shit-eating grin on his face.

“Let’s go, beautiful! The bride is waiting for us!”

“You’re the fucking worst,” Sebastian said, unable to fight back the grin.

Abigail was standing at the bottom of the staircase, holding a huge mass of lavender tulle, satin, and chiffon up around her. The corset hung loosely around her chest. The boys had already learned what to do the night before. Sebastian helped Abigail hold the weight of the dress up while Sam tied the corset tightly at her back.

It really was beautiful, as over-the-top as it was. She’d insisted on it. (‘If Jon’s only wish is that he has a big, traditional wedding, then I’m wearing the damn princess dress. It just has to be purple.’) It fit snugly around her torso. Lucky for Abigail, the baby bump wasn’t noticeable at all yet, especially under the corset. Her hair was sleek, and tied up in a bun, with lots of curly tendrils and braids. Haley really had done her magic that afternoon.

“You look amazing,” Sebastian said with a smile.

“Seb, don’t start, this makeup has to last all night,” She said with a wistful smile.

“Okay, you look like a troll. A very pretty troll.”

“Better.”

Sam helped Abigail into the truck and stuffed her dress in behind her.

“You look like a big, purple marshmallow, Abigail! You’re lucky the dress fits in there,” Sam chuckled before hopping into the bed of the truck. They’d dropped the amps and instruments at the Saloon earlier that day, so Sam had lots of room to stretch out. Abigail rolled her eyes at him, but remained nervously quiet as they drove back down the narrow farm road, through the forest, and into town.

Parking the truck across the street from Emily and Haley’s house, Sebastian was quick to hop out and help Abigail. Haley was standing by her house with her camera. She squealed as Abigail stepped out and fluffed her dress. She snapped as many pictures as Sebastian thought was humanly possible before pushing Sebastian and Sam to the side.

“I need a picture of the bridesmaids,” Haley teased. “Get close!”

Sebastian was taken by surprise as Sam took him by the elbow, pulling him even closer than Sebastian thought Sam would be comfortable with. Their hips were touching, and Sebastian could feel Sam’s hand touch his waist. He hoped Haley wouldn’t catch the look of surprise on his face. At this point, there was no way they wouldn’t look like a couple.

“Oh, cute, you guys would make a super cute couple, you know, if you weren’t so busy being dorks all the time,” Haley said. “Seb, smile, okay? Yeah, I guess that’s good enough.”

“He looks like that all the time. Grumpy.” Sam teased.

“We’re ready for the bride!” Emily said, poking her head around the corner.

“You ready?” Sam said, letting Abigail take his arm. Abigail nodded as she blinked back tears. He fished a small, blue handkerchief out of his pocket and gave it to her to dab at her eyes carefully. She tried to hand it back, but he refused.

“Something borrowed, it’s good luck, right?” he smiled.

Oh, be still his fucking heart, Sebastian thought. If that boy could get any damn sweeter, he was going to make Sebastian sick with love. Sebastian was starting to think it could only get worse, that lovesick feeling. Every time he thought he loved Sam enough, it became more. And more. That bursting feeling in his chest was only growing exponentially by the day. He would have to bite the bullet and tell him.

What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he turned his back on Sebastian forever? What if it was horrendously awkward and Sam broke up with him? It was agonizing, listening to and watching all those terrible thoughts and visions bounce around in his skull.

Fuck it. Just… fuck it. He would have to do it. What better time than at the wedding of their best friend? She’d already set this romantic scene up, got the food, the booze… it was perfect timing. If only Sebastian could bring confidence, bottled up like the champagne or delicately wrapped like a present. If only.

Sam helped Abigail navigate the cobbled plaza in her high heels. Evelyn, Caroline, and Robin had done an amazing job decorating the outdoor space. Intricately carved pumpkins with flickering candles in their hallowed mouths lined the aisle. Cinnamon and maple leaves, carefully braided into beautiful wreaths of amazing smells lined the back of every chair. The archway, under which Jonathan stood in his midnight purple suit, was decorated in lights of every shape and size.

Pierre took his daughter’s hand with a sad smile as they waited for Sam and Sebastian to take their seats up front. They were seated next to Robin, who was fanning her face rapidly with the back of her invitation. Demetrius couldn’t help but smirk at her.

“Your mother’s been doing this all day,” he whispered.

“I’m just- I’m so happy for Abigail, and you boys- you boys are so beautiful,” she whimpered. Sebastian draped his arm over his mom’s shoulder and hugged her close. Sam, to his surprise, took his free hand and held it in his lap. Now he could see why people cried at weddings. Being surrounded by those you loved, while seeing something special and once-in-a-lifetime for someone who really mattered to you… Sebastian tried his best to choke the emotion back down and handle the situation calmly.

“When Jonathan first arrived in Pelican Town, no one knew if he’d fit in with our community…”

Lewis had a habit of rambling on. He was engrossed in telling the riveting tale, from his perspective of course, of how Jon and Abigail had gotten together. He’d missed the drunken make out session in Sebastian’s basement last summer, and their fight over which rotten fish to put in the soup at the Luau that really brought them together, but he’d gotten it for the most part.

Sam squeezed his hand tightly as the couple spoke sweet, sappy vows to each other, promising to never part, to always be good to each other, and to love each other ‘til death do part. Sebastian could feel his heart hammering away in his chest as Sam leaned against him. There they were, in the front row at Abigail’s wedding, holding hands and cuddling up like any normal couple would in public. Sebastian had never guessed this time last year, that he and his best friend… well, that Sebastian could   
be so in love with his best friend. He couldn’t speak for Sam.

“I now pronounce you man and wife!”

Abigail and Jon kissed passionately, yet modestly, for the sake of Abigail’s parents. The whole town broke out in raucous applause and cheering. Sebastian couldn’t help but whoop along with Sam as Abigail and Jon looked positively thrilled.

“Okay guys,” Sam said as he stood on his chair. “Oh my god, guys. HEY! The reception’s being held in the Saloon, where Gus is going to be helping out with the food and drinks and stuff. Dancing’s going to be out here in the plaza after dinner. Abigail and Jon wanted me to tell you guys thanks for coming, and they can’t wait to talk to and see everybody!”

Sebastian stood and offered a hand to Sam, who graciously took it as he stepped down off of the wobbly, plastic rental chair. Sam, muttering something about getting the music ready, jogged off to the Saloon before the rest of the crowd could get there. Robin tugged gently on Sebastian’s sleeve.

“Sammy looks very comfortable with you,” Robin said gleefully.

“Yeah, uh, that’s definitely a new development,” Sebastian said, scratching the back of his neck.

“That’s good!” Maru chimed in. “We were just talking the other day about how you two need to get it together!”

“You guys talk about us?!”

“How could we not?” Maru said, giggling with Robin. Sebastian rolled his eyes. Of _course_ they did.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few songs in this chapter which I do not own, haven't written, yada yada yada, here's the link to the Sunshowers playlist where you can find these tunes (and many more, oh wow): 
> 
>  
> 
> [Sunshowers Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFS0ANBCLswNrh3IvpIvxsmhDYjI1ltvR)
> 
>  
> 
> The two songs featured in this chapter are "Oh, it is Love" by Hellogoodbye and "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional. Give them a listen, they really are wonderful, and really set the mood for the chapter. ESPECIALLY Dashboard Confessional.

Sebastian walked with Maru and Penny into the Saloon. The whole town was milling around in it. Most of the tables were already full. He could see Gus and Emily at the bar, pouring bubbly and other drinks. Shane waved him over to his usual spot at the bar.

“Have you seen Sam?” Sebastian asked as he looked around the room.

“I saw him take all that… music stuff or whatever outside,” Shane said waving at the front door. “Said to tell you not to worry about it.”

“Wow, and you actually listened,” Sebastian snorted. Shane flipped him off.

“Beer, Seb? Champagne?” Emily asked, leaning against the counter.

“Everyone’s starting early.”

“Hey, it’s a wedding. Oh, we also have sparkling cider. I guess it’s Abigail’s favorite.”

Sebastian snorted.

“Is that funny? Is it a joke or something?” Emily asked, frowning with confusion.

“No, no, you’re absolutely right. Can I have a vodka sprite?” Sebastian asked. Emily nodded with a smile and pranced down the bar. Sebastian looked over to see Shane intently watching her hips swing. He rolled his eyes. Emily made her way back with Sebastian's drink as well as two plates, laden with food.

“What’s this?” Shane grunted.

“Dinner! I know you guys aren’t going to go anywhere near that buffet table,” she said, pointing across the room to the buffet table surrounded by people. “So I thought I’d just fix you some plates.”

“Thanks,” Sebastian said gratefully. In all honesty, he was going to make his way over there. Someday. After all the people were gone. And maybe the food, too.

“Thanks, Em. You’re so sweet.” Shane said with a smile. Sebastian shot him an amused look.

“What?” Shane hissed.

“Nothing…” Sebastian rolled his eyes before tucking into the food. The two ate silently as they watched the crowd of people buzz around the room like bees in a beehive. He could see his family all sitting together, along with Penny. She and Maru were inseparable. It made him miss Sam a little, as much as he hated to admit it to himself.

Luckily, he didn’t have to miss him for long. Sam made his way across the crowd of people, holding a plate over his head. He smiled at Sebastian as he sat at the bar with him and Shane. Sam took a moment to catch his breath before tucking in to his massive plate of mashed potatoes.

“Wow, potatoes, huh? Anything else?” Sebastian said with a chuckle as Sam stuffed his face.

“Well, cake’s later,” he said, heavily muffled by the mouthful of potato. “Gotta save room for cake.”

“It’s gonna be good, chocolate fudge,” Gus said over the counter. “Evelyn made it.”

“Oh shit! That is good cake,” Sam said, his eyes sparkling. “I can’t wait… Evelyn’s chocolate cake…”

“Eat your… vegetables… first,” Sebastian teased. “If potatoes even count as vegetables.”

“They grow in the ground?” Sam said.

“Not vegetables. If you can make alcohol from it, it’s not a vegetable,” Shane grunted.

“Huh. I guess not. Potatoes make vodka, right?” Sam asked Shane.

“Sam,” Abigail called from her table. “Dancing soon?”

“Yeah! Got it! Bye, guys,” Sam called back. “Bye, babe,” Sam said, kissing Sebastian on the cheek and sending a ripple of ecstatic shock down his spine before hopping off his barstool and dashing away.

“Shit,” Shane said with a chuckle, “You guys are good friends.”

“H-he’s my boyfriend,” Sebastian stammered, watching the blonde head bob through the crowd and out the front door. He hopped up off of his barstool and made his way outside before he would have to fight through crowd of people. Sam hadn’t exactly told him what the plan was; all Sebastian knew was that Sam would be performing a few songs, namely the first dance, but after that it was up to his Apod playlist, which he had carefully curated.

There was a small stage against the wall of the Saloon facing the plaza. Several tall tables surrounded a makeshift dance floor in front of it. Everything was lit up by dangling, twinkling lights, tall candlesticks on the tables, and carved jack-o-lanterns. Sebastian had to hand it to Abigail… she was the only person he knew who could make spooky look so elegant.

He grabbed a seat at the tall table nearest the stage. It’s not like he would be dancing, anyways. Sebastian hated, hated, _hated_ dancing. Not only was he terrible at it, but everyone knew how much he loathed it and never failed to point out that he was dancing, and then proceed to watch him be terrible at it. Sam probably wouldn’t want to dance, either. Not at a huge public event like this, anyway.

Eventually, the crowd had filtered outdoors to the stage. There were enough tables for everyone, thankfully, so Sebastian didn’t have to share. He sipped his drink eagerly as he waited for the dancing to begin, so it could end. He just wanted to survive it without something embarrassing happening.

Sam trooped out on stage, holding a tiny ukulele. He looked less than thrilled about it. There were so many times he could remember Sam bitching about them, saying they weren’t real guitars and he couldn’t get the same range… yet here he was. Sitting on a barstool, in front of a mic, playing a ukulele. Sebastian wolf-whistled, making Sam shoot daggers his way.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Sam said loudly over Sebastian. “Would the bride and groom come to the dance floor for the first dance?”

Sam began the song, trying not to frown as he plucked twinkly little chords out on the tiny instrument. Sebastian was surprised that Abigail had picked such a happy little song for their first dance- until he remembered that fateful day at the Luau when the two of them fought… this song had been playing. He smirked. They were such sappy people.

“Oh, it is love

From the first time I set my eyes upon yours

Thinking, 'Oh, is it love?'”

Sebastian watched as Jon and Abigail danced rather awkwardly. They were good sports, he thought. IF, if, he had to remind himself with that word, if he and Sam ever got married, he would probably want a quickie at the courthouse and then they would jet away on their honeymoon without anyone ever knowing. Sam would probably want a ceremony, though. And dancing. Ugh, the dancing.

The applause began to die down. Rather than sit at their seats, though, Jon helped Abigail up the stairs to the stage and joined her. Abigail kicked off her heels as she sat behind the drum kit, while Jon fished out a bass guitar hiding behind an amp. Was the band… were they doing something? He didn’t see Sam bring his keyboard. He stood up, ready but confused.

“No, Seb, stay,” Sam said from the stage, holding up his hand.

“What the fuck?” Sebastian asked grumpily.

“Just wait a sec, I promise you won’t be confused for much longer,” Sam said with a smile. He got up on stage and slung his guitar around his neck before leaning over the drum kit to speak with Abigail. Sebastian watched as he straightened up, closed his eyes, and took two massive breaths in, out, in, out, before speaking into the microphone.

“Hi guys, um, I know this isn’t like, traditional or anything?” Sam said, laughing at himself. “The bride and groom want to help me perform a special song. It’s um, well,” he was laughing again, looking right at Sebastian. “It’s for you, Seb. I hope you like it.”

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Sebastian could feel every eye in the room examining his face for any kind of emotion. He could feel it, the anxiety, nipping at his heels like a hungry dog, while adrenaline started coursing through his veins. He was so excited, so terrified. It was really happening. Sam wasn’t hiding it. The blonde closed his eyes and Sebastian watched a breath shudder through his torso before he began playing.

“Breathe in for luck,

Breathe in so deep,

This air is blessed,

You share with me.

This night is wild,

So calm and dull,

These hearts they race,

From self control.

Your legs are smooth,

As they graze mine,

We're doing fine,

We're doing nothing at all.”

 

Sebastian curled up in his barstool, resting his forearms across his knees so he could bury the awed expression in the fabric of his suit jacket. His eyes laid upon Sam, watching the way he smiled as he sang, the love-laced expression on his face as their eyes locked. If there was any doubt from anyone that they were a couple, it was gone now.

Sam wasn’t hiding anymore and there was no way that Sebastian would, either. He put on his brave face, sat up straight, and watched his boyfriend play. Sam grinned at Sebastian as Sebastian allowed himself to relax. Sam probably knew how nervous it would make Sebastian… and how much he’d appreciate it.

"My hopes are so high,

That your kiss might kill me.

So won't you kill me,

So I die happy…”

He could hear the reactions of the others around the room, gasps, awes, whispers. Sebastian tried to focus on the music, on the man standing before him that he loved so dearly performing on the stage before him, for him. Sebastian would never be able to do something like this, not in a million years. Sam was tackling a fear so huge it had ruled their relationship for months, and here he was, doing it in front of everyone he knew. Pride swelled up in Sebastian’s chest as he bit his lip and smiled. Sam finished his song and set his guitar as quickly as he could on the floor of the stage, scrambling down the side of it amidst his applause.

“Sam-” Sebastian choked, fighting back the emotions as they cascaded over him like waterfall.

Sam wrapped his arms around Sebastian, pulling him to the edge of the barstool. He could feel Sam’s body trembling between his knees. Probably post-show endorphins, he thought.

“I know, that was probably embarrassing-”

“Sam.”

“-and terrifying for you but-”

“Sam.”

“-I’ve been planning it since summer when I wrote you the first song.”

Sebastian smirked at his boyfriend, pulling away from his embrace so he could touch his soft, warm cheeks with his hands. “I knew that was for me. I fucking knew it.”

Sam smiled and sighed as he rested his forehead against Sebastian’s. “Was it that obvious?”

“Oh, Sammy,” Sebastian sighed. Sam’s hands found his way to Sebastian’s face as they held each other in their arms, staring into each other’s eyes. Fuck everyone else, Sebastian thought. Fuck worrying about what they think or say or if they even watch. Sam tilted his chin up, slowly closing the gap between their lips, the anticipation and pride and fear and love swelling up so much inside of him that Sebastian thought he might explode.

Their lips touched and it was like the first time all over again. It was just as timid, filled with as much trepidation and caution. The blood pumped through his ears at what felt like a million miles a minute. It was now or never- if there was a better time for Sebastian to say those three little words, it wasn’t going to happen for a hundred years.

“I love you,” Sam blurted. “I love you so much.”

“Fuck,” Sebastian cursed with a laugh.

“That is _not_ how you respond to that,” Sam suggested.

“It’s just, I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks,” Sebastian laughed. “I’ve been trying so hard and I was _just about to say it_ -”

“OH! Then you say it, say it first.”

“I can’t, you already said it!”

“Then at least say it back,” Sam said, nuzzling his nose into Sebastian’s neck.

“I love you too,” Sebastian whispered, before hugging Sam as tightly as he could.

“Err…. cake?” Emily said, giving the boys a bashful look before setting down a piece of the chocolatey goodness Sam had been waiting for all evening.

“Thanks,” Sam stammered, letting go of Sebastian and standing there awkwardly. “Sorry, Em.”

“Sorry for what? Hugging your boyfriend? After _serenading him_? I think you earned a free pass,” Emily giggled. Sam blushed and smiled excitedly at her.

“Oh, shit, cake,” Sam said. He was about ready to attack it.

“Hold on, she only gave us one piece, hey, Em, can we have another piece?” Sebastian called.

“Sorry, you guys were so… busy… that all the other cake was taken. That’s the only piece left, and I snagged it before Elliott got to it!” she laughed.

“We have to share!?” Sam complained. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but that’s okay, I know how we can make it better,” Sebastian said, raising his eyebrows at Sam.

“I’m interested,” Sam said with a grin. Sebastian grabbed the slice of cake and beckoned Sam to follow him. They made their way past the stage and around the front of the Saloon without many, if any, people noticing, and slipped inside the front door. Gus and Emily were busy outside. The bar was completely empty.

Sebastian walked around the end of the bar. The wine cooler was in the corner, underneath the counter. He opened it and pulled out a bottle of champagne. Sam’s eyes lit up mischievously as Sebastian passed it over the counter.

“Babe, we can’t steal from the Saloon. That’s fucked up.” Sam said.

“It’s an open bar, plus, you emceed the whole thing, I figure one bottle of champagne is more than plenty payment from Abby and Jon,” Sebastian said with a smile. He vaulted over the counter and grabbed the bottle from Sam. It popped open with a tiny waterfall of bubbles spilling over the lip of the bottle. “Plus, we have a good reason to celebrate.”

“I stopped being a chicken?” Sam said proudly.

“Sammy, you never were a chicken. But no. We have…” Sebastian began, grabbing Sam by his necktie and leading him through the game room and into the room filled with casks and kegs. “...this private room all to ourselves. You. Me. This cake and a bottle of champagne.”

“You’re so smart, babe.” Sam said, lifting him onto one of the kegs so he was sitting tall enough to meet Sam eye-to-eye. Sebastian smirked at him before taking a fingerful of fudgy frosting and smearing it up the side of Sam’s neck. He was about to complain until Sebastian eagerly licked and sucked the frosting off of Sam, who hummed in delight.

“Super smart,” Sam whispered, kissing Sebastian deeply.

“Stop,” Sebastian said demurely.

“Nope, you’re smart and sexy and your ass is so good in these fucking pants,” Sam listed off before grasping Sebastian’s butt firmly.

“Shut up, drink some champagne,” Sebastian chided as he thrust the bottle in Sam’s face. Sam took the bottle, drinking a fair-sized portion in one go. Sebastian proceeded to loosen Sam’s tie and unbutton his shirt before kissing his neck. Sam helped him shimmy out of his suit jacket before taking his own off and laying them over a keg in the corner.

They kissed each other hungrily as Sam re-entered Sebastian’s embrace. There was something about kissing Sam in that dark, sultry part of the bar that made Sebastian’s heart race in his chest. Someone could come down that hallway and discover them.

So what?

Sebastian groaned softly as Sam nipped at the soft skin under his collar before fumbling with the buckle on his belt. He was eager to help Sam as he slid the smooth, black leather out from his belt loops. Their lips collided and tongues clashed. Sam’s hands deftly unbuttoned Sebastian’s pants and one slipped inside to find Sebastian’s quickly hardening member.

Sam massaged the tip of Sebastian’s dick with his thumb, eliciting a quiver from his partner. Precum spilled from it, which Sam used with a little bit of spit to lubricate his hardness. He could already feel himself trembling- where the hell did Sam learn to do all this? Sebastian twisted his fingers through Sam’s hair, clinging to his shoulders as he desperately tried to keep his balance between heaving breaths and slight shaking.

He was getting close already, how could this be happening so soon? Maybe it was that they were in the storage room of the bar, where anyone could find them in this compromising position, or possibly the fact that this was the first time Sam was really open with him in this way… Either way, he was here, in this room, with Sam. That was enough.

“Sam! Sebastian!” Abigail’s voice called from somewhere in the bar. “Are you guys in here?”

“ _Shit_ ,” Sebastian chuckled between heavy breaths.

“Sorry, babe,” Sam said, bending over to quickly lick the clear liquid oozing from Sebastian’s dick, sending shivers up his spine. Oh, he was going to be hurting from this later, but it was so, so worth it.

“It’s okay,” Sebastian laughed, tucking his diamond-hard dick back in his pants as Abigail’s heels clicked down the hallway. Sam stood in front of Sebastian, making a tiny window of privacy for him to get straightened out. “Thanks.”

“I got you. Sorry we didn’t, uh, finish, but we can work on that later,” Sam said with a wink. Sebastian grinned at him as Abigail made it into the room.

“Ugh, seriously? What are you guys doing in here?” Abigail demanded.

“Eating cake,” Sebastian said matter-of-factly.

“Drinking champagne!” Sam sang, waggling the empty bottle of champagne at her.

“Okay. Well, Sam, you have a giant smear of cake on your neck, and Sebastian, it’s all over your face. I can’t believe you guys were getting all hot and heavy with _my fucking wedding cake_!” Abigail groaned, covering her face.

“It was good cake?” Sam said cheerfully.

“Well, things are wrapping up. Haley wants to take pictures of everyone, so put your coats on, _clean the cake off yourselves_ , and get out there,” She said with a disbelieving smile before making her way back down the hallway. Sam turned back to Sebastian to grin at him.

“Where did you learn how to do all that? I thought you were supposed to be this awkward virgin,” Sebastian laughed.

“I, uh, I’ve been doing a lot of research,” Sam muttered with a shy smile as he shimmied back into his suit jacket and re-tied his tie. Sebastian was struggling, of course, to get his bowtie to cooperate. Sam immediately attended to it. He pressed himself against Sebastian’s crotch as he did so. Sebastian could feel Sam’s boner pressing against his own erection.

“Well, uh, it was some good research,” Sebastian smiled, pressing a kiss to Sam’s cheek as a thank you and hopping off of the keg barrel. The two walked hand-in-hand outside, where they found the remaining townsfolk all grouped together on the stage. Jon and Abigail stood on the ground just in front of the group.

“Ugh, finally,” Haley whined. “You two, get in on the right side, please. Sebastian, you’re in front of Sam, since he’s literally a giant.”

As Sam and Sebastian took their places on the side of the crowd, Sam laid his arms over Sebastian’s chest and rested his chin against the side of Sebastian’s head. Sebastian couldn’t help but actually smile as Haley snapped a few shots.

“Are you smiling? I know you hate smiling for photos,” Sam whispered.

“How could I not be smiling right now?” Sebastian said, rolling his eyes.

“Thanks so much to everyone for coming,” Jon said, “I just wanna thank Gus, Emily, and Sam especially for making our day so special.”

“We’re going home,” Abigail said, sighing happily. She was already resting her hands over her corset where a tiny baby was growing. “I’m so tired.”

“Oh! I’ll drive you!” Robin said excitedly. “We can take all the presents in the truck! Sebby, that’s okay, right?”

“Sam can leave his equipment at the bar,” Gus volunteered.

Sebastian looked at Sam, who shrugged and grinned. “Sounds good.”

Sebastian’s family left with Jon and Abigail. The crowd was quickly thinning out. It must have been late- checking his phone, he found it was nearly two o’clock in the morning. How had the evening passed by so quickly? Before he knew it, he and Sam were the only ones left under the twinkling lights overhead.

“What now?” Sebastian asked. Honestly, Sam could have suggested anything and Sebastian would have agreed. All he wanted right now was to be close to him. Hold him in his arms and cherish both him and this amazing evening.

Sam blushed. “Well, uh, my house is empty. No one’s going to be back anytime soon…”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments, kudos, bookmarks... they are really all so wonderful and I love all of you lovely readers <3
> 
>  
> 
> Questions/Comments/Concerns/Life questions: [tinyconfectionary.tumblr.com](tinyconfectionary.tumblr.com)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I've already thrown some trashy smut at you guys this week... don't let it taint the boys for you this chapter. hahaha.
> 
> warnings:
> 
> soft boys  
> hot chocolate  
> abuse of terrible Lord of the Rings jokes

Sebastian wasn’t a stranger to sex. In fact, he’d had sex with a fair number of partners, both men and women. He’d lost his virginity to a short-term girlfriend while in high school. They’d done it in the back of her car after school late one spring afternoon. He could still remember the smell of the old leather seats and the way he peeled his damp skin from it after she pulled her underwear back up under her dress before quickly exiting the car.

It had kind of painted the scene for the rest of his sex life. Quickies in odd locations, with people he never bothered to get to know very well. He’d always preferred it that way. It saved him from a lot of anxiety, heartbreak, guilt… it saved him from himself, in most cases. His sick mind would often tear him apart after spending multiple nights with one partner with thoughts of will-they-won’t-they, their feelings, and the days of missing calls and ignored text messages.

Yes, it was definitely easier that way. He never had to worry. It was always made clear when he met someone that there wouldn’t be a second time. Sometimes it hurt him more than he wanted it to, when he met someone that he thought he could actually like until he reminded himself that sleeping alone was easier than laying there, swept up in thought.

Sam took his hand and smiled at him as they walked back to his house. Stolen glances and subtle squeezes of his hand reminded Sebastian that he’d gotten so much deeper into this than he ever knew he would. Falling for Sam had never been part of the equation. Loving him as much as he did certainly wasn’t, either. This was new, alien territory; loving someone in a way that wasn’t completely platonic. His heart did backflips- and so did his brain.

Hands shaking, Sam struggled with his key in the lock of the front door. Sebastian took a deep breath as he watched him, as if he could breathe for Sam, ease his hands with the passage of air through his own lungs. Of course, he knew that wasn’t the case, but the sympathetic touch to Sam’s back seemed to ease his shaking hands and allow him to open the door. The house was empty and quiet. It was so bizarre compared to its usual clamor of people filling it to the brim with love, fights, and dirty dishes.

They’d reached another barrier, Sebastian realized. Though he didn’t like to admit it to himself, he was terrified to touch Sam. Touching him would lead to other things; things that they couldn’t turn back from. Things that would change them for what Sebastian was pretty sure was forever. Sex with his best friend… with Sam. Sex with Sam, he forced through his brain. He wanted to be sure of what he was doing, and he wasn’t about to allow himself to dance around the serious topic.

It seemed to be the same for Sam. The tall blonde man maintained a respectful distance between Sebastian and himself. Sebastian almost wished he would reach out and instigate, but he knew better. This was probably even more apprehensive for Sam than for himself. He wanted to reach out, comfort him, let him know that he was with someone who loved him so much for just being himself that it hurt sometimes; but the fear got the better of him, so he kept his hands to himself.

“So…” Sam whispered. “Do you wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure,” Sebastian said. “Which one?”

“Uh, looks like they took most of the movies with them… huh. There’s still King of the Jewelry, if you wanna watch that.”

Sebastian smirked. “You know I love that movie.”

Sam smiled back at him nervously before pulling the DVD from the shelf and sticking it in the player. “We should probably change,” he laughed, “I don’t really wanna sit there for three hours in this suit, watching a nerdy fantasy movie.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Good idea.” They retreated to Sam’s bedroom, where they quickly realized they’d left their suitcases, pajamas included, at Abigail’s house. Sam cracked up as the situation dawned upon him.

“Fuck,” he laughed. “You can borrow some of mine?”

Sam tossed him a pair of Zuzu Tunnelers pajama pants before pulling out his own favorite pair of black lounge pants.

“The Tunnelers? What the hell?” Sebastian laughed. “Who bought these for you?”

“Alex was my Secret Santa last year… I haven’t even worn them yet,” Sam laughed. “It’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Sap,” Sebastian muttered, holding the pants up in front of him. The ends trailed on the floor- they were way too long. Sam was already turned around, unbuttoning his dress shirt. It felt taboo to watch as Sam’s tan, freckled shoulders flexed as he pulled the shirt off. Sebastian blushed and turned around to change. It was frustrating- even the mere _idea_ of having sex had changed them. Sebastian fished a shirt out of Sam’s dresser… his orange one. It still smelled like Sam as he pulled it over his head, the wonderful, musky smell lingering in his nose.

“I’ll get us some drinks if you wanna go ahead and start the movie,” Sam said, walking into the kitchen. The movie was cycling through the menu animation as it patiently waited for them to return. Sebastian stared absentmindedly as his brain was busy whispering anxieties into his ears about anything and everything, their clamoring voices nearly deafening in his head.

 _Was it worth it?_ Yes, Sebastian told the voice. He loved this boy and everything about him, from the crazy hair atop his head to the holes worn in the soles of his sneakers. _But what if it doesn’t work out?_ I’ll worry about that when it happens, he told himself. _When._ _When it happens. Why does it have to work out that way? Why can’t I just…_

 _Why can’t I just let this happen and enjoy every moment of it? Why?_ So much fear, he thought. There’s so much fear I feel like I’m drowning in it. The fear was what always held him back, he realized. From leaving this stupid town, from telling Sam exactly how he felt, from letting himself fall in love with this person ten years ago. From allowing himself to open his heart and experience this tremendous love and affection that he’d closed himself off to for so, so long. _Why not now?_

“Here,” Sam said, handing him a steaming mug full of hot chocolate. Its aroma was lulling him and his evil thoughts. The voices quieted as his brain swum in the sea of nostalgia created between his ears by this lovely smell. It reminded him of so many winter walks with Sam around the edge of the lake. So many Winter Star feasts with him by his side. So many snow storms spent hiding in his basement. This smell was Sam.

“Thanks,” Sebastian said, peering in the cup. Cinnamon and nutmeg dusted the marshmallow cloud sitting atop the chocolatey drink. “You never forget.”

“The cinnamon? How could I forget that? You’re the only person I know who likes cinnamon in their hot chocolate.”

Sebastian couldn’t help his lip curl into a smile as he sipped it. The spice of the cinnamon, the creamy marshmallows, and sweet chocolate emulsified into a decadent flavor in his mouth. Sam sat on the couch and swung his arm over the back, making the perfect cranny in his body for Sebastian to sink into. He did so happily, enjoying Sam’s warmth pressed against his own. Sam grabbed the remote and flipped on the movie.

Sam fidgeted his foot anxiously as they watched. Sebastian picked anxiously at the skin on his fingers. It was so painfully obvious that they were nervous. Sebastian wondered if Sam was even watching the movie; he knew that he wasn’t. Sure, the pictures dancing across the screen made for something that was easy to stare at, but his brain was far away, fighting off dark monsters in a forest of anxiety.

 _Why not now? Why not now? Why not fucking now?_ Sebastian hadn’t had the courage to say it first. He hadn’t had the courage to ask Sam if there were feelings. He hadn’t even had the courage to close the gap and kiss Sam first that night on the docks. No courage, he thought, just a cowardly man who can’t show love because he thinks it’s some kind of stupid weakness. Sebastian sighed deeply through his nose and let his head lay across Sam’s chest.

Sebastian felt Sam’s fingers find their way to his head and gently run through his hair. He could feel Sam’s chest rise and fall unevenly; the movement was so cautious, as if Sam were asking for an invitation to touch rather than making the move for himself. Sebastian hummed as he rested his hand on top of Sam’s knee and drew little circles into the fabric of his pants with his thumb. It was like they were playing a game of chicken… the loser would certainly still win in some way, Sebastian snickered to himself.

A hot, calloused hand slipped under the soft, worn fabric of the orange shirt and caressed the pale skin of Sebastian’s stomach. Sebastian’s belly did acrobatics as he allowed himself to enjoy the touch, reminding himself to take it slow. Sam would engage when he was ready, as much as Sebastian wanted to jump his fucking bones. The hand moved cautiously from Sebastian’s abs to beneath the elastic of his pajama pants, examining every imperfection, every curve and angle as it made its way to the patch of red hair that trailed below his belly button.

“Sammy,” Sebastian whispered, as he reached his hand up behind his head to touch Sam’s cheek. He could feel a quiver as Sam took his palm in his and kissed it. Although the movie was playing, all Sebastian could hear was the heavy breath escaping Sam’s lips and the brush of fabric as Sam pulled him into his lap. Sebastian was quick to adjust so he was straddling Sam’s hips so he could take Sam’s face tenderly in his hands, brushing lips and cheeks, searching for the sign to hit the gas and go with this as hard as he could.

Eyelashes fluttered to reveal stony grey eyes, taking Sebastian’s breath away as he stared back into them. He was surprised to find no fear there… instead, just love and want, perhaps as much as Sebastian felt himself. Sebastian kissed him, craving the sweet taste of hot chocolate and Sam in between his lips. He wanted him to know how badly he wanted this, how badly he wanted to take the plunge into unknown territory.

“We should go to the bedroom,” Sam muttered, his lips dancing across Sebastian’s as he spoke in between hot and heavy kisses. Sebastian nodded, clambering off of Sam’s lap and pulling him to his feet, keeping their fingers laced tightly. He didn’t want to let go, _couldn’t_ let go, for fear that if he did he would retract so deeply inward he’d never come back out. He’d be a hermit forever, hiding in the shadow of Sam and the terrifying love that had wrenched itself so tightly in his guts that he knew he’d never fall out of it.

Sam laid down on the bed on the side nearest the wall so Sebastian could lay down next to him. They laid there, stealing glances, still holding hands so tightly Sebastian began to feel a tingle growing in his fingertips. Sneaky looks matched up as they looked into each other’s eyes. It was just the beginning, Sebastian realized. They were here. Both in love, both waiting anxiously as the other dared to take the first step.

The first step that really carried them out of friendship and into this crazy thing they knew was love.

“Ready?” Sebastian asked warily.

“Yep,” Sam said nervously before cracking a smile at him.

“Good,” Sebastian replied, placing a hand on Sam’s hip before whispering, “I love you,” while looking into his eyes. It was enough to make his heart race. Those simple words and just looking… it was more intimate than Sebastian had allowed himself to be with another person. Sure, he had sexual experience, but Sam had this way with others, this open, emotional side that left him far better prepared for this than Sebastian was.

“I love you too, come here,” Sam beckoned, sliding toward Sebastian on the mattress, kissing his cheek and neck with gusto. It was all Sebastian could do to hold Sam in his arms and experience the emotional, tender touching from his boyfriend. Sam’s fingers fumbled with the hem of Sebastian’s shirt as he touched the soft skin underneath.

Sebastian kissed Sam with nervous apprehension as he felt Sam’s tongue pass through his lips and mingle with his own. Hands feverishly explored each other’s bodies. They’d made out before with plenty of heavy petting, but this was _different_. The anticipation of what was to come made this feel like it was the first time all over again. Sam sat up to pull off his t-shirt before tugging on Sebastian’s shirt so he could do the same.

Sam’s skin was so warm, it was like it was on fire compared to Sebastian’s cool, pale skin. He couldn’t get enough of it as he raked his fingernails down Sam’s back, sending shivers down his boyfriend’s spine. Kisses were more like car crashes as they impacted again and again. Sebastian lost count of how many kisses they’d shared before Sam’s lips migrated from Sebastian’s lips to his neck and beyond. They closed around one of Sebastian’s pierced nipples and he felt a tongue pass over the barbell embedded in his skin, causing his eyes to roll back in his head.

Teeth followed tongue as Sam worked the other nipple with his thumb, looking up at Sebastian while he bit down on the barbell and pulled on it gently. Sebastian gasped and groaned as Sam smirked at him flirtatiously, pulling his lips back to show off the barbell gripped gently between his teeth. It made Sebastian squirm underneath him. He sat up, partially to escape Sam’s hold on him, but also to shimmy the blonde’s pants down his hips and around his ankles so he could kick them off. He stood to pull off his boxer briefs.

“Eager,” Sebastian teased coyly.

“I want you,” Sam replied, quickly yanking Sebastian’s pants down his legs and off in one swift motion, revealing his semi-erection. Sam’s eyes widened as he looked down at it, before looking up at Sebastian with a grin. He kneeled at the foot of his bed, grabbing Sebastian’s legs and pulling him to the edge of the mattress.

Sebastian shot up to a seated position as Sam’s lips caressed the head of his member. “Fuck, Sam,” he muttered roughly.

“Am I doing this right?” Sam asked before he slipped Sebastian’s erection into his mouth, letting his tongue drag down its underside as he took it all in. Sebastian nodded before letting his head fall back on his shoulders and closing his eyes. He felt Sam’s lips move up and down his shaft over and over again until he could barely hold himself together.

“Sam, stop,” Sebastian panted.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked, his hand still wrapped around the base of Sebastian’s dick, looking dejected.

“Nothing… I just... I don’t wanna come yet,” he breathed with a laugh. “Do you… do you know if you want to top or bottom? Do you care?”

Sam paused, looking bewildered until the light bulb flashed above his head and he realized what Sebastian was getting on about. “Oh… I don’t really know. Do you?”

“I’m, um… I usually like to top,” Sebastian said. “But I don’t wanna ask too much of you or anything,” he added quickly, his face flushed from embarrassment and sexual tension.

Sam shook his head. “You’re not. I uh, I got stuff,” he said, crawling across his bed to the dresser and opening his sock drawer. He pulled out a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. “Abigail kind of said she’d go to the store for me.”

“Dork,” Sebastian said, but it really was heartwarming. Sam cared enough to try to learn what to do instead of just waiting for Sebastian to do all the work. He took the lube from Sam to inspect it. “Good stuff, nice job.”

“Thanks,” Sam said bashfully. His cheeks were painted the rosiest hue. It brought out the faintest freckles across his cheeks.

“Lay down,” Sebastian whispered. Sam laid down quickly, pulling Sebastian down with him into a deep kiss. Sebastian kissed him tenderly before applying some of the lube to his fingers. “I’m just gonna… I’m gonna get you ready, okay?”

Sam nodded, pursing his lips before Sebastian kissed his cheek, his neck, all the way down to the base of his member. He slipped Sam’s cock into his mouth as he used his elbow to nudge his legs apart. Sebastian slowly worked his lips up and down Sam’s shaft as his fingers found Sam’s entrance. The muscles were tight with anticipation and nerves. Sam gasped as Sebastian gently began probing it with his middle finger while he sucked on the tip of Sam’s dick.

Sam whined his name as Sebastian slipped his finger inside, gently working at the ring of muscles, trying to encourage him to relax. He pulled Sam’s dick out of his mouth, using his saliva as lubrication briefly while he worked the shaft with his hand. As he felt the muscles begin to loosen ever so slightly, he slipped another finger inside. He quickly found Sam’s prostate, causing the taller man to moan loudly in surprise.

“You okay?” Sebastian breathed, leaning over to kiss his lover.

“Yeah, fuck, that feels good,” Sam keened, arching his back. Sebastian kissed him once more before pulling his fingers out of Sam’s entrance. Grabbing the box of condoms, he rolled one on before smothering it in lube. He positioned his tip at Sam’s entrance before looking up at Sam. He was laying his back, head propped up against the headboard, already panting from the work Sebastian had done with just his fingers.

As Sebastian slowly slipped inside of Sam, Sebastian pressed his forehead to Sam’s and looked into his eyes. He’d never felt more connected to Sam than he did in this moment. Sebastian had done it; he’d taken the plunge, took the first step, and now they were here. As Sebastian slid in and out gently, Sam groaned breathily. Sebastian realized that no-turning-back had happened a long time ago, when he’d pressed his hand into Sam’s and touched him intimately for the first time, so many months ago. What they were doing now… it was new, it was different, but Sebastian wouldn’t have it any other way.

He laced his fingers with Sam’s as he bent to kiss his neck. Sam’s free hand fumbled feverishly with the hair on the back of Sebastian’s head as he cried out; Sebastian knew he was hitting that sweet spot that he’d found so easily before.

“Faster?” Sebastian asked.

“Faster,” Sam begged.

Sebastian gradually quickened his pace as he caught Sam’s knees over his shoulders, holding him in place as he fucked him. Sebastian hunched over Sam as he began to feel the heat rising in his own erection. It was coming soon; he didn’t expect it quite so soon, but Sam was so tight and felt so good. Sam clenched around Sebastian’s shaft as he moaned loudly and incomprehensibly, pushing Sebastian over the edge. The pleasure was insane, sending cascades of heat rippling through his body. He collapsed on top of Sam, still inside him, as he panted heavily.

“Now you,” Sebastian muttered, slipping out of Sam and slathering his hand in lube before spooning Sam. He reached around him to grasp his hardness. Sam was quick to orgasm, surely from the lingering sensation of Sebastian’s cock buried inside him and the intensity of his first time. Sebastian grinned as Sam thrusted into his hand. He shivered and panted as he slumped into Sebastian.

Sebastian kissed the back of Sam’s neck as they laid there, basking in the bliss. It was better than Sebastian ever expected. Again, he was reminded that it always possible to love Sam more than he thought he did the moment before. However, he was cut short by the way his hand stuck to Sam’s skin. It reminded Sebastian that they were in desperate need of cleaning up.

“Let’s take a shower,” Sebastian whispered into Sam’s ear.

“Mmm…” Sam hummed, before looking over his shoulder to kiss Sebastian. “I guess so.”

“Trust me, you’re gonna want it,” Sebastian laughed. He stumbled as he got up, to Sam’s amusement. “Oh, you’re laughing now… you try to get up.”

“Sure, fine-” Sam was interrupted as he flopped out of bed and nearly hit the floor.

“Jelly legs.” Sebastian teased.

“Shut up, it’s your fucking fault,” Sam complained.

“Yes, it is,” Sebastian admitted, kissing Sam as he propped Sam up on his shoulder. “But you love me for it.”

Sam smiled as he turned the water on in his shower. The heat of the shower quickly filled the room with steam. Sebastian stepped in and gave Sam a hand in stepping over the tub wall. Sam slumped against him, pressing his smaller, slender body against the wall of the shower. He kissed all over Sebastian’s shoulder and neck.

“I want you again,” Sam murmured in his ear, the hot water pouring over their bodies. It was burning hot, but it felt incredible.

“I’m gonna need a minute,” Sebastian laughed.

“That’s fine. I can wait.” Sam whispered in Sebastian’s ear before biting down on his earlobe. Sebastian groaned as Sam pressed his hips against his.

It was going to be a long night.


	19. Chapter 19

Steam enveloped the bathroom, filling every square inch of the small room with its thick, hot moisture. The hot water was almost gone; Sam could feel the cool water striking his side as he braced himself against the shower wall. The whimper that escaped his lips was just loud enough for his partner to hear.

“Seb,” Sam uttered, as Sebastian clung to him. The slender yet muscular man had Sam’s back pressed against the porcelain tile with his leg over his shoulder. Sebastian gripped Sam’s hips firmly; if he held on any tighter, he’d leave new bruises to match the ones he made yesterday.

Sam could barely make out the words as Sebastian whispered, “I need you, Sammy.”

It was all he could do to smile as he panted and rested his head against the cool surface of the bathroom wall. Sebastian was in a deep trance as he rhythmically thrusted into Sam. The exhaustion of the past three days was beginning to show; Sebastian shuddered as his muscles strained to keep his frantic pace.

If only they could just stay here, where no one else mattered and they never needed to think of anything else. Where they could just be entranced by each other, enjoying the other’s physical presence and affection forever. While Sam knew it was futile to hope for such silly things, it was nice to think about; just the two of them completely absorbed in one another.

“ ‘m close,” Sebastian groaned, his hips bucking erratically into Sam’s. Sam could feel it as Sebastian came, his body collapsing against Sam’s before he quickly recouped and crouched on the floor of the shower to take Sam’s member in his mouth. He could feel his knees begin to shake as Sebastian massaged the tip of his erection with his tongue. Sam was already sensitive from the prostate stimulation. Sebastian quickly slipped Sam’s erection in his mouth and it was all over as Sam watched his boyfriend suck his cock.

The two could hardly keep upright. After three days, three glorious days of an entirely empty house and no visitors, they were exhausted. To say they were making up for lost time was an understatement. Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to walk straight for the foreseeable future.

“Come here,” Sebastian whispered, pulling Sam into his arms and kissing his forehead, cheek, chin, and lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sam whispered back, as he kissed his boyfriend tenderly. “Let’s just hide out in the bathroom forever. Together.”

“I wish, but the water’s getting pretty cold,” Sebastian mumbled. “Can we get out?”

“I guess,” Sam sighed, turning off the water.

The two dried off and then fell into bed together. Lazy kisses were shared in the light that spilled from between the slats of Sam’s window shades, casting warm stripes of light across the chilly room. They snuggled under the flannel sheets, clinging to each other’s warm bodies. The way they were tangled up in each other filled Sam’s heart with warmth and happiness.

“I wish they weren’t coming back today,” he mused aloud.

“Me too,” Sebastian murmured, kissing Sam’s jaw. “I’m getting pretty sore, though.”

“ _ You’re  _ sore? I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be able to sit down for like a week,” Sam laughed.

“Gross, dude!” Sebastian jabbed. Sam rolled away with feigned hurt on his face, but Sebastian wrapped his arms around his middle and pulled him close. “You don’t get to escape. You have to stay here with me until we hear the key turn in that damn lock. You’re mine.”

“Okay,” Sam sighed with a smile.

“Have you decided how you’re gonna tell them yet?” Sebastian asked quietly. His eyes were full of hope. It had been such a long time since Sam had seen Sebastian like this, brimming with happiness and optimism. Usually, a brooding sulk with traces of woe drew lines in his face like they were etched in stone. His features reflected the change; a brightness was there in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

It was wonderful, Sam thought, to have contributed so much to another person’s happiness, to know that he could make such a difference in another life, especially Sebastian’s. It was terrifying to know that he had such sway, like leaning in any particular direction would cast his dear love into an abyss of depression or blinding joy. He almost wished the middle ground was bigger.

Then there was the matter of his family. They’d come out to the town with such pomp and circumstance. It was almost like a show- hell, it  _ had  _ been a show. One that Sam put on personally for nearly everyone he knew to witness. He tried to tell himself he didn’t regret it- the look on Sebastian’s face and the way he felt in Sam’s arms was incomparable to any other moment of Sam’s life, ever- but the remorse in knowing that if he didn’t tell his family that he was gay, someone else would… it ate at his heart like maggots in the flesh.

“I haven’t… kinda trying not to think about it,” Sam muttered, deliberately staring at Sebastian’s full, slightly swollen lips instead of looking in his eyes, where he knew he would only see pain. He knew how badly Sebastian wanted everything to be in plain sight, how badly he needed the normalcy, the promise of every day, all the time… but Sam wasn’t sure if he could give it to him.

“Sam,” Sebastian sighed. Sam nearly winced at the sound of anguish and disappointment that painted his boyfriend’s voice in such a lackluster hue.

Sam dared to look, to glance into the eyes of the man he loved and see the pain that Sebastian tried so hard to mask with disappointment. He knew him well enough to see that for himself. It truly was like sitting in the middle of a seesaw, one that was keen on teetering every which way instead of laying faithfully balanced in the middle. Sam bit his lip and looked, stared, hoping that what he couldn’t say with his voice, he could say with his eyes. He gently took Sebastian’s hands in his as they lay side by side, sharing Sam’s tiny twin bed.

“You can’t  _ not _ tell them, Sammy… even if you don’t, someone else probably will mention it in passing, and you know that they can’t hear it from anyone but you,” Sebastian said pleadingly. “Hearing it from someone else is only gonna make bad things happen. Imagine your mom finding out from Caroline.”

“I know, I know, you’re right,” Sam admitted, rolling onto his back and pressing his palms into his eyes until he saw stars dance across the surface of his eyelids. If only they really could have stayed in the cocoon of warmth they’d made in the bathroom’s humidity and each other’s embrace. It was far easier staying there than facing the reality of life.

“Do it, do it today. When they get back,” Sebastian said, resting his head on Sam’s chest and his arm across Sam’s stomach. “For me. Please?”

“I will,” Sam said thickly. It felt like his throat was closing up and he couldn’t speak. He cradled Sebastian in his arms, listening to his breathing fall into a deep rhythm of sleep. Sebastian’s warm breath made his skin tingle and goosebump. He tried his best to preserve this moment in his brain, like catching a firefly in a bottle. It felt almost foolish; he knew the memory would fade from his brain like color from a photograph.

It was with that thought that Sam fell into a fitful rest.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

The heavy sound of the deadbolt turning in its slot woke Sam from his catnap. Sebastian was still sleeping, his soft skin warm against Sam’s. Eyelashes danced against faintly freckled skin as he stirred, pressing his face into Sam’s pectoral and groaning quietly. Sam smiled as he placed a kiss on Sebastian’s dark curtain of hair that fell haphazardly across his forehead.

“Seb, baby, wake up, they’re back,” he whispered somberly.

“Already? We fell asleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn,” Sebastian said sadly.

“Sammy? Are you home?” Jodi called.

Sam sighed in unison with his boyfriend, whose smile had a wistful note to it. They should be bustling around, making things look  _ normal. _ Normal. Who the fuck ever decided what normal was, anyways? Being intertwined with Sebastian felt normal. Really normal. Wake-up-doing-this-forever normal.

Facing his parents… telling them the truth about himself… that was not normal. That was terrifying in every single sense of the word. He could face a crowd of people and sing them a song that would tell them the story of his heart, but fuck if he could look his father in the eye and tell him the truth, knowing that the words volleyed back would be painful and pierce his heart like a lance.

“Yeah,” Sam called back. “Sorry, just woke up… uh… I’m naked in here, so don’t come in!”

“Eeew!” Vincent jeered through the door. “Naked!”

“Okay sweetie, sorry to disturb you. Pizza for dinner?”

“Sounds good,” Sam called as Sebastian crawled out of bed. He was quick to fish a clean change of clothes out of the backpack he’d brought with him. The typical hoodie, of course, preceded by a t shirt and followed by boxer briefs and ripped up skinny jeans, were thrown on quietly as Sam dressed himself in whatever pajamas he grabbed out of his dresser drawer first. The quiet that enveloped the room was one of a somber and tense nature; Sam could almost taste the apprehension.

“You’re gonna talk to them, right?” Sebastian whispered as he pulled open Sam’s curtains to his window. Sam nodded with an uncomfortable smile. “You can do it, Sammy. You gotta.”

“I know, Sebby, I’m just nervous, okay? I don’t know how dad’s gonna take it.”

“I know,” Sebastian said, cradling his boyfriends tanned cheek. “But I know you can handle it.”

Sam smiled before kissing him fondly on the lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sebastian said with a smile, before stepping out of Sam’s window into the glittering snow. Spirit’s Eve usually marked the last sight of grass and leaves on trees for the rest of the year. Sebastian hopped through the deep snow to reach the paved path, which had already been cleared earlier that morning. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Okay,” Sam said with a chuckle before sliding his window shut. The click of the window’s lock made him feel almost claustrophobic in his room. There wasn’t enough space for all of the thoughts, fears, hopes, and wishes that were swirling around his brain in a drunken dance, colliding and meshing together in both wonderful and horrific amalgamations. He stripped the clothes he just dressed himself in for warmer outdoor clothing and made his way through his bedroom window. He couldn’t go out there, couldn’t face his family. Not until he knew exactly what to say.

Sam walked with purpose to the farmhouse. It occurred to him that they might not want to be disturbed; they did just get married, after all. Maybe they were busy? It was too late, he thought to himself, as his freezing cold knuckles rapped on the front door, aching from the contact and the chill for moments afterward. Abigail opened the front door, still in her pajamas, with a steaming mug of hot, brown liquid. Whatever it was, it smelled amazing.

“Hi Sammy!” Abigail said cheerfully. “What brings you around?”

“Can we talk?” Sam said urgently, fiddling with the loose strings on the hem of his shirt. He felt the heat rising to his face and he was afraid to look her in the eye.

“Sure, Sam,” she said, her cheery demeanor tainted with apprehension. “Come in.”

Sam stomped his snowy boots on her welcome mat before coming in the house. The fire was roaring and their cat was sleeping on the back of John’s old armchair. A Winter Star tree was glittering in the corner and tinsel was strung from corner to corner. It was picturesque. Their little bubble, away from the world… it could be anything and everything they wanted it to be. It was their haven, and Sam was bubbling with envy that he and Sebastian couldn’t have a safe space like this one.

Dropping into the old armchair, Sam rested his elbows on his knees and took his head in his hands before sighing a weary sigh. Abigail handed him his own cup of what he realized was hot chocolate before perching on the edge of the coffee table in front of him. She was patient as she waited for him to swallow the ball of fear that was choking him and speak.

“Sebastian wants me to tell my parents about us,” he choked out.

“Duh, dude, you kind of already came out to the whole town,” Abigail said pointedly.

“Yeah, but that was  _ easy _ compared to coming out to my dad… my mom… oh god, Vince is gonna ask so many weird questions,” Sam groaned.

Abigail smiled a sad smile at him. “Sammy… I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”  
Sam swirled the marshmallows in his hot chocolate as he watched them dissolve into the rich, sugary drink, disappearing before his very eyes. He half-wished he could disappear, too. Of course, he would take Sebastian with him, and he would never have to worry about what his father would say or do.

“I love Sebastian, I really, really do,” he began.

“So why the hesitation then?”

“Do you know my dad?”

“Okay, okay, you make your point,” Abigail said with a groan as she got up from the coffee table and squished into the big armchair with Sam. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“My dad disowns me forever. He makes us break up. I dunno.”

Abigail looked at him, bemused. “Your dad can’t  _ make _ you break up, Sam.”

“But he can kick me out. And stop talking to me. They’re my family, Abbs, I can’t like, stop having them in my life.”

Abigail sighed. “Okay. So your dad kicks you out. Simple, you stay here with us. I’m pretty sure John could use help on the farm, and pretty soon I’m not gonna be in any shape to do hard labor,” Abigail said, patting her belly fondly. “And Sam, even if your dad can’t accept you… what’s it gonna change? Your mom and Vincent aren’t going to stop talking to you just because your dad’s a prude.”

Sam smiled at his violet-haired friend. Even if she wasn’t intending to be a mother so soon, he could tell she was going to be a great one. Abigail had always been the helper, the one who cared and did all she could for those she loved; those qualities guaranteed her to be fantastic at motherhood. He was grateful for her kindness and generosity now, hoping that down the line, he could still share her with whatever little people she and John made to join their family.

“You’re right, Abigail,” he said. “I.. yeah. Okay.”

He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but it wasn’t so simple. Abigail, while being the wonderful person she was, had no idea what it was like to try to come out to someone who had a particularly crushing set of expectations and plans for you, someone who was particularly terrifying when it came to getting upset and acting on those emotions blindly. Someone like his father.

No, this wasn’t gonna be simple. It certainly wasn’t going to be easy. Sitting here, talking with Abigail, it was just a way for Sam to procrastinate, to hold on to this sweet dream of having his wonderful family whole and a boyfriend he loved. An itch, a voice, and a terrible one at that, told him he wasn’t going to be able to have both. Trying to quiet the voice, he embraced his friend, thanked her for her help, and made his way back to his home.

“Hey! Where’d you go? Did you sneak out your window again?” Jodi chastised playfully. The family was already sitting around the table. He could see the pizza, still steaming in the box. Normally, his stomach would flutter happily for pizza and the smell would drive him to eat and eat and eat until his stomach hurt. Now, the smell nearly made him sick. His stomach was tying itself into knots he couldn’t possibly get out of. Jodi and Kent looked at him expectantly as he tried to act normal. He knew he probably wasn’t.

“Where’s Vince?” Sam asked nonchalantly.

“Oh, we let him stay at Jas’s one last night. They were having so much fun, and Marnie was glad to have someone around to distract her,” Jodi said cheerfully.

Sam nodded, taking a piece of pizza in his hands and putting it in his mouth. The motion felt almost robotic. He took a bite before setting it down on his plate and staring at it. If only Gus had written out the answer in pepperoni. Alas, Gus was no psychic, this pizza had no answer, and Sam was going to have to do this the hard way.

“I’m gay,” he choked. He realized that his mouth was still full of pizza and he was nearly incomprehensible because of it. Fuck. He was going to have to say it again.

“Okay? Okay what?” Kent said, furrowing his brow.

Sam swallowed hard, resisting the bile that was building up in his throat. Oh, god, he could feel it creeping up his esophagus like a spider. He closed his eyes tight and pursed his lips until they hurt.

“What’s going on, Sammy?” Jodi asked worriedly.

“I’m gay,” he squeaked.

If he wasn’t so freaked out, it would have been funny. Jodi coughed, as she received the news mid-bite. She began chewing as fast as she could; he knew his mother was far too polite to ever speak with her mouth full, and she probably had a lot to say. His mother wasn’t who he was worried about. He knew Jodi was probably gearing up to hug her son tighter than she ever had and fuss over how long he’d known.

Kent merely ate his pizza in silence. Saying nothing… doing nothing… non-reactionary. Sam almost wished that his dad would flip out, do  _ something _ to show that he’d at least heard the most important confession his son would make in probably his entire life. Instead, nothing. Like Sam hadn’t even opened his mouth.

“Sam! I am… it’s… wow! How long… who… oh baby,” Jodi said, squeezing his hand. “You know I love you and I always will no matter what.”

“Thanks mom,” Sam said with a smile and a sigh. The easy part was over. He looked expectantly at his father, who looked at him with a condescending look.

“What?” he said, taking another bite of his slice.

“ _ Kent _ ,” Jodi said, smiling with her face, but snarling with her voice, “Sammy just  _ came out to us _ , and you haven’t said a word.”

“Because it’s not true. It isn’t happening.”

“Dad,” Sam scoffed. “Just because you say that doesn’t make it that way…”

“Not if you wanna live in this house. Not if you wanna talk to your brother and be here around him,” Kent said pointedly, staring daggers at his son. “I won’t have you bringing that toxic shit into my house.”

“Kent!” Jodi hissed.

“Dad…” Sam said, crestfallen.

“It’s that boy, isn’t it? Sebastian,” Kent sneered, his voice absolutely dripping with animosity. “He’s always swayed you for the worst. The music, the clothes, the fucking hair,” Kent clutched his fork in his hand. Sam could see it shaking. “Now he’s got you thinking you’re a homosexual. He’s ruined you.”

Jodi was trying her best to insert herself into the situation. Maybe she would mediate or simply shut down the conversation and table it for later after she had a chance to work on Kent… Whatever her hopes were, they were dashed as Sam boiled over. He could handle his father put him down, but Sebastian? He couldn’t say a word about Sebastian, as far as Sam was concerned.

Sam said, standing up from the table, pointing a finger at his father. “Don’t you fucking talk about him that way.”

“Excuse me?” Kent said, standing up as well. He had at least half a head on Sam, making the tall blonde look shrimpy in comparison. “You’re gonna talk to me that way? After the shit you put us through with lies about your job and destroying my personal property? And now  _ this?”  _ Kent gestured at Sam, as if all of him was the problem.

“I don’t have to listen to you talk about him like that.”

“Right, you don’t. Now get out of my house, sort out the bullshit you just tried to pull with me, and come back when you fucking grow a brain.” 

Sam scoffed, moving quickly so they couldn’t see the tears. The pain. His heart was ripping in two, and the worst part was that he knew. He knew this would happen; his father could hardly accept him for who he was when he thought he was straight. How would he even begin to accept his son, whom he found constant disappointments in, as gay? Something he didn’t even believe could be long-lasting, a real, human thing?

He grabbed his backpack, shoving fistfuls of clothing in it haphazardly. Underwear, socks, jeans… it didn’t matter. Whatever he didn’t have, Sebastian would provide until Sam could figure out exactly what he was supposed to do to remedy this awful situation. He had an idea… he just had to talk to Sebastian about it first.

Sam pushed open his window and leaped out into the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just wanna say thanks for all your comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions. Your feedback really means a lot to me.
> 
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	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, remember when I was saying this was gonna be "short"? I rewrote the outline and now we are sitting at 35 chapters. This isn't short anymore. This fic has consumed my life.
> 
> That being said, updates are now being reduced to once a week so I can be sure that each one is up to snuff for y'all.

Sebastian was pacing nervously outside his house as he waited for Sam to come out to his family. The anxiety was nearly soul crushing. It felt like someone was holding him tightly around his chest, like he couldn’t get a decent breath in. His vaporizer didn’t leave his lips as he pulled his phone out every few minutes just to see the lack of notifications, even though he already knew there wouldn’t be any. They didn’t even plan on talking after, but Sebastian just knew deep in his guts that Sam wouldn’t leave him hanging.

He just couldn’t.

Not after the wedding, not after the intense weekend they’d shared together.

He decided to walk down to the lakeshore and try to calm himself. The sound of the water beating endlessly against the sand there always soothed him, and tonight was no different. Sebastian closed his eyes and took a deep breath from the vape as he talked himself down from the anxiety that was trying to incapacitate him.

Sam needed his faith right now. He was doing what scared him most, living up to his worst fears and facing them. Sebastian needed to trust that Sam would be brave and do the right thing, not just for Sebastian, but for himself. Sam would do it because he loved him, or so he claimed... 

Now was not the time for that ugly train of thought to leave the station, Sebastian thought. A shiver travelled down his spine as he bounced in place and tried to keep warm. Maybe Sam wasn’t telling them. Maybe he  _ did,  _ it went horribly, and he was on his way to break up with him in order to save his relationship with his father. Fucking Kent. Sebastian was always reminded of how he could dislike that man more than he thought previously possible.

Footsteps crunched through the snow in the distance. Sebastian knew it was Sam from the pace and the footfall. Sam took long, lengthy steps with his lanky legs. “Sam!” Sebastian called out, walking back toward his house. He could hear Sam’s sniffles from all the way over here.  _ Shit, _ he thought. It must have gone badly.

“Sammy,” Sebastian said, reaching out to take Sam’s hand. He wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace. Sam’s chest rose and fell more and more erratically the longer Sebastian held him in his arms until he was weeping. Sebastian could feel tear after hot tear dripping off of Sam’s chin and falling into his dark hair. He rubbed his back reassuringly and waited for him to speak.

“S-seb, it was h-h-h-horrible,” Sam choked out between sobs. “D-dad told me being g-gay was toxic sh-shit and…”

“Sam,” Sebastian whispered as his heart cleaved in two. It wasn’t like it was a surprise since Kent had already made his feelings about homosexuality known, although that knowledge wasn’t going to make experiencing it any less painful for Sam. He couldn’t imagine what it was truly like, but he knew it must have been horrible.

“He said I c-couldn’t come home until I f-figured out my sh-shit and… I d-don’t know how to d-do that, Sebby, I c-can’t not be gay,” Sam sobbed. “What if I can’t go h-h-”

It was at that moment that Sam lost whatever composure he had left, his slight frame crumpling into Sebastian. He braced himself as he held weeping Sam in his arms and ran his fingers through his soft blonde hair, whispering reassurances as he buried his nose deep in those golden strands. Sam was shaking, both from the emotional upheaval and the cold.

“Let’s go inside,” Sebastian said softly as he pulled away from Sam far enough to look in his bleary blue eyes. The tender skin beneath and around his eyes was swollen and tinged a harsh, blushy color and his eyes were bloodshot. It absolutely killed him inside to see Sam so undone. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to pull him back together and see that shining smile once again. Sam hiccuped and nodded. The house was quiet, thankfully, as Sam and Sebastian crept through the house and into the basement.

“I’m gonna be right back,” Sebastian said, pressing his hand to his boyfriend’s cheek in a reassuring caress before making his way to the kitchen, where he found Robin and Demetrius reading and sipping decaffeinated coffee, as was their ritual this late in the evening. Robin looked up and smiled at him as he poured a glass of water for Sam.

“Hi, Sebby,” Robin said sweetly with a smile. “How’s it going?”

“Um…” Sebastian muttered, hugging his arms tightly against himself. “Can I talk to you guys about something important?”

“Sure, honey, anytime,” Robin said, furrowing her brow. “Everything okay?”

It was like he could see Demetrius’ ears perk up as Sebastian sat at the table. They almost never talked in his presence, mostly because of the way Sebastian hated the way Demetrius seemed to insert himself into every single conversation. Unfortunately, Sebastian was going to need his approval just as much as he was going to need Robin’s if he was going to find a place for Sam to stay for the foreseeable future.

“Sam came out to his parents tonight,” Sebastian whispered as he glanced down the hallway.

“Oh! That’s great!” Robin said happily. Sebastian shot her a glowering look and her face fell. “Oh… oh no.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian said, glancing at Demetrius’ unreadable face. He was sitting facing Sebastian, with his hands folded on top of his closed book, listening intently. Sebastian couldn’t remember the last time he’d captured his stepfather’s attention like this… it was unnerving to say the least. What was worse was that Sebastian could never quite tell what Demetrius was thinking, and right now- more than anything- he wished he could just read the man’s mind.

If Sam couldn’t stay here… where would he stay? Maybe with Abigail and Jonathan, but they’d just gotten married. They were in their ‘honeymoon phase’, or whatever his mom called it. Sam wouldn’t impose on them. Maybe Gus had an extra room, but fuck if Sebastian was going to let Sam crash there. It was possible he might be able to get a day or two or maybe even a week out of his mom and stepdad. He just had to try his hardest.

“His dad kicked him out,” Sebastian whispered and Robin clapped her hand over her mouth.

“Is he here right now? Of course he is, who am I kidding? Oh, Sammy, poor Sammy,” Robin gasped, clutching at her heart. Sebastian smiled a sympathetic smile at his mother, who he knew would let Sam stay as long as he needed. She wasn’t the one he needed to worry about right now, though.

“I was hoping he could stay with us for a little while until he got everything figured out,” Sebastian murmured, his eyes dropping to the floor. “He’d never ask, you know him, he doesn’t want to impose… so I’m asking for him.”

“You know I’m going to say yes, Sebby, but I can’t make the decision by myself,” Robin said, reaching across the table for Demetrius’ hand, who took it eagerly. They gave each other a small smile. He envied them for their teamwork and dedication to each other before reminding himself that he was doing the exact same things for Sam right now. It felt good to know that he said some kind of parallel to the best example of a healthy relationship in his life.

“Dem, what do you think?” she said hopefully.

Sebastian bit his lip in concentration as he stared at the floor. He was getting swept up in the emotions of the situation, the desperate need he felt biting at his brain, urging him to fix at least this for Sam. It pained him to know how much sorrow the man he loved was entrapped in at the moment and enraged him that there wasn’t much more he could do. Sebastian took a deep breath before looking up at Demetrius and braced himself for the worst. He might say no just to spite him, Sebastian realized; it wasn’t like Sebastian was ever really nice to him, he realized.

“Of course,” Demetrius agreed. “Of course Sam can stay.”

“Oh, Demetrius,” Robin said, her blue eyes sparkling. “Thank you.”

Demetrius stood up from the table as Sebastian rose to go tell Sam the good news. “Sebastian,” he said in his normal commanding demeanor. Sebastian turned to look at him, and reminded himself that he owed this man the world right now and to show respect. “I know we don’t see eye to eye but I’m happy to see you happy, and I see that Sam means a lot to you. Respect each other.”

Sebastian nodded as the two men shook hands firmly. He rushed down the hallway as he tried to drown out the sappy love connection happening in the kitchen. Demetrius had been the bigger man in that situation and Sebastian was deeply appreciative, but now was not the time for happy reflections. He entered the basement, closing the door behind him.

“Here,” Sebastian said, handing a glass of water to Sam, who took it and sipped it as he stared at the wall.

“What took you so long?” Sam asked as the two curled up on the couch. Sebastian slung his arm around Sam’s shoulders and gave him a tight squeeze.

“Oh, mom and Demetrius were in there, I was just talking to them,” Sebastian mumbled. Sam nodded and thankfully didn’t ask any more questions.

Sam’s shoulders slumped into Sebastian as he laid his head on his shoulder. Sebastian’s fingers found his way to Sam’s soft, golden hair, which was damp from the snow that had melted into it. He pressed a kiss to Sam’s temple before wrapping his arms around him and inviting him into his lap so he could hold him. Shoulders shaking, Sam sunk into Sebastian’s lap as he rubbed his back.

“Tell me it’s gonna be okay,” Sam whispered.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Sebastian whispered.

“Tell me you’ll love me no matter what,” Sam breathed, his voice barely audible and full of vibrato, which travelled from his lips down to his toes.

“I’ll love you no matter what,” Sebastian said with a wistful smile as he looked up at Sam. “You don’t need me to tell you that.”

Sam kissed him and spoke quietly, his lips still brushing against Sebastian’s. “I know. I just needed to hear it.”

“Happy to help,” Sebastian said with a smile.

Sam’s voice broke as he spoke. “What am I gonna do, Seb?” 

“Well,” Sebastian said, pressing a kiss to Sam’s neck. “First, you’re gonna stay the night here with me. Then, we’re gonna figure out what  _ we _ are gonna do.”

“You don’t have to….”

“Shut up, yes, I do.” Sebastian said curtly. Sam bit his lip as he smiled. His eyes were shining and wet with tears. “We’re in this together, dummy.”

All Sam could do was nod and press sweet kisses to Sebastian’s lips. “I love you, you know that?” he said.

“Yeah, I know,” Sebastian grinned. “I love you too.”

“My head is killing me,” Sam sighed.

“Let’s go to bed, then, we can talk tomorrow,” Sebastian said as Sam scooted off of his lap. Sam was happy to oblige, stripping his clothes off and crawling into Sebastian’s bed. He laid facing away from Sebastian; Sebastian could see that he was curled into a tight little ball beneath the sheets. Sebastian joined him and they laid there together, interlocked like puzzle pieces, until Sam fell asleep and Sebastian simply enjoyed listening to his peaceful breathing.

Joy and sorrow had began their fight for dominance in his heart. Sebastian was wildly happy that Sam had confessed and shown himself for who he truly was, which Sebastian knew had been a struggle for him for such a long time. Now there was nothing that could hold them back from living the life that had been painting such a vivid picture in Sebastian’s imagination as of late. There was little that he wanted more than their future together, he realized, and he desperately needed that wish to be fulfilled.

At the same time, sadness flooded his heart, accompanied by a sick sense of guilt. What kind of boyfriend was he to celebrate the shattering of familial bonds? Sam’s relationships with his family were something he prized and depended upon, unlike Sebastian, who aside from his mother, had no one to speak of, except a budding relationship with his half-sister. He knew it was wrong of him to project those trust issues onto Sam, and worse to encourage it. Sebastian craved this closeness with Sam, though. He  _ needed  _ it like he needed air, or food, or water.

Sebastian knew what he wanted, and as he laid there, he formulated a plan, one which would satisfy both of their needs. Sebastian could get out of this fucking town. Sam could escape the hell that his father had wrought upon his life. They could build something together, just the two of them, that they could call their own. It would be so much better than living in limbo in the tiny town that had no room in which to grow.

Cuddling closer, Sebastian relished the heat of Sam’s skin pressed against his torso. All it would take for the dream to happen was for Sam to say yes. One simple word could solve so many problems. Sebastian just hoped Sam would say it.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Sam was up before Sebastian was. He’d woken Sebastian with fingers in his hair and trailing down the curve of his hip bone. It had sent shivers down his spine and Sebastian sleepily rolled over to kiss his boyfriend. Sam was quick to tangle his tongue with Sebastian’s and sink his fingertips into his pale skin. Things were heating up quickly; Sebastian was so groggy he was having trouble processing the eagerness growing between his thighs.

“Sam,” he said, half moaning, half pleading, as Sam slipped his hand in his pajama pants.

Sam shushed him between hungry kisses. “I need you, babe, please…”

“You sure?” Sebastian asked. Sam nodded as his lips migrated from Sebastian’s to his collarbone, nipping the soft, creamy skin. Sebastian didn’t want to say no- he was sure that even if he did, Sam would catch onto the lie by just feeling Sebastian’s hardening member with a good squeeze- but worry dug into his skull like a worm. He knew it wasn’t exactly right, but if Sam needed comfort and this was how he wanted it… well, Sebastian would give it to him.

Sebastian answered Sam’s passion with tender, careful kisses, scattered across his face and neck. Sam’s hands were warm and curious as they toyed with Sebastian, who couldn’t help but groan Sam’s name. His brain seemed to slip away to some primitive place as the worried thoughts were quelled by instinct and soon Sebastian was straddling Sam, grinding his heat against his boyfriend.

Only names and incoherencies were muttered between the two but as they made love to each other, the affection and endearment was communicated fully. Sebastian couldn’t help the tender feelings that swelled in his heart as he looked down at Sam, his fragile, brave, amazing boyfriend. Despite his hardships, he was always fighting and trying harder to be happy, and Sebastian would always envy him for that quality.

They came together as waves of pleasure cascaded over them. Sam shivered as Sebastian held him and ran his fingers up and down the soft skin of his arm. A sigh rattled through his lips, heavy with anxiety and exhaustion. Sebastian held him tightly before whispering in his ear.

“You okay, Sammy?”

Sam nodded.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Sam said, kissing Sebastian on the cheek before standing up and putting on some pants.

“Extra towels are in the hall closet,” Sebastian called after him.

“I know!” Sam called back before Sebastian heard the opening and closing of doors and the shower turn on. He only had a few minutes before Sam would be finished, and in that time, he had to make a very important phone call. Sebastian fumbled with his phone before finding his client Sheila in his phone and pressing call.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Sheila, it’s Sebastian,” he said, trying to sound casual.

“Oh! Hello, Sebastian. How are you? I don’t think we have any freelance available right now, I’m sorry,” she apologized.

“Um, no, actually, I wanted to talk about something else,” he said, anxiously picking at a loose thread on his sheets.

“Oh,” Sheila said, her apologetic tone shifting to an interested one. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

“You offered me a job a few months ago…”

“Are you saying you’re interested in joining our team?”

“Y-yeah,” Sebastian said with a nervous laugh. “If you’ll still have me, I mean.”

“Of course! I’ll send you the paperwork right away. When can you start?” Sheila said excitedly.

“Um, let me talk with my boyfriend, since this is kind of… well, I can’t leave without him,” Sebastian muttered, the heat rising in his cheeks.

“Of course. Can’t move without taking your family with you,” Sheila said warmly. “Well, talk with him, and then give me a call.”

“Okay. Thanks, Sheila.”

Sebastian tossed his phone on the pillow and laid, face down, on his mattress. Asking Sam to move in with him, in an entirely new city, was something he hadn’t foreseen. He had no idea what Sam would say. Sam would either choose to stay in Pelican Town and try to repair his relationship with his father, or go with Sebastian, forge his own way, and start anew. If there was some kind of amalgamation of the two, Sebastian honestly had no idea what it would look like.

“Your shower gets really hot, dude,” Sam said as he walked into the room. “You okay?”

“We need to talk,” Sebastian said, still face-down in his bed.

“You’re gonna have to move your face away from the mattress if you wanna talk to me,” Sam said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Sebastian rolled onto his back and covered his face with his wrists, which he draped over his face like a shield. He sighed, which grew into an anxious groan as he dragged it out. If only he could just… say it. Be a little more like Sam, who was very good at just blurting things out when they needed to be said.

“Uh, move with me.” Sebastian said quickly, peeking out from under an elbow at Sam.

“Sorry, what?”

“Move with me.”

“You mean like move in with you? Here?” Sam said, looking around the gloomy basement.

“No, Sam. I got offered a job in Zuzu awhile back,” Sebastian said, dropping his arms to his sides. Sam was staring at him, mouth agape, grey eyes alight in shock.

“When!?”

“I dunno, a few months ago.”  
“But you didn’t take it.”

“Not then, no. I didn’t wanna be apart from you,” Sebastian said, sitting up and putting a hand on Sam’s. “But now… now it’s the perfect time. We can get out of this stupid town, we can go someplace new and make our lives just how we want them to be.”

“I don’t have a job,” Sam said. “My family…”

“You said it yourself you can’t not be gay, and that your dad isn’t gonna let you live there if you ‘don’t sort out this shit’,” Sebastian said, taking Sam’s other hand and holding it tightly. “I don’t know about you, but… I wouldn’t wanna try to live with that.”

Sam sighed heavily and his eyes dropped to the floor. Sebastian’s heart was thumping so hard he could feel it pressing against his ribcage. Anxiety was welling up in his throat, which he tried to swallow down to no avail.

“Sammy, we can be together and be happy,” Sebastian whispered. “Plus, I’m pretty sure with my job I’ll be making enough to take care of us both until you can find something.” The anticipation was nearly murderous as Sebastian watched Sam, who rubbed his hands together aimlessly as he pondered Sebastian’s invitation.

“Sebastian,” Sam said, his voice thick with emotion. “Let’s do it.”

“Yeah?” Sebastian said, his heart bursting.

“Yes.”

Sebastian grinned at Sam as he fumbled with his phone to dial Sheila’s number. “Last chance to back out,” he teased, holding up the phone to show Sam.

“Just do it,” Sam laughed.

Sebastian dialed and put it on speakerphone.

“Wow, that didn’t take long,” Sheila said, her voice musical with amusement.

“I’ll take the job,” Sebastian said, holding Sam’s hand tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Your feedback is fuel for my fire, so please let me know your thoughts and feelings.
> 
> Here are the important links:
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> [my tumblr](tinyconfectionary.tumblr.com) (Come freak out with me about random shit and stardew valley)
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> [the Sunshowers playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFS0ANBCLswNrh3IvpIvxsmhDYjI1ltvR) Please feel free to recommend songs for this!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. *exhales* this was a hard fucking chapter for me to write. if you follow me on my tumblr, then you probably know by now that i have been suffering from a severe increase in depression for about... a month and a half. normally, writing is my escape from that, but lately, it's bogging down even that. so thank you as always, for your patience and your continued interest in Sunshowers. I can't promise that I will always update on Saturdays, as I have been doing in the past, but I can promise that I'll keep trying.
> 
> anyways, enjoy the chapter.

The heels of Sebastian’s shoes striking the wood floor echoed through the open floorplan of the apartment. The tall, vaulted ceilings hurled the sound around the room, making the click-clack of his heels come at Sam’s ears from all angles. It really was a beautiful place- upon walking in, Sam immediately began wondering if they could afford it.

The open floor plan included a living room with exposed brick and huge windows. They could see the highway that they took into Zuzu, with the mountains that cradled Stardew Valley off on the horizon. Sebastian was busy examining the kitchen while all Sam could do was stare out the picture windows at the busy street below.

“Lots of counter space,” Sebastian said cheerfully as he ran his palm over the polished concrete surface. “Maybe we could actually learn to cook something.”

Sam laughed breathily.

“You okay, Sam?”

“Huh?” Sam asked, snapping back to reality to look at his boyfriend, who was looking at him with a concerned expression. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine!”

“Hey,” Sebastian said, crossing the spacious room to tuck his arms around Sam’s waist. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I really want to do this,” Sam assured. “I wanna move here with you. Live my life the way I want to, like you said.”

Sebastian’s warm smile was like a beacon in the dark. He lifted a hand to brush a stray lock of hair from Sam’s face. “Okay, Sammy. Should we go check out the bedroom?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Sam took Sebastian’s hand as they walked to the bedroom, where the real estate agent was waiting patiently for them. The room, much like the rest of the apartment, had the same high ceilings and exposed brick walls. A small bathroom was attached to the master suite, as well as a large closet. Like they needed it, Sam thought, but it was nice either way.

“Yes, so, it’s a standard twelve-month lease, and a parking space is reserved for the apartment in the garage downstairs. Like I said, this is the last unit and you won’t get a better price in this area,” the real estate agent said.

“I like it,” Sebastian said, stroking the back of Sam’s hand with his thumb. “What do you think, Sam?”

“It’s great, I mean, I haven’t seen a lot of apartments, but… Yeah, it’s really good.”

“We’ll take it.”

Sam wasn’t sure if his heart was about to break or burst. Apartment hunting with Sebastian in Zuzu City had sounded so exciting at first. Looking for the perfect place to build a home, a life together… Sam had romanticized it. Being here, looking at empty shells of places he was supposed to fill with heart and home felt so impossible. Of course, that probably was expected, he thought, seeing as he didn’t have a home right now.

They left the apartment building and walked through the slushy streets of Zuzu City. This new place, this bustling, huge city was his new home. His heart jumped in his throat at the thought. He missed his bed. He missed that secret loose board in his bedroom he hid the occasional joint under. Sam even missed his mom’s carp surprise.

“Hey, dude, I know you told me you’re fine, but I just get this feeling you’re not,” Sebastian said, gently squeezing the flesh between Sam’s thumb and pointer finger as they held hands. “I dunno, maybe I’m being paranoid.”

“You’re not,” Sam said, kicking a little patch of snow as they continued their walk. “I was really excited to look for places, and I still am, but I’m also really sad.”

“Makes sense, Sammy. It’s not like you’re leaving on the best terms,” Sebastian reassured.

“Good point.”

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. We can make a happy home right here in the city. I’ll even get an ugly denim couch just like your mom has if that makes you happy.”

“No,” Sam laughed. “Don’t do that, I hate that couch.”

Sebastian kissed him. “Okay, but you’re warned. I will if I have to.”

____________________________________________________________________________

 

“No, Mom, you click video call, it’s right here.” Sebastian was leaning over his mother’s shoulder, clicking the trackpad of the brand-new laptop they’d just taken out of its box. Robin sat with her hands out in front of her flailing awkwardly as Sebastian was quickly losing his temper.

“But, Sebby, I don’t have a video camera on this thing!”

“Mom, it’s right here, see this little circle?” He tapped the top of the laptop, where a tiny camera was embedded.

“Why can’t I just use my old computer!?”

“Because, Mom, it’s a dinosaur, that’s why I bought you a new one.”

“I know, Sebby, thank you… I just hope I can get Skope to work.”

“If you can’t, ask Maru. She can help you.”

Robin sighed, dropping her face into her hands as Sebastian sat back and laughed at her. Sam was leaning against the kitchen counter behind them, sipping a soda as the duo fought to figure out how to work the laptop at their own paces; Sebastian worked at a breakneck speed and was quick to learn new technology, while Robin was accustomed to pen, paper, and word of mouth, which had its own uses. 

“I can’t believe you guys are leaving. It feels like just yesterday little Sammy had moved into the village and you two were catching frogs in the grass outside,” Robin lamented. Sebastian flashed her an apologetic smile while she took his hand. “Do you remember your first frog?”

“Of course, mom,” Sebastian said quietly, looking over at Sam and grinning.

Robin’s attention turned from Sebastian to Sam, as she crossed the small kitchen to hug him. “Sammy, I’m so glad you’re going with him. Please take care of my Sebby?”

“Robin, I think he’s probably gonna have to take care of me for a little bit at first,” Sam chuckled. “You know I’m not really good at, well…”

“Being an adult?” Sebastian jeered.

“Shut up, Seb!”

“Stop, it’s like you’re my little boys all over again,” Robin said, wiping her eyes. “What am I going to do without you?”

“Do less dishes?” Sebastian suggested.

“Turn the basement into a carpentry shop!” Sam said, elbowing her gently.

“You two are terrible.” Robin sighed before pulling the two boys into a strong hug. The small woman had always had more strength than her size let on, both in her body and her heart. She’d been there for Sam the past week and a half with an open ear and open arms, listening to him cry and question most of the bonds he’d forged his entire life. She’d never been a better second mom than she had been these past few weeks.

“Thank you, Robin,” Sam whispered as she pressed her lips to his cheek in a matronly kiss.

“Oh, Sammy, you know we are always here for you. You guys better finish packing, you have an early start tomorrow!”

“Don’t remind me,” Sebastian whined. Sam laughed at him as they joined hand-in-hand to walk down the hall and into the basement.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Sebastian said, his voice laced with shy happiness that made Sam’s heart flutter in his chest. “I’m so excited.”

“You? Excited? That’s something I’ve never heard before,” Sam teased. Sebastian blushed and muttered under his breath, surely to tell Sam to shut up, but Sam wasn’t listening. He’d taken Sebastian’s waist in one hand and the nape of his neck in the other so he could pull him into a kiss. “I’m excited too, but first we gotta pack up this stuff.”

Sam got busy packing the last few things up before the moving truck showed up tomorrow. Sebastian paced the corner of the nearly-empty room texting away, surely with his new boss. He worked his way through Sebastian’s bedside table, which was full of paraphernalia- it was no surprise to Sam that Sebastian was a wake-n’-bake type- before pulling a bunch of boxes out from under Sebastian’s bed.

“Woah! Hey, um, don’t open that one,” Sebastian said, rushing over and snatching the most beaten-up box out of Sam’s hands.

“Why?” Sam asked with suspicion.

Sebastian’s face was beet red. “There’s nothing in here you need to see.”

“Come on, let me see your porn,” Sam teased.

“It’s not that,” Sebastian groaned as he held the box tight to his chest.

“Come on, babe, please?” Sam begged.

“I’m never gonna hear the end of this,” Sebastian said, handing his box to Sam before flopping down on the couch and hiding his face in his hands and curtain of hair. Sam plopped down next to him and opened up the box. It was nearly full to the brim with cards, drawings, photographs, trinkets… As Sam sorted through all of them, he realized that they were all from him. Invitations to birthday parties from when they were kids… the slingshot they’d made from the branch of a tree they’d found in the front yard.

“You saved all this?” Sam asked, awestruck.

“There’s a box for Abby, too,” Sebastian muttered, arms crossed as he stared discontentedly at the disaster that used to be his basement.

“Seb… this is so sweet,” Sam gushed as he admired the box’s contents. Sam had never pegged Sebastian to be a nostalgic person. As he made his way to the bottom of the box, he found the receipt for his guitar, the invitation to Abigail’s wedding, and a polaroid of the two of them. Sam, holding Sebastian close and bearing a huge smile on his face, and Sebastian, obviously caught by surprise, were its subjects.

“So many memories,” Sam sighed. His life seemed to be in shambles lately, but he was glad that he could depend on Sebastian to help him hold it together. Surely, someday, it would be pieced whole once again. So long as he could keep those pieces together, there was still hope. “Thanks for letting me look,” he said as he handed Sebastian the box.

“Welcome,” he muttered, his face a bright pink.

“I can’t wait to add more to it,” Sam soothed as he leaned his head against Sebastian’s.

“I’m gonna need a bigger box,” Sebastian whispered, the tiniest of smiles creeping across his face.

“Hell yeah.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

“Do you need me to come in with you? I’m serious. I’ll come in there.”

“Seb… I don’t want to make this any harder than it has to be.”

“Okay, but I’m right outside, and if I hear shit going down, I’ll be there.”

“Thanks, babe,” Sam said, kissing Sebastian before knocking on his own front door. The action felt so alien, so strange, as he thought about the fourteen years he’d lived there. Never once did he have to knock until today… his last day.

Heartbreaking didn’t begin to describe the detachment. Terrifying didn’t begin to describe the hateful look his father had as he opened the front door. Every footstep across that floor echoed in his head as he stored each one as a precious memory; he didn’t know the next time he would be here with his family like this, no matter how much it pained him, no matter how much it hurt.

“Sammy,” his mother said softly, embracing him tightly. “Hey, baby.”

“Hi, Mom,” Sam murmured, giving her the tightest hug he could. Tears glistened in her eyes as she smiled at him; there was so much pain… so much grief. It felt like he was pressing his heart against a peeler, tearing tiny shreds off one by one. So much of him was here with his family in every room, every mote of dust.

“You doing okay? You and Sebastian have everything you need?” She said, smiling as she held back her tears. Her hands found their way to his cheeks as she touched his face.

“Yeah, Mom, we’re good. Everything’s in the truck. Can the movers come in?”

“Sure, sweetie, sure.”

“Take your equipment. Leave the furniture,” Kent grumbled, sitting on the couch as he read a book. Whether he was really reading it or just staring at it, Sam didn’t know. Perhaps this was just as painful for Kent as it was for Sam, in its own way. He liked to think it was. The idea brought him some comfort.

“Kent,” Jodi argued.

“We already discussed this, Jodi, don’t beat a dead horse,” Kent said, giving Jodi a sharp look over his book, one of his dark eyebrows raising toward his greying blonde hair.

Jodi pursed her lips as she followed Sam into his bedroom. She’d already packed his things for him, each box carefully labelled with its contents. That was just like her. Sam would miss her careful eye for attention and care. He reached out to take her hand- it was only then that he noticed how hard she was shaking.

“I know it’s not much, Sam, but I’ve tucked some money in one of the boxes,” she gasped as she tried to maintain composure. “Please save it for an emergency, or gas, car troubles… I don’t know, just please use it wisely.”

“Thank you so much, Mom,” he uttered, his voice breaking.

“Your father… I want you to know that I won’t give up on him. He’ll come to his senses, Sam,” Jodi assured. “Please, I hope you know that.”

The smile he gave his mother was bittersweet, and filled with sorrow. “I hope you’re right, Mom. I really do.”

“I love you, my sunshine,” Jodi whispered, clinging to him and using the nickname only she called him. It broke him beyond measure, shattering his composure and bringing him to tears. Just as the other fell apart, they held each other up through the heartache, sobbing quietly through their embrace.

“I love you too,” he said hoarsely.

“Be safe.”

“I will.”

“Take care of each other.”

“We will.”

“Call me sometimes- before five, okay? You know.”

“Okay.”

Sam and Jodi both wiped their eyes and laughed halfheartedly before leaving his bedroom. Kent was gone, off to some corner of the house to lurk. The relief Sam felt to know he wouldn’t have to see his father, to try to say goodbye to him, was melancholy. It also meant that Jodi could tail him outside without complaints from Kent.

“Sebastian,” Jodi said with a smile, grasping him by the shoulders.

“Hey, Jodi,” Sebastian said, his half-smile lifting the corner of his mouth. She began whispering to him in a hushed tone, just out of earshot of Sam. That was fine; he was sure she would have a lot to say to his boyfriend. He wandered inside, grabbed a box, and brought it out to find the two people he loved most in the world engaged in a tight embrace.

“Be good, boys!” Jodi called before making her way inside the house. Sebastian was quiet as he handed Sam a backpack that was filled with clothes, toiletries, and anything they would need since their other things were all packed in boxes. It wasn’t just an emotional day for himself, Sam realized… this was a big day for Sebastian too. It was something he’d worked toward for a long, long time. Today was painful for Sam, but this was probably a happy day for his boyfriend, one full of success and fulfillment.

“Excited?” Sam asked, fiddling with the helmet in his hands. Sebastian nodded as he checked the tire pressure on his motorcycle. Sam set his helmet on the passenger seat before crouching down next to Sebastian on the cobbled street. “You don’t seem very excited.”  
“It’s not as easy to be excited as I thought it would be,” He mumbled quietly.

“Yeah…” Sam agreed.

“I just feel bad, Sam. There’s nothing I can do, but I wish I could fix it all,” Sebastian said, sitting up and resting his elbows on his knees. “The best thing I can think of is to just give you the best life I can, now that we’re doing this together.”

“Seb, it’s not just _you_ anymore, it’s _us_ now. _We’re_ gonna make the ‘best life’ thing happen,” Sam soothed, stroking Sebastian’s shoulder with his thumb. “ _Us..._ and it’s gonna be great.”  
“Here I thought I was gonna need to give the fucking pep talk,” Sebastian joked darkly.

Sam shrugged. “We both kinda need a pep talk today.” He rose to his feet and extended a hand to Sebastian. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian took his hand and climbed to his feet. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

The breeze rushing past them on the motorcycle was a biting, bitter cold one as they left Pelican Town. Luckily for them it was a rather warm winter day, meaning the highway was clear of sleet and ice. The sun shined high above them, sending glittering sparkles dancing across the snow that dazzled Sam’s eyes. Mother nature had painted the land a stark white; it was a delicate parallel to the blank canvas that laid before them as they hurtled towards new life.

Sam sat back in the old leather seat as they hurtled down the highway following the moving van. It was so crazy to think that two weeks ago they’d admitted their true feelings for each other and now here they were, freaking moving in together. Sure, the circumstances weren’t great, but every cloud had a silver lining and the sun would always shine after the rain. Sebastian was that sunshine. Amidst the loss, there was new growth, new life to be lived and experienced by his side.

Less than an hour later, they were rolling into their parking garage, in their spot… all of it was  _ theirs _ , and it made Sam’s stomach twist in a knot. They met the movers at the elevator and took it up with them to their apartment. Sebastian instructed them where to put their belongings while Sam stood in the kitchen, staring out that same picture window, watching the movers take their things into their apartment.

Theirs.

The word echoed in his head. He and Sebastian were a team now, joyfully and excitedly so. Sam tried to put the dark thoughts away, to banish them to some part of his brain that wasn’t responsible for occupying him amidst the chaos of the move. Sebastian took his hand and looked out the window with him as they watched the process silently.

Sebastian’s presence was soothing despite the tumultuous nature of their day. He’d quickly become the rock to which Sam clung as the surf sent wave after wave at him. Without him, Sam might slip into its depths and get lost in it. Well-weathered and used to such uncertainty, Sebastian stood as an example. Stand tall through your worries, and things will work out.

Sam leaned his head against the top of Sebastian’s. His soft hair smelled of his signature musk after being in his helmet for the last hour. It reminded Sam vaguely of cloves and spice. He turned his head to breathe the scent in deeply and could feel something stir within him. Goddamn it if his boyfriend wasn’t the most incredible person; Sam learned new things about him all the time that attested to that fact.

“Weirdo, why are you sniffing me?” Sebastian said. Sam could hear the eyeroll in his voice and chuckled. Wrapping his arms around Sebastian’s wiry frame, Sam only hummed with delight as he buried his nose in Sebastian’s hair. “Hey,” Sebastian complained, only half-attempting to push Sam away before gripping the extra fabric of Sam’s shirt in his fists.

“Just give it a minute, wait til the movers leave,” Sebastian murmured, kissing him briefly but also with a passion that seemed to promise more. Sam’s lips curled into a smile as they brushed Sebastian’s before he nodded and tucked his face into the crook of Sebastian’s neck and the lovers embraced.

They’d had so few belongings that the movers took no time at all bringing all of the boxes and furniture upstairs. Rather than have them stick around and unpack- Sam knew Sebastian was probably ready to be alone after being around people all day- he suggested that they just do it themselves and sent the movers on their way. Standing among the sea of boxes, Sebastian put his hands on his hips and looked at the mess with a smile.

“We survived, we’re here…” Sebastian exclaimed in a quiet, excited tone as he ran his fingers through his hair. “All this shit is here and so are we and oh my god.”

“Is it finally hitting you?” Sam smiled as he watched Sebastian. Cheeks were burning red behind his curtain of dark, wavy hair. Even his eyes were shining in an excessively happy way. It was like his whole face was lit up like a billboard, advertising happiness and apprehension loud and clear to anyone who laid eyes upon it. Such a genuine smile was so rare for Sebastian that Sam couldn’t tear his eyes away from it. It was like a shooting star; if he looked away, certainly he’d miss it.

Sebastian had become painfully aware of Sam’s undivided, enthusiastic attention. His hand trailed from his hair to his face as he shyly covered his smile. He grabbed a box and began digging through it voraciously, his forehead creased in a focused frown. It cleaved Sam’s heart into pieces to see his boyfriend retract, especially from him.

“Hey, hey, what’s up with that?” Sam said, resting his hand on Sebastian’s wrist, who ceased his frantic digging at Sam’s touch. “You’re like all happy but you wanna hide it.”

“I just forgot is all,” he muttered, looking up at Sam from behind his bangs with pain in his cerulean gaze.

Sam frowned. “Forgot what? That you’re not allowed to be happy? This is the wrong time to start like, hiding and being a recluse, dude.” He took his boyfriend by the shoulders before pressing his forehead to his and trying to look into his eyes. Sebastian was staring at the floor as he halfheartedly pressed his body into Sam’s, who gently touched the bottom of Sebastian’s chin to bring his lips toward his. Tender kisses were shared between the two before either spoke again.

“I feel bad for being feeling so good that we’re here when you’re so sad that you’re gone,” Sebastian whispered. “I feel so fucking stupid because all I wanna do is like, tell how happy I am to be here with you living my fucking dream and I can’t because I worry too much about you. About your family. It’s so up and down.” Sam opened his mouth to speak, but Sebastian touched his fingertips to Sam’s lips. “It’s not your fault. Don’t fucking apologize.”

Sam rolled his eyes before pulling Sebastian closer by the waist. Sebastian seemed to always put Sam’s happiness before his own. As endearing as it was, it was also infuriating when more than anything, Sam just wanted Sebastian to feel unadulterated bliss for once. “You worry too much. I’m so happy right now.”

“Promise?” Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow and finally meeting Sam’s gaze.

“Fucking swear, babe. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Sebastian’s breath was soft against Sam’s lips as he murmured to him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Feels so good to hear that.”

Sam held him as tight as he could against his body, appreciating the quiet silence of the empty apartment. He could hear a contented sigh fall from his boyfriend’s lips and the gentle click of his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Sebastian’s sneakers shuffled against the wood floor as he moved his hips so they were a shade closer and Sam became incredibly aware of the way the fly of his jeans pressed against Sebastian’s thigh.

The way Sam’s name slipped from Sebastian’s lips was buttery soft, full of wanting and need. Grey met blue as their eyes flickered to one another’s and Sam’s grip on Sebastian’s waist tightened. Sebastian’s hands found their way to his hair and clenched into fists as he pulled Sam down into a voracious kiss. Tongues danced and played as Sam felt his breath catch in his throat and his back hit the wall.

“Sebastian,” Sam gasped, as Sebastian’s hungrily kissed and nipped his way from Sam’s lips to the sculpted crest of his clavicle and sank his teeth into the sensitive skin. He barely slipped his fingers under the hem of Sebastian’s hoodie before Sebastian had it over his head and on the floor. His creamy skin felt incredible under Sam’s fingertips, cranking his arousal up another notch. He took the opportunity to caress the faint freckles sprinkled across Sebastian’s shoulders with kisses.

His shirt was next to go, thrown unceremoniously into the small pile of clothes growing on the floor beside their feet. Sebastian kneeled before Sam, looking up at him with that same wanting stare and a smirk dancing across his lips as he undid the button of Sam’s jeans, unzipped them, and slowly shimmied them down his hips. He kissed down the bend of Sam’s hip as he pulled his boxers down, too. Sam tried to maintain his quickly dwindling sense of self-control as he tangled his fingers in Sebastian’s hair, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply.

“Look at me, Sam,” Sebastian whispered. Sam could feel Sebastian’s cold fingers pressing into his hips as he gripped them, and opened his eyes to see Sebastian smiling up at him, melting his heart into a puddle in his chest that dripped down to his toes. Sam inhaled through his nose sharply as Sebastian, unwavering in his stare, pressed a kiss to the tip of Sam’s erection before sinking his lips down its length to the base.

The fingers intertwined in Sebastian’s hair clenched into a fist as Sebastian began his slow yet deliberate work of massaging the tip of Sam’s member with his tongue. His fingers gently squeezed and stroked at Sam’s balls. The way Sebastian sucked and stroked and licked… it was a work of art. Sam could feel the heat rising in his hips as Sebastian hummed in pleasure, his lips pressed against Sam’s pelvis so the vibration of his sound could travel through through his shaft.

Sam mumbled Sebastian’s name as he squirmed against the wall, trying to stave off the building pleasure. Sebastian slowly slid Sams’ member out of his mouth, giving the tip one final suck before releasing him. He kissed Sam’s trembling hips gently before offering Sam a hand and helping him to the floor.

Nearly toppling over, Sam slumped over Sebastian before straddling his hips. He cradled Sebastian’s face in his hands, kissing his lips over and over again. They were hot and swollen from the blow job, but Sam could feel Sebastian’s smile against his own as their bodies tangled together on their hardwood floor. “Sammy,” Sebastian whispered, affection coating the tone of his voice, as he stroked Sam’s face. “I want you.”

“I want you too, babe,” he replied breathily, biting and sucking upon the soft flesh above Sebastian’s nipple until red speckles formed. He grinned back at him.

“No, uh… I mean, I want you… I want you to top this time,” Sebastian added, eyes cast askew. Sam bit his lips as he examined the face of the other man, who was still unable to look at him.  He then dismounted, and laid on the floor next to Sebastian, using his arm as a pillow. This was obviously important- not that what they’d just been up to wasn’t important- but his words carried weight, they were heavy like stones. Sebastian’s eyes flickered from anywhere else in the room to Sam’s face over and over again.

“Yeah?” he stuttered, propping himself up on an elbow so he could get a better look at his boyfriend, whose eyes had finally come to rest upon his own. He could see the anxiety there, some level of trepidation that was normally masked by his regular cool facade. Sebastian didn’t ask for much; this request must have meant a lot to him. Sam pressed a quick, reassuring kiss to his lips. 

Sebastian merely nodded in response, lips pursed tight.

“Okay,” Sam murmured, tracing the line of Sebastian’s jaw with the tips of his fingers. A look of apprehension was shared between the two, and then Sam smiled a coy smile at Sebastian. He remained quiet, giving Sebastian the chance to open up whenever he was ready.

“It’s just that I’ve never…”

Sam tried to mask the surprise that had spread across his face, but he couldn’t help the way his eyebrows shot up. Sebastian looked at him imploringly, stroking his chest with desperate, needy touches. “You don’t have to-” Sebastian began, but Sam interrupted him with deliberate, passionate kisses that left him breathless.

“Sam-”

“Sh, come here.” 

Sam laid down on the cold wood floor and pulled Sebastian on top of him. Straddling his hips, Sebastian rested his palms on the shallow valley of his lover’s chest, looking down at him with heavy lidded eyes. Sam deftly unbuttoned and unzipped Sebastian’s skinny jeans before tugging them down around his hips. He stood over Sam, an enthusiastic smile on his face, as he stepped out of them before returning to straddle Sam’s body with his naked form.

Tense, apprehensive kisses were shared between the two as Sam felt Sebastian’s body quiver at his touch. A groan, quiet and guttural, escaped his lips as Sam’s lips travelled from his lips down his neck to a pierced nipple. He always enjoyed making Sebastian’s thoughts melt away as he came undone amidst teeth and tongue. It gave Sam a minute to process the fact that one of the only true firsts they would have together was about to happen. While wholly excited to tread upon this new territory with his boyfriend, Sam was equally nervous about it.

Sam stretched his arm out to reach his backpack while Sebastian busied himself with  nipping at that sensitive spot on Sam’s neck, making him gasp and fumble for the small bottle of lube hiding in the front pocket. He hated how much his hands were trembling with nerves as he popped the top open and squeezed, allowing the cool, viscous fluid to coat his fingers. Sam took his sweet time playing with the lube, allowing it to make his fingers slick and hopefully warm it up some.

“You okay?” Sebastian asked throatily between kisses.

“Just nervous,” Sam laughed anxiously.

“Fuck, it’s new for both of us, remember?” Sebastian replied with an awkward smile as he pressed his forehead to Sam’s. “Just… do what you think feels good and I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.”

Sam kissed him, his tongue passing through hungry lips to toy with Sebastian’s as he used his free hand to pull Sebastian’s hips just a little further up his torso for easier access. A shiver shot through his body as Sam’s fingers found his entrance. He carefully massaged the tight ring of muscles, peppering Sebastian’s neck with kisses as he did so, waiting for a sign or signal to make the next move. Sebastian rocked his hips back into Sam’s hand, forcing the tip of his finger inside.

“Please,” Sebastian groaned, as Sam plunged his finger deep inside him. Sam began gently stretching and pulling at his entrance with his finger until the muscles relaxed.  Slipping another finger inside elicited an approving growl from Sebastian as he tucked his forehead into the crook of Sam’s neck, wholly engrossed in Sam’s exploration. Feeling daring, he curled his fingers in a come-hither motion and brushed his fingertips against Sebastian’s sweet spot.

“Fuck,” he cried out. “More, Sammy-”

Sam’s member twitched with want and anticipation as he felt Sebastian squirm against him. He’d been more than generous with the lube, he realized. Sam had plenty to slick his erection with the leftovers that ran down his fingers. Sebastian was more than ready, his opening nice and relaxed from Sam’s thorough work. He was already panting, their heavy breaths and keening the only sounds in the room. Sam was entirely absorbed in the act of showing Sebastian exactly how thrilled he was to be here with him right now.

Positioning his tip at Sebastian’s opening, he put his hands on Sebastian’s hips as a silent invitation. Sebastian sank down onto Sam’s shaft slowly. He could feel the other man’s hips trembling under his fingertips as he sat up, taking Sam’s length fully inside of him. Sebastian was hot and  _ tight _ around Sam’s girth. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before in his life and fuck, Sebastian felt amazing. Obviously, Sebastian was enjoying it too; Sam relished watching his eyes roll back in his head.

Hands resting on Sam’s thighs, Sebastian arched his back as he began rocking his hips, sending sparks of pleasure shooting up Sam’s spine. If Sam thought just being inside him was amazing, this was blowing his mind. Sebastian rode him like he’d done it a million times before, chest heaving as he looked at Sam with eyes full of lust and adoration. Sam sat up, snaking his arms around Sebastian’s waist as they held each other in their arms and locked eyes.

“Love you,” Sam said. He kissed Sebastian messily as his heat tightened around Sam. As much as he liked Sebastian on top, this was different. It was a chance for Sam to give Sebastian as much pleasure as he received when Sebastian topped. He slipped a hand between them and gripped Sebastian’s length, making Sebastian gasp audibly.

Sebastian had been reduced to an incoherent mess, moaning Sam’s name and crying out as they fucked. He’d never been very vocal before when Sam was the one with Sebastian inside him, but now that things were switched, Sebastian could hardly keep quiet and Sam  _ liked it. _ Sam could feel the pleasure coiling up inside him as Sebastian writhed in his lap. 

He held him tightly with his free arm while working Sebastian’s erection with his other. Sebastian’s heat squeezed around Sam as his lover tilted his head back and moaned, covering Sam’s hand with thick ropes of come. Sam wasn’t far behind as he pulled Sebastian down and hard onto him as he chased his own waves of ecstasy.

The two collapsed on the cold, hardwood floor. It soothed the trembling muscles of Sam’s body as Sebastian laid on top of him with Sam still sheathed inside him. He ran the fingers of his clean hand through Sebastian’s hair, which was damp with sweat. The two took a moment, reveling in the pleasure they’d created together and feeling the rise and fall of the other’s chest. Sebastian laid his head flat against Sam’s chest and hummed, fully enjoying the delicate touch of Sam’s fingers in his hair.

“If this is how having our own place is gonna be, I’m really gonna like it,” Sebastian said with a happy sigh.

“Same.”

“Do you know which box we packed the toilet paper in??”

Sam covered his face and groaned. “No…”

Sebastian looked up at Sam, his blissful eyes resting on Sam’s face. “Paper towels?”

Sam shook his head.

Sebastian paused before nuzzling his nose into Sam’s chest. “I give up. We’re stuck like this forever.”

“Poor me,” Sam whispered, a smile on his face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shout out here to the many amazing people who helped me with this chapter:
> 
> [artificialheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialheart/pseuds/artificialheart), who has been here from the very beginning. thanks for being such a dear friend and a fabulous beta. also, i bow to you, queen of sambastian!
> 
> [dudewheresmytea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dudewheresmytea/pseuds/dudewheresmytea) thanks for helping with the sexy bits.  
> [Xylianna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xylianna/pseuds/Xylianna) i love you, thanks for everything.
> 
> all of these people are amazing.
> 
> as always, find me on tumblr @ tinyconfectionary.tumblr.com for chats, giggles, and the occasional rant, as well as one-shots you can't find here. maybe i should start publishing them here...
> 
> does anyone even read my notes??? hahaha.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /waves/ I know it's been awhile. I'm really excited that we're getting into the meat of the plot here. Can you believe Sunshowers is more than halfway done? Because I can't? Anyway. I'm sorry it's been so long. Thanks to everyone who's coming back, and if you're new, thanks for stopping by. I really hope you enjoy this chapter. Have a good one, guys <3

Sebastian pulled his coat tightly around him as he exited the kitchen through the sliding glass door and stood on their balcony. It was a tight fit with scarce room for even a chair, but it was theirs. He found himself there more often than not in the morning, enjoying a cup of coffee with a vape session before he would leave for work. Slowly but surely, he was adjusting to consciousness under the sun, rather than the nocturnal lifestyle he’d maintained in the valley. Maybe it was the city, with all its hustle and bustle that seemed to wake him up earlier than usual.

More than likely, it was the fact that he was blissfully happy for the first time in his life. He found himself enjoying the fat flakes that drifted down from the grey canopy of clouds overhead. Even though the cold nipped at his nose and fingertips, the steaming cup of coffee he clutched between his fingers warmed him from the inside out. 

It reminded him starkly of a morning he’d experienced almost a year ago, standing out by the lake on New Year’s day with a different cup of coffee and a sense of dread that had worked its way into his brain. This morning was so different from that one and he relished it.

Finishing his cup of coffee, he took one last hit from his e-cigarette before making his way back into the warmth of their apartment. It was finally starting to look like a home after weeks of living there. They’d put art on the walls (vintage movie posters that Sebastian had ordered custom-printed on canvas), filled the living room with furniture (Sam had come home one day to find the steel coffee table he’d adored at a boutique sitting in front of the couch), and finally organized their kitchen the way they wanted it. It was truly and uniquely  _ theirs _ .

Sebastian set his empty mug on the kitchen counter and slipped off his coat before making his way past the glittering tree in their living room and walking into the bedroom. Sam was still in a deep sleep, curled in a ball with a pillow clutched over his head. It was nearly eleven but Sam still hadn’t shown any signs of consciousness. The mattress sagged as Sebastian sat down carefully next to his boyfriend and stroked the soft skin that peeked out from under the hem of his t-shirt. 

A frown tugged at the corner of his mouth. Sam had been sleeping a lot lately. He would go to bed with Sebastian at a relatively normal bedtime- Sebastian had quickly discovered that staying up until three was no longer feasible when he had to be up at seven for work- but he would sleep past when Sebastian left for work at eight. There was even a day when he had come home for lunch to find a blanket over the window and Sam curled around Sebastian’s pillow, eyes puffy and face buried in it. Sam had said he was sleeping and his allergies were bothering him that day, but Sebastian knew better. He wasn’t one to prod, though, and took Sam’s word for it.

Sebastian’s voice was soft as he spoke. “Happy Winter Star, Sammy,” he said, as gentle strokes of his fingertips turned into a palm sliding against tan skin. Sam stirred and groaned before pulling the pillow from his face. 

“Hey,” he murmured, a smile curling across his lips. “Morning, babe. Happy Winter Star.”

Sam reached for Sebastian, pulling him down onto the bed and tangling their legs together. Sebastian closed his eyes and hummed happily as he felt Sam’s slender fingers slip through his raven hair and toy with a loose lock of it. A chaste kiss was pressed against his lips before Sam hugged Sebastian tight to his chest. It wasn’t until then that Sebastian felt how tense Sam’s body was and nearly trembling.

“Sam…” Sebastian began, but said nothing more as the blonde pulled him even tighter against his chest and buried his nose in his hair.

“You hungry?” Sam asked. “I could make pancakes.”

Sebastian pursed his lips, wondering whether or not he should ask. He was worried, no doubt, about the fragile nature of his boyfriend as of late. Sebastian also knew that he himself was a notorious worrywart and could find almost anything remotely concerning to be worthy of his angst. Perhaps he was blowing this out of proportion too; it could just be that Sam was cold or simply emotional over their first Winter Star together as a couple. Sebastian couldn’t deny the wash of affection and happiness that cascaded over him as he came to that realization earlier that morning.

Deciding not to question it, he agreed with enthusiasm. “Sure, as long as you can make bacon too.” Sebastian said, pressing a kiss to the soft cotton of Sam’s t-shirt.

“You got it.”

A few more soft kisses were shared between the two before they crawled out of bed and made their way to the kitchen. Soft indie rock pulsed through the speakers as Sam connected his phone to them, beginning his usual morning ritual of music and cooking. He’d picked up a few recipes since they’d moved in and it was no surprise that Sam was a much better cook than Sebastian. Frozen pizza was still a strong contender in their line-up, though.

Leaning against the counter, Sebastian watched Sam carefully out the corner of his eye. Despite the incredible amount of sleep Sam was getting, there was still a ghost of dark circles ensconcing his eyes. His shoulders slumped as he stood over a bowl and mixed together his wet and dry ingredients. There was even a droop to his eyebrows as he spaced out, lost in his mindless task.

Sebastian bit his lip as he released the breath he realized he had been holding in as he observed Sam. There was an uncomfortable familiarity in Sam’s outward appearance. The slouch, the glassy eyes, the sunken face all pointed to something Sebastian wasn’t happy to admit to himself. Something Sebastian used to see in the mirror every day when he would wake up in his mother’s dingy basement and go upstairs to look at himself with disdain.

He could remember it easily. The way his chest felt like it was going to collapse in on itself like a dying star. The agonizing voice in the back of his head whispering toxic words that oozed into the forefront of his mind like sludge. The exhaustion that came with keeping it all under wraps, bubbling and boiling just below the surface so no one else would worry about it. The way everything seemed lesser, even the very best things, like a fresh piece of tuna sashimi, the way the bass of his favorite song rolled through his spine, or even the taste of a new cigarette right out of the package.

It was easy to see when he had suffered from the same illness for so long. To see Sam like that… it shredded his heart into ribbons. He couldn’t help but feel a little guilty that the happiness was blossoming in his chest like a flower that had lived in dormancy.

“ _ Sebastian _ ,” Sam said loudly. Sebastian’s eyes snapped open to reveal Sam standing next to a hot stack of pancakes and plateful of bacon, staring at him with a raised brow. “Welcome back to Earth, dude.”

“Sorry,” Sebastian muttered as he took the plate that Sam gave him and piled it high with food before sitting at the breakfast bar. Was Sam  _ that _ depressed? Sebastian rolled his fork in his hand absentmindedly as he contemplated it.

“Oh my God,  _ Sebastian!” _ Sam said exasperatedly. Sebastian almost jumped out of his barstool. “I love you, but goddamn, it’s like you’re not even here right now.”

“What, what, I’m here now!”

Sam held up the carafe, which sloshed with what little coffee there was left. “You gonna drink this?”

“Oh,” Sebastian said. “Nah, you can have it.”

Sam smirked at him before rolling his eyes in a teasing way. Bopping along to the beat of the song that played over the speaker, he poured himself the last dregs of the coffee before sitting at the bar beside Sebastian.

“What do you wanna do today?” Sebastian asked between bites.

Sam fiddled with the butter on his pancake, using his fork to draw swirls of the rich fatty substance across its warm surface. “Well, we have to smoke the tree.”

“Duh,” Sebastian said, sliding the little, green, tree-shaped pipe across their bartop to Sam. “Then what?”

“Presents?” Sam shrugged. Sebastian gave him a half-smile, inviting him to continue. “I dunno what else.”

Sebastian stretched his arms behind his head. “Sounds like we’re gonna spend a lot of time relaxing today,” he said with glee. Sam smiled halfheartedly before taking their plates to the kitchen. Sebastian made his way to the living room, where he plugged in their tiny tree. It was waist-height, but it was the only tree at the store they could afford after buying all their furniture.

They had agreed gifts that year would be small, considering the fact that they had both contributed the majority of their savings to the security deposit for their apartment. Sebastian happily claimed that it was a gift to themselves. Still, they both managed to collect a meager pile of presents to put under their tree. Sam’s were haphazardly wrapped in the comics he’d saved from the random papers they were getting every day while Sebastian’s were more meticulously wrapped in a paper with a black matte finish.

“You go first,” Sam said, thrusting a small, square package into Sebastian’s hands. “I mean, it’s not very good and I’ll probably-”

A sharp knock on the door interrupted Sam. His eyebrows knit together in concern as he looked at Sebastian. “We didn’t make plans today, right?” he said.

Sebastian shook his head. “Not that I can remember…”

The sound echoed through the apartment as the visitor knocked again. Sebastian set Sam’s gift to the side before climbing to his feet and shuffling to the door. Peering through the peephole, he saw Robin, Demetrius, and Maru, all with their arms loaded with various items he couldn’t distinguish through the fish-eyed glass of the peephole. His breath escaped his lungs in a quiet gasp.

“Fuck,” he whispered, just under his breath.

Sam stood from the couch as Sebastian braced himself and opened the door. The clamor of his family’s entry seemed to stun him. It wasn’t until Demetrius’ arm was around his shoulder in a firm hug that Sebastian realized what was happening. Their quiet, easygoing Winter Star was about to turn into a big, festive thing. With family.

Family was something Sebastian had deliberately tried to avoid this holiday. His mom had called him every day the week before- thankfully while he was at work so he had a good excuse not to pick up- but he’d dodged them and sent a text as a reply instead. She’d even emailed him; he wondered how long it took her to figure out how to do that and felt even guiltier when he blew it off. He had a good reason, though. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them.

It was the thought of Sam and past Winter Stars, when Sebastian would show up at their front door in his pajamas (as requested) to open presents, that compelled him to avoid them. Sam always wore matching pajamas with Vincent- Winter Star themed ones, of course. The aroma of banana bread and scrambled eggs could be smelled from the doorway. Jodi would be wearing her biggest smile and the family, plus Sebastian, would enjoy the morning together before Sebastian went back home to celebrate with his own family in the evening.

Winter Star was Sam’s favorite holiday. Being around his family just seemed to light him up, to make him happy. When Sebastian realized the week before that it was coming and Sam wasn’t going to see his family, he knew he had to do something. He wanted to shield Sam from that pain and make a new, happy holiday rise from the burning ashes of the old ones like a phoenix.

That was fucked now, of course. It just had to happen- since when did anything that Sebastian planned go right, anyway?

Sebastian looked to his boyfriend anxiously, wary of any signals that might tip him off. A furrowed brow, a painful smile, the way Sam would claw at the dry skin on his elbow when he was upset; little things that other people didn’t see that were Sebastian’s biggest red flags. He didn’t want today to be a big thing. He really, really didn’t. Not when Sam was so raw.

“Happy Winter Star, guys!” Maru said, giving Sam a big squeeze. He looked happy as he returned the hug, though, thankfully.

“My Sammy,” Robin said, kissing Sam on the cheek and making him blush. “Happy Winter Star, sweetie.”

“You too, Robin. Thanks. Uh, what are you guys doing here?”

Demetrius groaned as he set a crockpot full of mashed potatoes on their countertop, immediately taking up half of it. The bag on his shoulder was opened to reveal several loaves of homemade bread… was that banana bread? Of course it was. So much for rising from the ashes. Sebastian’s new, sparkling Winter Star was covered in it now. “Well, Robin figured with you guys just having moved that you might not be having much of a holiday at all and decided to bring a little of the valley’s festivities to you.”

Robin smiled at Sebastian enthusiastically before seeing the panic on his face. Her crestfallen look made his heart sink even lower. “What’s wrong, Sebby? Should we not have come?”

Sebastian glanced to Sam, who was already making his way to Robin. “No way, we’re so glad you’re here,” Sam said, wrapping his arms around Robin in a snug embrace. Sebastian couldn’t help but notice he rested his cheek on top of her head, just like he always did when he hugged his own mom. “Winter Star’s family time.”

 

_________________________________

 

“Boys! Get in front of the tree! I want to take a picture of your first Winter Star.”

“Mom, please.”

“Aww, c’mon, Seb. We need a picture.”  
“I’m still in my pajamas.”  
“They’re black, just like everything else you wear. What’s the difference?”

“Maru,  _ shut up.” _

All Sam did was smile at Sebastian as he watched the exchange between he and his family, offering sparse words in between. It was that was all through dinner. Sebastian didn’t think he’d ever seen his boyfriend this quiet. It wasn’t that he was antisocial- he answered questions directed at him with the same friendliness and energy he always did- he was just so… robotic.

After a few more minutes of coercion, Robin finally got him in front of the tree. Sebastian settled awkwardly, unable to find a really comfortable way to sit on the cold, hardwood floor, before gesturing to Sam. He held a hand out tentatively. Sam took it and sat down next to him, their clasped hands dropping lazily to the floor between them.

“Okay guys, get cozy,” Robin instructed as she crouched on the floor. Sebastian looked up awkwardly to the couch, where Maru and Demetrius were sitting side by side. They watched Sam and Sebastian with smiles so bright Sebastian had to look away. Sebastian nudged Sam with his elbow, who seemed to snap back into reality at the touch.

“Hey, c’mere,” Sebastian murmured as he tugged at Sam’s pajama pants.

Sam smiled. “Sorry,” he muttered, before curling into Sebastian’s side and resting his knees against Sebastian’s hip.

“What are you apologizing for?”

“Okay. Smile, Sam!” Robin said cheerfully. The twinkling lights of the tree behind them were caught in the surface of the camera lens and shimmered like stars. Sebastian stared into them. Usually  _ he _ was the one who needed to be prodded into a smile.

“I dunno,” Sebastian could hear Sam mutter beside him.

Robin sighed. “Could you two look any gloomier? It’s Winter Star! Such a happy day!”

“Mom,” Sebastian said.

“Just one more, please? Okay. Great,” she begged, deciding it would be fine despite Sebastian’s glowering stare. “Say cheese!”

Sebastian wanted to melt into the floor. Glancing at Sam, he could see the same feeling painted on his face.  _ He  _ should be the one to apologize. Not Sam. He should’ve apologized for not sending his family away, for not saying something.

Instead, Sebastian sat there with the most pained smile on his face as his mom took the world’s saddest photograph.

“I’m gonna call my mom,” Sam said, standing up before Sebastian had the chance to say anything and wandering down the hall, leaving Sebastian to ruminate on his choices. His family squabbled around him, creating a din that only made it easier for Sebastian to retreat into his mind, to obsess. 

How could he not, when he was so conflicted? Sebastian was so happy and it felt incredible. For the first time in  _ such a long time _ , each breath wasn’t a reminder of his wasted mortality. He felt meaningful, useful, like he might actually be good for the people around him. It was like stepping out of a dark, dusty room into the bright sunshine and smelling it for the first time.

It was too bad he couldn’t share any of this with Sam. Well, he  _ could. _ He didn’t want to. It didn’t seem fair to tell his boyfriend that things were so good for him when things for Sam were so plainly not. Sebastian worried Sam would feel like he was rubbing his happiness in his face, or that it would just make him feel worse. The last thing he wanted to do was make him feel worse.

Sebastian sat with his legs crossed and an ankle wagging anxiously in the air as he chatted with his family. Ten minutes turned into forty and Sam still hadn’t emerged from the bedroom. Sebastian’s family didn’t give up until it was an hour later and still, no Sam.

“Sebby, I’m so sorry but it’s getting late and I have to be up early tomorrow,” his mother said. “Say bye to Sammy for us?”

“I will, no worries. Travel safe.”

The apartment, once empty of its clamor, felt oddly small. Sebastian sighed. It had been a hellish day. Hopefully Sam would be off the phone soon and they could celebrate Winter Star the way Sebastian had intended, with a pipe, a movie, and Sam in his arms. Sebastian stood outside the door to their bedroom and noticed how quiet it was. Wasn’t Sam on the phone? He’d been in there so long, Sebastian certainly thought he was.

Sebastian winced as the door creaked loudly, announcing his entrance for him. Sam was laying on the bed, rolled up in the sheets and blankets. He’d clamped a pillow down over his head with a hand; his fingers were still tightly grasping its case. The light from the window caught in the surface of his phone, which was at the other end of the room. Cracks spread across its screen like a spiderweb, and bits and pieces of glass littered the floor around it.

“Sam?” Sebastian said quietly. Sam’s breath hitched, muffled by the weight of the pillow. The blankets shifted as his body squirmed further underneath them until he was merely a lump. Sebastian sighed as he stripped and crawled into bed next to him, draping an arm over his waist and spooning his trembling form.

_ Happy Winter Star, _ he thought miserably.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi <3 This little fic is something I've been dreaming up for the past few months- I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> GUYS I MADE A TUMBLR SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO USE IT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING
> 
> tinyconfectionary.tumblr.com


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